The days that feel like hell...
01.25.07 (5:11 am) [edit]My mind is running so fast i am not sure how to think anymore...my grandmother passed away on the 6th of this month and already its total fuck up excuse my language but like i said my mind is totally a mess...Even though i had a mother and lived with her most of my time i was always at my grandmothers house spending the summer with her or the weekends...i cherish the moments i had with her and that is something no one can take from me....but like i said she only passed on the 6th of this month and already they r cleaning out her house...Her stuff is getting passed down to me and i am so not ready for all this yet...Yesterday was something i could not handle it was clean out grams closet and go through her clothes...almost ever outfit i have a memory of her doin something 2 make me smile...How do u get pass that how do u just get over something like that...And how do i get pass havin a dream about myself and my mom and aunt cleaning her house out and my gram comin down and tellin me she is alright and that everything will be ok...yep had a dream about my gram's passing a week before she left us...sitting in her room was hard on me and my aunt right now we all r not showin much feelin and i am not sure why....i broke down at my home last weekend when we where moving furniture around i totally lost it and i broke down last night at home and took it out on Marisa Jim's daughter...see she is living with us now and her mother would not let her take clothes with her so she has few clothes and i brought some shirts home for her and my daughter which was very hard for me but i knew they could use them...and i got rudness...look be happy someone is tryin 2 take care of u.....so i left last night and not sure where i thought i was going but i knew i had 2 escape this madness...as i drove i wanted no part of my home or anything else...i wanted to run as far as i could...but i had 2 pull off the road and just sit...when i called home i told Jim this was very hard for me and he told me to stop talkin for he wanted to say something 2 me he said he explain to the children that i was going through alot of shit right and that i did not mean all that i might of said or did and how they should of been more nice about the stuff i brought home....
Look i am not sorry for me being a concer parent and tryin to do the best for the children in this home...
But back to gram's house people r takin stuff that totally does not belong to them and is not returning the items which is so damn ignorant...my aunt donna is tryin 2 take almost everything...there is 5 of them and she is not thinkin about there feelings at all....ugh its so much shit there anymore....its rather sick how everyone gets a times like this....And i hate the fact people r talkin shit about us as if we r nothing....Yes we know its rather early to start cleaning the house but understand u have 3 of us that have not broke yet and the 3 that has not broke r the strong ones to get shit done...And its best for us to keep moving...I am not happy about moving things out or cleaning out the house i never want to stop comin to that house....but the day will come where i can not open that door and enter and have holidays there or just a day to sit and bullshit with gram at her kitchen table....so i have that table to sit at..at my home....God i miss you so much...understand u missed grandpa and i understand u r happy and all the pain u had is gone and u r at peace now...but i will miss the talks about how i should improve my life and how u backed me up on all the decisions i made in my life....U stood by me when it was time to move on and get my life straight when i decided to kick bill out...I will always remember how u would do anything for us....And to u i promise to do for my children as u did for me....I am so sorry i am a mess and i am tryin to get back...
What the New Year as brought me so far.....
01.18.07 (5:07 am) [edit]This Year so far has been a rocky one....gram passing away on the 6th and now this Marisa deal...Jim's daughter moved in our house last night...Her mother plans on getting back with the husband she left down in Ketucky...The one who beat her and treated her kids poorly...Well Marisa said No i am not going back down there i am moving to dad's....Of course there was screaming and yelling and all that happy Jazz...Jim and i will not push her away of course our doors are open to her at anytime....But i am not sure how to go about all this...Jeannie(ex) is the type that will make Marisa's life hell...Make Marisa feel like shit...Jim has talked with a few lawyer's they all said he has a good chance of winning custody because Marisa is the age where she can decide where to go...The only bad thing about all of this is the school she attends is about 1/2hour away...This is going to be something when i work early mornings we have to get 4 children to school on time...Jeannie let Marisa leave her last night but she did not allow her to bring clothes for school or any of her things...See we got the kids(Marisa and Dakota)every other weekend...So Yes we have clothes but not much....So last night i had to go out and shop for the girl i was not going to let her wear rags to school....Pretty sad how this year is coming about....
Then i had a interview and that went very well now i have to take a test and i can start working at home....Still have this schooling to finish up also...That to will let me work at home...I am starting to wear more and more each day....This year has already but alot of stress on me....
I have been talkin with mom each day to keep her going...She would call gram's and talk with her probably 5 times a day and stop in and see her almost everyday maybe skip a day or not...So not havin my grams around is really hard on her....My mom had me come to gram's house the other day to get a few things...Like her kitchen table which is now turned into my dinning room table...This table is rather old like 50yrs or more....And my mom gave it to me....Alot of memories around that table...My Gram would wake and sit at the table and have her coffee and cigs and watch the tv....And now i have a part of her in my dinning room...My family also let me have a picture of my grams getting ready for her wedding day its a beautiful picture so i have all of her pictures around the house...Makes me feel she is close by...
So this year so far is a very busy one...death,moving,new job,new department at my job now...It is rather crazy....Hope for the rest of ya its going pretty well for you...
how do u say goodbye 2 the most amazing person
01.10.07 (5:38 am) [edit]saturday night around 9:30pm my phone rang and it was my mother screaming and i could hear jim sayin slow down i can not understand u......then i heard hunnnnnnn come fast as i rushed i hear its gram....i get on the phone my mother said elaine they r at grams house she is not breathing so i ran out the door not sure if it was true but 2 be honest i really do not know how i got there...as i pull up i see cop cars and ambulances i ran fast as i could into the house as i enter the house i hear my aunt on the phone and she is screaming she is dead.....i drop i could not believe she was gone...i saw her lying on the floor and i did not want 2 believe it i really believe it was a horrible dream...i grabbed a picture of my grandparents they where smiling at each other and dance the most beautiful picture of them and all i could do was hold this picture and not let go...the women raised me she made sure i knew all about life the bad and the good...how does one say goodbye...i am 2 speak at my grandma's wake i have a poem never alone...right now i am locked in this room having a moment 2 myself just lookin at pictures and listening 2 music...today is the wake and it hit me when i woke the few hours i think we all get and realized i will not have any more time with her....i am so tryin 2 gather myself 2 be strong for my children but its so hard...i am so thankful for jim i am so happy he is here for me he wrote a poem about the first time he met my grandmother and the tears just started 2 fall and have not stopped...this women had no enemies everyone that met her had a friend for life..the only thing i can come up with is finish how she was....step into those shoes and try 2 keep my family together cause its a mess....i am so happy for thanksgiving my house was set up for christmas and she was able 2 see all the christmas stuff she loved my house and she was so happy 2 see that....i am happy that is what i saw last was a smile on her face at christmas time....this morning as i am sitting at the table havin coffee with jim and i am tearing up and i can not stop my youngest boy enters the room and i try 2 stop for his feelings and i said i am sorry for this and this noise comes down the stairs but there was nothing there nor was there anybody i am not sure if it was her tellin me 2 wipe my tears...but i can not do that i miss her so much and her sound of her voice sayin i love u...i did not get 2 tell her i love u...i really hope she knows i love her and i will never forget.....
Never Alone
I feel you in the morning
when at first i wake
your thought is with me
with each decision i make
you'd been around forever
since the first breath i took
now i have to go on alone
but for love, I need not look
cause by what you bestowed
in our short time together.
will last in my heart forever and ever
altough you left and now walk above
I'm never alone
I'm wrapped in your love
Enjoy now your long awaited reward
feel peace that your love continues on
what was taught to me,will be taught to mine
cause you live on in me,even ater youv'e gone
I LOVE YOU GRANDMA AND I SURE WILL MISS YOU!!!!!! &nbs p; ; & nbsp; &n bsp; &nb sp; &nbs p; ; & nbsp; &n bsp; &nb sp;
hope the new year is alot more understanding lol
01.01.07 (5:14 pm) [edit]i can not believe i was in bed before midnight...i have never missed the new year coming in...but that would be cause i had 2 wake early in the morning for work...i am in a haze...things just seem not real today...my children came home and told me they went skating last night and was home at 1am...hmmmmm last time i checked my oldest is 10 and they where with bill's girlfriends daughter which is only 12 i am freakin here...i did not want 2 make the kids feel bad for what they did but i am sorry today is so different then it was for us growing up...i am not sure my children could handle the pressure of today's ways...am i wrong???...i explained 2 them that i did not blame them for i think there dad needs 2 rethink things...i know there is a time for us 2 let our children roam abit and become respondable but what if i feel they r not even close for that...i mean i wake each day 2 see them and i know how they act...look my daughter believes anything u tell her...and my boys pretty much do not use there heads...so i should think its cool 2 let them go 2 a skating party until 1am...sorry i could not approve of that...look i let my daughter attend a girl scout overnight thing at the skating rink...its not like i keep my children bottled up...i just use my head and get all the facts...and how do i trust a little girl who's mother is not so trusting...this lady spends very little of her daughters life with her...so i am 2 say yes its ok i believe this 12yr old has a head on her shoulders...nope...sorry can't...then jim tells me something that totally knocked me 2 the floor...he dropped my children off at there dad's yesterday while i was working...see bill has gotten himself a new place...as u would say bill and wendy have gotten them a new home...well jim tells me it is a couple of houses down from a dance club...oh u know the ones where clothing comes off...great..before my children where playin in drain pipes now they have free peek shows of women takin there clothes off...the stress this man still gives me is 2 much..i have not yet said anything 2 him about the location...but i am so not comfortable with where he lives...i do not know i thought when u purchase a home u think of many things like i do not know ummmmmm is the neighborhood a good place for CHILDREN...ummmm can we see ourselves living here forever is it big enough...look my children well my boy's have never had a bed at his houses and now they still dont...how can u stand knowing your children sleep on the floor...i have my 3 and we get jim's 2 every other weekend and we get them on holiday vacation's and summertime and they have there own bed's from the beginning and they have clothes here and toys and all that jazz...i am not made of money shit bill makes 17hr and u r tellin me he can not afford 2 bed's or at least a pull out couch...he makes me ill...i can not believe its 8pm and i am so ready for bed...welp i am going 2 go and snuggle with jim and watch some tv...sorry for all the complaints but when it comes 2 bill there is plenty.
