Lost in this world

clearing the head

hooray for weekends....i so needed a day off from work...work is getting pretty damn crazy...we r so busy and not enough people workin in the pharmacy so everyone is in a mood...i try to leave home problems at home and work problems at work but lately my mind has been crazy...jim workin now and never know when he will be home is a huge down fall...do not get me wrong i am glad he is out and workin and i see he enjoys it alot...its just managing everything myself is getting me down...not sure how i use to do it when i worked 2 jobs raised my children and how no help at all...i told jim it will take sometime but i will get it together...its just i feel like i have not enough time in a day...rush home get dinner on look over the kids homework study with ones that need extra help then straight up the home all that pretty jaz and then try to stay alert and awake to talk with jim when he gets home...by that time i am beat..i am on my feet for 8hours to come home and still be on them...i wake early so i can see my kids before school see jim off to work so i am pretty much done when i get home...

this weekend my kids dad came and got them...i decided to talk with him about the kids...for once i think he actually listen...see i am not sure why his girlfriend totally hates me...i never ask anything from him nor do i call him...he lives his life and i live mine...i raise our kids and he knows this...i handle everything and do everything...my kids r lucky if he gets them once or twice a weekend in one month...my kids miss there dad and i told him that...and his girlfriend treating me bad does not help matters and treating my oldest like shit is not workin either...what does she want me to call bill and ask for money and bother them...i am totally confused about the hold deal...i would think she would be happy that i am out of the picture and i do not bother them...god..if jim's ex was out of our lives like i am out of bill's how much life would be so much better...i swear this lady never sleeps and plans things out to keep making jim's life hell...his daughter lives with us and wants me to be a mother to her..do i do it???...i love marisa like a daughter and would love to be able to call her my daughter but i feel like i am stepping on her mothers toes...but then again her mother has told her many times to find a mother....how could u be so cold to your own child...

also during all this fine mess of things i was told my uncle has cancer...he lives in NC and my mom and aunt r flyin down to be with him...i am not sure how i feel about all this...something happen to me...i lost the tears...i know that totally sounds weird...but ever since my grandmother passed i have became empty in that department...like i totally get it now...i understand things happen for a reason and not everything we r going to like...i know everyone has a time and all we can do is cherish the moments we have with them...thats another thing i told the kids dad today cherish the moments u have with them let them know u love them and they mean something to you...u never know when it will happen to you...i stopped havin those dreams of my grandmother as if she never passed..that was totally freakin me out..but i can not make myself go and sit at her grave and talk with her...i am content talkin with her wherever i feel the need...maybe i am wrong i have no clue...thats why this blog is called lost in this world...and i am misguided..............

day to myself...

had a few hours

decided to come on and blog...had a few hours to myself today before work...kids r back in school and jim is on his first day of work...i am so proud of him...its so tough going from not workin for years cause of an injury to dusting himself off and heading out each day searching for a job...well he landed a job with fed-x...it was weird sayin goodbye to him...its me walkin out the door sayin i will see you later...

its so weird but i have butterflies all over again for him...we have been focusing on our relationship....how things go out of touch when u have children...we realized that most or actually all of our time is devoted to them...which do not get me wrong it should be....but i miss him...and i found out that he was feelin the same way...he is such amazing man...i am so happy we decided to go out on our first date...its weird we knew each other for so long and never pushed to take it any further...until we both where needing a friend to talk with....and he is my bestfriend

this summer i decided to focus on the family....everyday that i had off we went fishing or hiking spend time outside and enjoy life...i was not worried in keeping up my blog or what was on tv or watch the kids play video games...it was time for us to enjoy each other...sad part of it all is my kids dad made no attempts in seeing them...i think he enjoyed the fact that i was spending my time with them so he did not have to...as for marisa's mother she was just a pain in the ass like always...making sure jim did not see his son was one of the problems...jim would make plans with his son and she would turn around and say she had plans for them already so he could not come over and kept doin that the whole summer...but she can keep playin this game all she is doin is hurting herself....she thinks she is winning this game but i am not sure if she realized yet that we r not playin this game with her....we know in time his son will see what his daughter saw and things will be different...marisa does not want anything 2 do with her mother which we force her to talk with her on the phone...she is never happy about that but at least we r tryin 2 get her back intouch with her mother and not keepin her from her mother like what she is doin with the son...but enough about that women....

but i only have an hour before work and i need to get ready so maybe i will be intouch soon...i just am so into my family....hope everyone is doin well...