Lost in this world

How sad....

so went to this wedding....yep it started at 1...i had to be there 2 lite this candle so i had to go early...which means i arrive just on the minute...anyways i was no lookin forward to it at all....my dad's family had us sit with them which was rather nice...but anyways my dad comes to me and says u have to meet scott...you both will be lighting the candle...so i walk beside my dad all these people i have no idea who they r....and they scare at me like who in the heck is that...but so i get told the seventh song we will walk up and light these candles...never did i ever see a big issue with candles....yes i know its about bringing the families together and for them to come to as one....

But i got rather sick to my stomach when the wedding started...it was not nerves i was not scared i could careless what these wierd people thought of me...but it had me thinkin damn this is his 4th wedding...i hope he gets it this time around...then i am listening as the wedding is going on and them sayin there vows and stuff like promises and all....BOY he has a problem with that one...promises and my dad do not mix well...well at least with me and father i guess...so i am sitting there and i here how Judy should be the center of his attention....NICE...i am back on the back burner again with my father..not sure if i ever made it out of the back...but as the wedding was over and we where there havin the party lol...of course it was picture time.....

totally pissed me off.....look i am helping jim raise his daughter as he is helping me raise my children...i think marisa is my own child...no question asked...she lives with us and we r a family...well my dad's bride was sayin i want elaine and me and her father and just elaine's kids her kids in this picture...WHAT THE HELL....Marisa felt really bad....i explained that was not right and how i will talk with my father about all that bullshit...so i sat beside my dad's family and we where talkin...and my one aunt told me she talked with my dad and feels my dad and i need to talk....i said funny thing u said that i feel the same...seems my dad is not the big hit in the family...seems he has to work his way back into the family...pretty damn sad...maybe he should of thought about all that shit before walkin out on all of us and makin our lives hell.....

The day is almost here....

Tomorrow is a day i rather just miss....its my dad's wedding and i am so not lookin foward in it at all...when my dad called me for the first time after 16yrs i thought that we would be able to have this daughter and father moment...but i realized that i have major issues with him about all that has gone with us...i think i am rather selfish...i except my father to be there for me and on holidays spend it with me and not his family....dont get me wrong he should see them...but what about all those holiday's i never spent with him and all...would it hurt to come to my place first and spend some time with us then go 2 his family's house...i know selfish....i was cool with is fiance until she lied to me...see when u lie to me you lose alot of me....my father made the statement that no one is to break us apart and he would not have it....but u know what pisses me off....for 16yrs i would wonder everyday if my father was alive and well....16yrs of hell....and when i do not get back to him right away he is questioning if everything is alright...he has no idea how that feels...

so this wedding...which i was no part of....they decided to call me and ask if i would lite some candles for the wedding...awww how sweet lets have his daughter be nothing in this wedding...my aunt must of said something about my your daughter is no part of this....i just feel like i will never fit in with him...so i decided to have a talk with him after his wedding...i would not do it at his wedding or before i am not rude....but i am rather tired of how things r going...either be in my life or just go away...i never could understand how parents could just forget about there child....