time
07.30.06 (7:08 am) [edit]well yesterday was my first day off for my week vacation...its been hell dealing with these pains i get in my legs and hips...2 days ago i wanted 2 cut my legs off and some might think i am jokin but i am very serious when it comes 2 this pain...i rather push out 4 or more babies with no pain meds then deal with this....and i hate the way it puts my mind...i would never think about ending my life but the pain is something i can not handle at this point...i have gotten the rest of my test back and nothing else is wrong just that i have fibromyalgia and i have not yet been seen again by the doctor who said she needs me on depression meds and muscle spasm meds....well we need 2 get on top of things cause i can not stand this anymore and neither can the kids or jim...
i feel like shit knowing the kids want 2 do something so we made elephant ears last night and set up tents in the house 2 have a camp out....i know redneck type of family...but i do what i can i am not able at this point 2 do 2 much when i do more then i should i pay for it later...i would really like 2 go on hike today but i would not last 10mins and i would just disapoint everyone...the other things that stress me out lately is i stand on my feet for 9hrs and it kills me i try 2 not let others see my pain but its getting harder and harder each day...i guess i get mad at people with depression who get ssi with no problem i am sure i could not get partial i want 2 work but i can not work 9hrs anymore its just not worth all the pain...
moving we talked with his sister about moving down there she thought it would be best being there is so much work opening up down there and how she thought we would make it and have a better life...its only 3 hrs from here so its not like i am movin 2 far away from our families and the kids would still see there dad if he cares 2 see them being he has made no attempt 2 talk with them or see them...what a loser...jim's son goes back with his mom this week cause football practice starts...we do not see eye 2 eye on things but we both r tryin 2 make it work....i think he is afraid cause he knows i do actually care for him and i reach out 2 him in so many different ways then his mother...her reaching out is buying things for him at all times...the sad part of it all is i watch this boy he is 9 and he can not do normal daily activties without help...his mother treats him like a baby and does everything for him...he talks like a baby he acts like one...its sad...here we make him do for himself but of course we have 2 show him how 2 do it....like wipping up a mess he had no idea how 2 ring out a cloth...or how 2 cut up his own food...i hope this football shows him how 2 grow up or something cause its rather sad watching this....
well i am going 2 try 2 get out and visit today see my dad and stop over and see other family memembers and maybe take the kids swimming cause its been so damn hot over here its crazy
found out i have fibromyalgia syndrome
07.21.06 (2:10 pm) [edit]what a mess today i got 2 see my doctor and tell her what's been going on with my body...actually it's my mom's doctor and felt i needed 2 see her instead of my doctor...for about almost a year i have been dealing with alot of muscle aches and really tired where i can not function right with anything i do...well today i was told i have Fibromyalgia Syndrome (FMS) involves muscle pain throughout one’s body to such a degree that the sufferer cannot function normally. People with FMS often find that they are “exercise intolerant” and that they must take great care not to overdo any exercise they get nor any regular activities in which they partipate. Other symptoms of FMS include “hurting all over,” tender or numb skin, dizziness, and irritable bowel syndrome...i hurt so bad..the tiny fingers of my children hurt when they touch me for a hug...sad part of this is there is no drug that can make this better..i will never be able 2 get rid of this...the only thing i can do is take muscle relaxers,depression pills, and deal with my chronic pain forever...i feel like i am a body that is well over 70...i force myself each day 2 get up and go 2 work...i am not sure how much i can handle...my body hurts so bad..it feels like someone is crushing my body...and i have a constant pain in my chest...its like my body is faking a heart attack my arms go numb i am not sure if i can handle this...i want 2 give up i can not stand the pain i can not raise my arms it hurts 2 bad...well i took a pain pill so hopefully i will sleep soon...how am i going 2 take care of my family if i can barely take care of myself..i am not sure what 2 do
what a total mess
07.13.06 (9:55 am) [edit]the death of jim's mom is getting so out of hand its rather sickin 2 watch....jim asked me yesterday morning 2 come with him 2 breakfast with his sister and her husband and there father 2 talk about what they should do...we get there and we r talkin and sister said oh i called your kids and told them...what...i believe that is jim's job 2 call his own children and be able 2 talk with them about this...not only did she do that she invited the ex wife 2 breakfast...ummm ok please tell me this is not right...jim lost his mother and is in morning and now has 2 stare at his ex-wife not only do that but his kids had nothing 2 say 2 there father...and has not called or anything....but we found out they went over 2 his sister's house 2 feed her with info at a time where his sister sure in the hell does not need...but this same sister has no problem letting jim run around and get things started they have they have 7 siblings and where not sure how the others wanted 2 go...well most of them do not want 2 bury her...its sick...then i get screamed at from his dad sayin how i did not show his sister that i was sorry for her losing her mother.....ok that was just about hard 2 do beings as i walked in i said hi and all and she got up and left then sat and talked with his ex the whole time i am so thankful for i am the only one my mom had and i will not have 2 fight with anyone at this time...i can careless if they like me...i know deep down i did nothing but love there brother and son so if that is wrong then i suppose i am wrong....but keep a women around that totally screwed jim and treats him like shit and plays chest with his kids is rather sick...i was the one helping jim all yesterday and we both r the ones that had no sleep and was making sure everything was being takin care of...i even offered my home afterwords so they would not have 2 pay some place 2 have people over...but i told jim that i was done...i can not take more of this rudeness from his family...i finally met his oldest sister and oldest brother now i can see why they moved away from this area...very nice people and i told her i was sorry for all this mess...she told jim i was a keeper and she could see why he is with me...now if the rest of them would get passed the pass and move on with the future rather they like it or not we r getting married and if they want 2 enjoy that happy day with us and be in our lives then they need 2 see the big picture here and stop focusing on what his ex-wife is still tryin 2 hold on 2...they divorced 5yrs ago and its time 2 move on...
jim got a call a few minutes ago with his sister yelling at him and shit and made him very mad i do not blame him...i can not see why he is getting all this shit from her...funny how when she met me and she liked me and all that shit until his ex-wife moved back up here...the sick part of this all is his ex is feeding on this and getting her kicks off of it...so now he took over all the papers he found and did yesterday 2 his sister and is leaving it 2 her since he feels he can do no right...i feel bad for him...i stayed home cause i can not stand 2 watch him get upset and for me 2 say nothing would of been very hard...i just wish his mother would make her daughter see what she is doin...can u believe her lookin down right now and see her kids like this...i have no idea what i can do with this one...
received bad news
07.12.06 (3:03 am) [edit]its 6am and i have been up since 12:41am...we recieved bad news early this morning jim's sister called 2 tell him that his mother is in the hospital and it did not sound good so jim got up and went 2 see what was going on...he told me everything will be ok and he will let me know what is going on...he came back home maybe an hour later saying the nurses sent them home and said she was doin fine...phone rings 4:30am...jim's sister on the phone again sayin that they had 2 open her up and put in a balloon because her heart was not responding...the doctor said pray for a miracle because that is what it would take for her 2 make it through the night...jim calls me at the hospital sayin he needs me there...how i want 2 be there for him at a time like this...i of course said no problem i will call my mom 2 come sit with the kids and i will be there...i call my mom and explain what is going on and how i needed 2 be up there with him for she is not going 2 make it...my mothers respond is its way 2 early for me...so therefor i had 2 leave a message on his cell phone 2 say i am so very sorry and that i loved him but i could not make it there because i had no one 2 watch the kids...my own mother what the hell is she thinking...i am so pissed right now i have nothing 2 say 2 her...needless 2 say jim called me back said she had passed away...and i sat here feeling like shit cause all i wanted 2 do at that time was hold the man i love and let him know i was there for him and instead i am stuck here how could my mom worry about her sleep at a time like this....so now i sit and wait for jim 2 come home...i have no idea what 2 say...or how 2 act...i feel so bad right now i have so many different feelings running through my mind...months ago almost a year ago his mother and i got off on a bad start...she never wanted me 2 talk nice 2 jim's ex and she wanted me in the drama of the family..i just do not work that way...then when her b/f passed away she blamed me for that also for not takin my cell 2 bed that night when she was callin 2 tell jim 2 come 2 the house and help her...needless 2 say after that jim's mom and i where not close....but i respected her for him...now jim is very upset with my mother not being there and i do not blame him...this time my mom has really done it
family
07.10.06 (8:51 am) [edit]well looks like rain..figures i am off today lol..i miss the sound of my house when kids r gone and its just me...the sound of nothing lol...yep finally i get some time 2 myself..my kids have this whole week 2 spend down at the church doin fun activities before school starts back up...his kids went back 2 there mom's for 2 weeks...this time around with them was not so pleasant...i feel for his daughter all she does anymore is cry about how her mother treats her but still does not want 2 leave and come and stay with her father...she always leaves little notes tellin me how i am her second mom and how much she loves me..i feel for her..i was her at one time the battle between parents is so hard 2 handle...so i try 2 help them out as much as i can...i tell jim all the time its not easy on them and i know its not easy on him 2 send his children back 2 her each time...i finally broke into his sons heart the last week...finally got emotion from him that i thought i would never get....seems his mom does not want me 2 get close 2 him and i guess from what he said his mom talks bad about his dad...this boy is 9 yrs old and talks like a baby he does nothing for himself she is tryin 2 have him depend on her for everything...she has this boy sleeping with her...i told jim its about time we look into some help for his son..either set up some counceling or maybe look about raising them ourselves the only thing is this little boy would die without his mother...thats how bad she has him depending on her...i am sure alot has seen in my blogs about how strict i am with my children about how far i let them run...but as far as getting things for themselves and not up there butts 24/7 i will not go that far...i hurt for his daughter she gets left behind alot when it comes 2 her mother but her mother will not let her live with ther father cause she knows that will make her happy...pretty sad...but i have seen that myself with my mom...my mom was happy knowing i was sad...see jim and his daughter r so much alike and well my dad and myself r like one person and i think that drives my mom and jim's ex nuts...there mom is mad cause when they came for a visit this time i took his daughter out and got her some summer wear and her brother 2 have here at the house and i got them summer shoes...the mother feels i am tryin 2 buy them...i do not buy anyone...i just feel this is there home also and they should have things here...they have a bedroom a bed toys,clothes....is that wrong??...i think when parents r sharing there time with the kids it should be that way...instead my ex has both his boys sleep on the floor and only has pj's for them...i just wonder if all the talks we have with the kids if any of them actually listen or will actually take it 2 heart...i had my grandma when i was growing up and i am so happy 2 have a person with so much love 2 offer in my life...i share everything she has taught me with my children and jim's children...i want the best for each of them...it was nice 2 see my oldest and jim's oldest get along this time...i mean they all get along but they have become closer...like brother and sister type...we have a family here now and i finally have the family i always wanted and the amazing man that just makes me awe everytime...
family drama
07.04.06 (6:43 am) [edit]funny how my parents made a big deal about me becoming close 2 each other and now its the 4th of july and neither one of them r makin me feel as if i am wanted...my mom never called and told me about my grandmas house my cousin told me at work...i thought maybe this year we would not go there being she is not up 2 alot anymore and the neighbors just hate the fact that we set off fireworks...anyway i called up my mom and asked if there was something going on over there my mom made sound like if it was just a couple of people nothing special...and that leaves my dad he had told me a month ago about my aunt having this huge party out at her place lets see the last time i was there i was like 7 so i have no idea where she lives...anywho he calls and says well we have 2 be there at 4 they r eating at 4...well my grandma stuff starts at 2...so i asked if he could leave at 4 and i would follow him...well lets just say i lost that battle he said we r eating at 4...so they r leaving at 3:30...then he said well if u do not want 2 come its ok and if u have other plans that is ok 2...hmmm i feel like total shit...once again i feel like i am left out...if i did not have kids i would just stay home and screw this family shit...i am so done with tryin 2 please everyone...i explain 2 my father how it sounded like i was really not wanted there...i explain 2 him that i can not stand lies and i do not want any part of it...here is the other funny part he gives us direction now honestly how many times does someone elses direction ever work out...so his g/f has a cell phone i asked for her number and he said well u should have no problems finding it...i am moody...
