catching up
06.30.06 (5:16 am) [edit]catching up....with 5 kids in the house and work i have no time for nothing..today i have off and its 8:30am so i thought while jim was out getting the brakes on the truck i would take some time for myself...its so nice that the kidos r still sleeping lol..
hmmm so what has been going on these few days...jim's ex is tryin 2 bring back old memories going down the path again...his kids had a dental appointment the other day and he had 2 meet up with her since he had no idea where she made the appointment...he arrives 2 her sayin well u can ride the rest of the way with me...he told her no i am fine riding in my vehicle...so they get 2 the appointment and she is like well r u coming in and he said nope i will be waiting out here for the kids...its cool and all for ex's 2 get along for the kidos but 2 hang out and all that is where i hope a line is drawn...i am nice 2 bill and respect him 2 a point...we attend some school things but that is where i stop it...we split for a reason and that is good enough for me...jim's ex is out there its like she does not hear what others say 2 her..i mean lets take time 2 understand this...she is married and wonders why her marriaged sucked...its easy 2 blame someone that is not here 2 defend himself and his kids r easy 2 take sides on things so i am not sure tommy was so bad..i mean i would get mad if i just marry u and u cheat on me with a guy from work...do not blame him at all...and lets just say all she does is talk about jim down there so um i could see why tommy was jealous and worried all the time when she would come up here...damn the man thought she was going back 2 jim....what do i believe i believe jim is happy where he is and would never go back with her...he told me things that she would do during there marriage and i could not see him put himself through all that again...
as for bill...scott my oldest is a mess with that camping trip...the poor boy wants 2 spend time with his father but fears his g/f...i can not believe that a person would want 2 set fear into a child...i grew up just me no brothers nor sisters in my home...i have step siblings but they lived with there mother...i am sure u all that have siblings understand that u fight with them from time 2 time...i mean think about it u r with them 24/7 its going 2 happen...well i guess bill's g/f yelled at my son and said things she should of not said....its sad over there they treat my kids like they r not wanted and maybe they r not wanted...i guess my youngest boy was getting picked on at the camp grounds and no one stuck up for him...see here at my home we as parents find out what is going on and fix it...i guess my kids where faced with beer...some little boy had beer....my oldest went back and told his father what was going on and he did nothing...before this trip i took my kids out and got them some summer clothes amazing when he brought them home he had washed them...but he had some of my daughters clothes still which made me nervous cause when she leaves shit there it never returns...so she has been calling him for a week now and he never called her back...yep what a wonderful father...so i guess it is true depends on who u r with that makes you....
so today i will enjoy the family...maybe blot something up like filling up water balloons and target the kids outside lol...
rambling
06.25.06 (10:05 am) [edit]kids r home!!!...during there time with there dad we had some wicked weather..i know my kids do not do so well in storms...i feared cause they where sleeping in tents...there where tornados over in ohio so i thought i would call and give them a heads up...which pissed off his g/f...maybe i should of not called but look i have my children in my care 24/7 and i just wanted 2 make sure they knew what was coming...bill did not seem 2 care that i called he was asking about the weather...besides all that my oldest had told me things that just pissed me off..i guess during there camping trip my 2 boys got into a fight something they do regularly and i guess bill smacked them both 2 make them stop...ok ok so thats how he handles it...fine...but i guess when bill got upset and left his g/f attacked my oldest son and told him it was his fault and that he gets everyone in trouble...WHAT...this lady is 38yrs old..u r tellin me she can not control herself and not belittle my son...look i totally understand that u all do not get along...its hard at times when its someone elses kid...i butt heads with jim's son from time 2 time but i never make him feel like shit nor do put him down in any way...they told me some things about there trip and its hard 2 let some of things go...my youngest boy came home and he studers alot and just does not seem like himself...i guess he kept askin 2 call home 2 talk with me and his dad said in time...its hard on them also being they do not see much of there dad and then bam force 2 spend a week with him and his g/f and her family...i just told my kids its ok and that i missed them and glad 2 see they r back and everything is ok...but the little stinkers only been home for 2 days and r leaving me again tonight 2 spend a night with my mom lol...my mom had promised them they could spend the night...so jim and i r alone tonight...but as for tomorrow we will have 5 kids lol...i have a few weeks 2 come up with something 2 do for our weeks vacation...hmmm what 2 do...i hate stayin home all summer so this time we r doin something..
feeling down tonight
06.16.06 (6:20 pm) [edit]feeling down tonight tomorrow my kids leave for a week with dad...i am so worried about the whole thing...i mean last year he took them camping and they came home ok...but the whole thing of what he allowes them 2 do is just not right...i mean ok so my kids r surrounded by water....i keep tellin them please do not go 2 the water alone make sure your dad or another adult is with u at all times...i am kinda mad at jim i wanted 2 buy the kids shampoo and toothpaste and little things but he said that is bill's job 2 bring all that...what if he does not...ughhhhhh...god i hope he treats them right and lets them shower and keep clean and change there clothes...this is going 2 drive me nutz...i need a break...but i am sure i will not have one beings i will worry the hole time they r gone...i went out and brought them summer clothes and jim said i should of sent them with one outfit and made bill buy them for a change...god i could see it now...same clothes on for a week...
i feel myself falling again...lost in this world...things these days drive me nutz..everything bugs me...today jim's neice called him and wanted 2 see his kids...jim just recent started talkin 2 his neice he ran into her one day and they talked about sunday after i go 2 work that they could meet up and she can see the kids....well that pissed me off...ok so u want 2 marry me and be with me and such...so why can i not meet her or my kids...i just thought that was rude...why not do it when we all can get together...of course he did not see my point and we had a little fight about it...yep so what my feelings got hurt and i wanted a answer 2 why this was happening...i mean this is his family people i have not met so why keep us out...
i love him i really do...and i know he loves me...but why is it hard 2 see where i am coming from...
work is just driving me nutz...i can not stand the sight of the place...i think its because i believe we all should be makin more then we r...i bust my ass each day i go in there and i do what i am suppose 2 and extra..for what...for someone else 2 get the credit...typical...i really hope once i get this school done everything will change for the better....
well i think its another early night for me i am rather tired...funny thats how i am almost every night anymore
my mood sucks
06.14.06 (9:10 am) [edit]welp i feel not in the mood for much...my body is so out of wack its beginning 2 drive me nutzo...funny how your body changes with time and one day u wake 2 realize that u need 2 do more before its 2 late...i hate the mood that u rather just lay in bed and not move...at this moment i think i could do that for a week....
i need 2 focus and move on 2 my lesson 7 but i am not in the mood for anatomy...so far still holding a 100 gpa.....i plan on doin alot more studying when the kidos r gone for a week...its hard when kids r running through the house then working and other stuff that needs 2 be done...if i only would of focus when i was younger....
few more hours and its off 2 work...i hate workin all different hours of the day....i so can not wait until i can work from home...last night i closed my eyes and bam that is when i saw this flash and something black and i hit it like a car or something and it was bad and it woke me...i cant seem 2 shake that feeling...i hate when i dream...my dreams r not your typical dream where u win the lottery or u r on some beach...my dreams come 2 true or they mean something that will happen in the next 24 hrs....my family has dealt with this stuff years and years down the road...my great grandma could see things...i never believed it...i thought this lady is losin her mind...and when my mother saw fire in a light in the house and the next street over a house fire started and there was children in it and she saw this before it happen totally freaked me out....my first dream i had i will never forget....my cousin's that i never see..very rarely...well in my dream i saw the youngest he is like maybe 3 or 4 years old then me...i saw him going out 2 a white car and reaching into the trunk of the car...i saw a gun and i saw a house and a room and i saw my cousin kill himself.....now of course that would totally freak anyone out...i told my mother about it and she laughed it off..i mean how would i know that...we never talk...the phone rang couple of hours later and gregg had killed himself...i could not speak...i blamed myself i thought maybe i should of did something...thats when i started focusing on my dreams...i am not the typical dreamer where u close your eyes and u dream...i only remember the ones i am suppose 2...i have so much stress going on right now with bill and the kids and school,work, maybe i need some kind of break...not only that but my health...well its that time 2 shower and get ready for work...
will it ever change
06.13.06 (7:24 pm) [edit]had the day off....decided i would take the kids out and get them there summer clothes and cut the boys hair...my kids leave this weekend for a week they r going with there dad 2 camp out...yep that's it for the summer one week he does something...oh and do not let me forget 2 tell ya that he can not keep his kids for the whole week cause he has plans...found out some stuff that i am not sure how 2 handle...he lives about 4mins from me in ohio and i live in pa...but the area he lives in is near a highway and i found out that my kids r playin in the sewer pipes that go under the highway...and i guess he knows about this and is ok with this...well i am not..found out when his g/f went 2 work bill was still sleeping and my oldest was outside riding his bike around...this scares the shit out of me....i mean anyone can hurt them or take them...so i called him and asked why this was happening he got pissed and said i know where my kids r and i watch them...what am i suppose 2 do...sit back and be sick each time my children r in his care...then if that does not end it..jim's ex tells him about how she needs money for his son football outfit...lets see when the kids r here we buy them things they need...clothes,food,shoes,toys, and other stuff and plus he give childsupport now that she is back up here she thinks this is how it works...but see what gets me mad is she will sit there and say this shit infront of his kids makin it look like jim does not care about them...god why do people play these stupid ass games..what r jim and i suppose 2 do...we really have no clue anymore...i told his kids before they left the house the other day that i would not stand for there attitudes toward jim that he has done nothing 2 them but love them and want the best for them its not his fault she took them out of his life and ran 2 a guy she had no clue about 2 move down 2 a area where she had no family no friends and found out that the guy she thought she loved was not so great...but we found out that his ex was not so innocent she had stepped out of the marriage of 1yr 2 mess with someone else...perfect role model...never understand why kids keep those parents up on clound nine..i guess all we can do is keep loving our children and do what we think is best...but i am not sure bill is a parent that needs his kids in it if he thinks a sewer pipe is a safe toy 2 play with....and i do not think jim's ex is fit being she thinks about herself first then her children and even then its just for a minute..
all kid out....Yep,I had enough of kids lol...i really need time out...i really do not care if its a simple walk in the park...since my ex rarely gets my kids and i work all kind of weird hours i have no time for me at all...when i wake i get kids hanging on me...when i get my first cup of coffee i am not sure about how anyone else is i would really like 2 enjoy the first cup...but usually i am greeted by kids and they must lay on me and pull on me and such...blogging is the only time i think i get alone time...as right now i am in here all alone and it feels GREAT...i love my kidos...its just dealing with there issues day in and day out and all i want is some peace...like right now my kidos r with there dad but we still have 2 kids in the house...and i would think it would be ok with those 2 since well the oldest is 14 but she hangs on me and jim and i never get 2 talk like we do...cause we have kids so far up our butts i think half the time they can tell me what i am thinkin without askin me...i hate being in this mood i really do not like it...i was so stressed over this that last night i did not want 2 come home...is that bad???...today i was thinkin about going shopping but decided that i really did not want 2 take 2 kids and hear what can u buy me...lets see i work and its summer and all i have is winter clothes...yep i roast my butt off at work each day...i can not wait 2 finish this course i am studying at home...so far 4 test all A's...i love being home i really do...i like the feel of my house and i miss it alot...i live in those huge old houses built like 100's years ago and it still has all the old wood and pocket doors its a really nice home...sad how i am going 2 have 2 sale it in a few years...my next home i am hopin 2 be able 2 have one built how we want it...and of course a place where u can run free and no one is there 2 stare at u...speaking of that...ugh my neighbor the other night now lets think about this 10pm i am in bed its dark i hear a noise my neighbor is on a ladder cleaning out his gutters...the kids where out in there tents the other night and he was staring at my daughters tent...i really do not want 2 say he is up 2 something but he sure has me wondering...right now i live in a little town..i like it...i love my kids school...its the high school that is over populated and that it self explains alot...my son is going 4th i have 3years until he attends high school we do not have a middle school...its elementary straight 2 high school..though i attend the same school and i made it out ok..i just fear...notice of my blogs its always about my kids...those little stinkers i never can leave them out...i am rather proud of my daughter her gpa she was 3 points away from a 4.0...its funny she is rather smart but at home she is 100% blonde...she told me well mom here at home i can be anything i want...in school i have 2 listen and learn....so yep i get the blonde everyday..watching her fall down the steps..fall up the stairs lol...ask the weirdest questions..she is something and i know she will become something in her time...as for my boys my oldest lately i can not get enough of him i watch him growing up 2 be a teenager soon and i can see a huge differences in him...the caring for others i really think the after school program showed scott alot about caring for others...they attend a little church down the street...my other boy i wish i could see what bugs him...he is so far out on cloud nine that he is never here...he tingles every word up i say 2 him..if i said i need for u 2 get a drink he would say i did not get a drink...or if we ask a question he gets really upset with us which leaves us with our mouths open and wondering what the heck happen...i really like 2 go downstairs and be able 2 watch something on tv but that will never happen beings the kids r 2 lazy 2 find something 2 do so they sit and watch tv...his kids...my kids when home without his usually find something 2 do..cause i will not sit and watch them stay in on a nice day...being a kid these days is lazy...time like this when i was a kid i would be outside all day with no worries....well maybe i will go and start a new lesson...
new lesson for the kids 2 learn
06.10.06 (8:39 am) [edit]new lesson for the kids 2 learn...decided that the kids needed 2 learn where the money goes..u know kids they think u r made of money and u can go and buy anything u want lol...well jim and i decided it was time 2 show them what it was like...so we got out the old monoply game and gave them a day's worth pay beings they all leave the house tomorrow my kids r with there dad for a few days and his r back with there mom for 2 weeks...but here is how it works they get a pay for 2 weeks makin 6hrs...workin 5 days...they have 2 pay for there rooms...they have been camping out in the yard so that is 50bucks a month for that....but if they choice 2 sleep in doors its 30 a night..hotels r not cheap lol....they have 2 pay for there breakfast,lunch.dinner,snack...of course they have 2 pay for laundry and all that jazz...but see they can earn money also..like walking the dog and feeding the dog...that is like working at a petting zoo lol..doin dishes and cleaning the kitchen the kids toys outside cost them money also..its like a amusement park out there lol...so far they had 2 pay 3 bucks for lunch and they r mad...oh and the boys have 2 pay 2 play the playstation thats like a arcade game right lol...kids today just do not get it...and i know my kids take me for granted along with his...so i can not wait 2 see how this turns out..wish me luck
early still and the day is hell
06.05.06 (10:54 am) [edit]i am upset once again...nothing new i suppose...starts out bill does not get his our kids yesterday and gives this story of well i slept in shit...then scott asked him 2 attend the recongiton day at school...bill says ok scott i will be there...phone rings...hey tell scott i am sorry but i will not be there i have 2 work...yep he leaves me 2 explain why his dad was not there..so i said why don't u stop by after work and see the kids...wellllll i will see what i can do...so today at the school while they where getting there awards i am so proud of them scott turns around and says mom where is dad...then i hear i knew he would not come and then i saw the tears...why does he keep doin this 2 his kids and when is it enough...
another part of my day that made me mad...yesterday we spent 200.00 bucks on food for the house which does not even last us a week..and today jim decides he wanted 2 get his hair cut and takes his son for one 2....then talks about lunch...i said no 2 lunch...i mean we just bought food...so i went along cause i had 2 cash my check and they got there hair cut and his son kept askin for mcdonalds...so jim takes him 2 burger king...i said i am ok i do not want anything...i could not stomach food that i knew i could just eat at home so he got the 2 kids something and skip himself...of course he was pissed that i did not want anything...blah blah.....but see my 2 sons need a hair cut also and its not there fault that they have school so why could this not wait until wed when they r out...i am tired of my kids comin last...and here is the reason...i have done alot of jim and his kids...i would only hope i would get respect from them...i open my home and everything i have 2 them...why does it seem so hard for my kids 2 get the same respect..
Round 2
06.03.06 (8:27 am) [edit]well jim had a talk with his sister of course she did not see how i feel...she started sayin how she had this plan for them 2 get there pictures takin a month ago...last i checked my kids where in the picture a month ago so why leave them out...like i said 2 jim i see this is getting us nowhere fast but that is cool...i do not need anyone 2 love my kidos i love them enough...i have 2 go somewhere and recollect myself i feel myself slipping away into anger...
my thoughts...the little stuff is what i can not stand...the looks i get like who r u and i should listen 2 u cause...when i was a kid no one was there 2 lecture me or tell me wrong from right i did as i pleased thank god for the way i turned out and i could see how it is...so i think i am suppose install this into these kids make then understand the ways...i know they r there own person and should choice the way they live...if someone would of told me what a job it is 2 raise children i might have done alot of things different in my life...growing up i always walked away from things i could not do or felt i was not good at...i can say i would never walk away from my children even though i feel at times i could be a better parent but being a single parent makin sure u tell them everything they need 2 know and show them everything is just overwhelming....trust me jim and i do the best we can and i thank him for helping me with my kidos....
fade away...ever get the feeling like u r not here that when u walk into a room u r not noticed...i can walk into a room where my family is and no one notices but they see jim and my kids and say hi...my kids go 2 jim for everything walk right past me as if i am not there...i have also noticed when i finally told my family about me havin cancer they acted like ok and....but if this was my cousin or someone else it would be a big issue...do i want them 2 hang on me..no...but i would like 2 know i have them 2 back me up...my dad does not call me much anymore its like i am old news now and he done his part of things...but i am 2 feel bad for him about running out of money cause his disabitily has not came threw yet...boy i love that when my parents fall i am suppose 2 go out and make it better...but when i fall its elaine fix it.....so yep elaine is fixing the problem and alot might not like the outcome when i am finish...we got our first lesson for our medical billing class...i am so going 2 make this work...
i had a reading about 2 years ago...no sure if i believe in such but some things she said stick out...she told me i would be with someone with the first letter in there name J...and that i would be happy and she does see a career change...which at that time no one would ever think i would walk out of my last job cause i was in that comfort zone stage...but the one thing that has me fearing is she said she sees me wanting 2 move...i am not 2 move cause if i do it will be hell...i just want peace...
so the end of my blog today i will just say take time for yourselfs and do not try 2 solve all the problems in the world today...
kids
06.02.06 (5:01 pm) [edit]wow...havin 5 kids in the house is alot 2 handle...by the time u try 2 correct one u r 2 tired 2 finish with the 3rd cause the first is acting up again lol...jim had 2 go and get his sister from she needed a ride home...of course his 2 kids wanted 2 tag along but i said no...i wanted jim 2 explain how i feel about the kids and the family...yes it still bothers me...i just do not want 2 stand up 2 my family and tell them how i want them 2 except jim's kids if he does not plan on backin me up on this matter...at this point i really do not care who gets pissed...today was a lazy day it rained all day here so we rented some movies bad mistake lol...started off his son getting pissed at the movies cause he wanted 2 rent a ps2 game...see when we go 2 the rental place its just for movies bottom line...and i put my foot down..i am not out 2 make him pissed i am just keepin it real...i do not let my kids rent those cause its a waste of money soon as u learn the game or get the feel of it u have 2 take it back...but i seem 2 be the bad person cause i have 2 keep tellin them about the rules in the house...see everyday before they came back my kids would get yelled at if they did the things his kids r doin now and yes it gets tiring...but i will not let his children get the free card if u know what i mean...i will always stand up and battle for my kids if i feel the need 2...i love his kids but his ex lets them do as they please and it shows big time...if u tell them no they keep asking...where here if my kids ask its no and they walk away...if we would let them they would eat all day...i am sorry but there is rules about eating shit i am not made of money where i can go out everyday and buy food...well i am done i get very little private time around here now....
mornings
06.02.06 (5:04 am) [edit]mornings....i decided 2 wake with jim this morning...oh how the room was freezing since the fan was in the window..its funny how u know its cold in the room and u r 2 lazy 2 get up and turn the fan off but instead u reach for the covers and put them over your head and hope that someone else would get up and turn it off lol...but its nice 2 have sometime alone with him we let the dog out and walked around the yard 2 look at the flowers and plants we had put in and my rose bush is so pretty my climbing one i have its going up the porch and i aslo have this yellow one its so pretty...but i just stood there looking at jim today like it was the first time i saw him...i miss him..sounds weird i know since i live with the man...but since we have 5 kids running around here we have no time for each other...we try 2 talk at nights in bed but i work and i am tired so we do alittle of that...then we come in and grab our coffee and we sit and watch shows on tv his morning lol...the funny part of morning is seeing the kids come downstairs my kids and getting ready for school and u look at them and say my goodness where in the heck did u get your clothes from...i swear my kids pull there clothes from the back of the closet and think its cool 2 wear...of course i send them back upstairs 2 find something else...i think they have 4 more days left...my oldest he is ready for it 2 end...he has really gave his best this year..i am so proud of him....and the twins also did very good this year my daughter was on honor roll the whole year...i make little jokes about her she is blonde and acts like it lol...so i am shock she does so well in school...as for ryan ever since we found out about school he is doin so much better...so its still morning here and i am on my way down for another cup of coffee and spend more time with jim..i will blog later about other stuff i need 2 get out but i just wanted 2 express how much i love my mornings with the man i love....
