4:10 am

12.30.06 (1:26 am)   [edit]
Boy i am wondering how i use 2 do this sit up all night...ugh cant sleep can not stand this...figure i would come in here and blog abit being i do not want 2 keep jim awake cause i can not sleep...my body is killing me i can not stand this...then this damn cough that just will not go away...just when i think its gone bang its back...the doc said i could have it for 6weeks...well shit i am tired of it...and i can not stand the fact that it brothers me when i am laying down...blah...well enough about that... Christmas: lets see it was rather weird if u asked me...first christmas with my father since he came back into my life...we had all the kids and we went 2 his place for christmas eve...not sure what was going on but i was just not feeling it...it was suppose 2 be a great night something i have been waiting for...i think it was the gifts that where giving...my kids and myself seem 2 get more or better gifts then jim and his kids...and i am not for that...i know its not about what u get...but when it comes 2 children its a different story...but from there we went 2 my fathers sister house where we where going 2 sit down and have dinner...jim and i brought cookies that we baked for 2 days all kinds...then jim's son came down with something so we had 2 cut our night short...its weird i was ready this year for christmas any other christmas i would rush it by for i just did not want 2 deal with that day without my father...but it felt like something else was missing...Christmas at mom's: so bigger christmas gathering here all my aunts and uncles and cousin's and grandmother and parents...jim's kid where not able 2 attend this one they had 2 go home and spend it with there mother....my children left the party 2 go with there dad...i think that is the hardest 2 watch them leave...but i would never keep bill from them on this holiday i know the feeling of a hated christmas...but i was not all for my mom's party i was ready 2 leave when my children left...so jim and i went 2 his father's place and his 2 sister's where there and there husbands and i actually loved watching them talk about there christmas's together how they would do certain things with each other...maybe that is it...maybe i missed out being the only child there was not many things i can remember about christmas...jim's younger sister got pictures made up for there mother beings this is the first christmas without her and the tears started 2 fall not sure why i took it hard...maybe cause i felt for Jim...or maybe i just need 2 get that out beings i wanted 2 cry all night...so jim's dad brought out a picture back in the 60's and there stood my grandfather the one who had passed this is our third christmas without him....and then it hit me that is what is missing...a smile on my grandmothers face that would lighten up a room as she walked in...ever since he has passed our lives have not been touched with her lovings glo...how i miss that the most.... funny how i sit and i barely cough but soon as i lay my head down bam... well maybe i will catch up later..my mind just keeps going blank...

update

12.06.06 (8:06 am)   [edit]
Jim and i had a battle about a month ago...2 where i thought it was over...my life totally came 2 a end...but jim and i talked about what had happened and we both agreed that we love each other and something like this would not tear us apart...we have alot in stake here our kids r so close 2 jim and i that i could not let them down again...jim and i do not fight it was a mistake on his part nothing major where i should leave him it was something stupid...and i believe i can look past this...because i love him more then life its self...we had thanksgiving here and it was my family and his family over and we had all the kids it was wonderful...our families get along so perfect...lately i keep getting asked when jim and i r going 2 get married...i still want that but still in no hurry...we live like we r married already...our pups r getting so big....as for my health both doctors want me 2 go on disability sayin i will never get better if i keep all this stress on my body...how does one just stop...i am a mother,girlfriend,i have a home and other things i need 2 take care of...so how does one just up and stop..i am not ready should it not be up 2 me when i say its done...working 2 jobs for a long time put a long of pressure on my body that i did not see at that time...but at that time i need 2 get on track with my life and take care of my children...anyways i am done rambling i have other things 2 do...maybe call and cancel my internet being's i am never on it as much or go back 2 dial up its not much lol...