equal
05.31.06 (2:37 pm) [edit]since the first time i met jim's kids i have been equal...i remember begining the other kid...the one brought into a home and not sure how things r going 2 go and feel like am i going 2 be treated with respect...so right from the start i excepted them with love and support...jim took sides which made it hard for me and my kids...i thought this year would be different...i am just in a mood lately because i feel my kids r not excepted by his family...for example my parents in august r going 2 take my kids up 2 the camp for a week and jim said well they have 2 take all 5...which i totally agreed we r a family now and its just not my kids that should go...but see today my kids r at school cause they have 5 more days and well jim's dad picked up the kids and took them 2 his sister's work where they got there pictures taken and all that jazz..i am rather pissed...she calls and asked if my kids will be in school then calls 2 see if the 2 kids can go with her tomorrow 2 go shoppin....my kids will never be a part of jim's family and it makes me ill...my kids seem 2 get shit on everytime they turn around...can u just think how they feel...there dad does not want them unless he finds time...my mom stop takin them here and there...jim yells at them at times that i think he should just let things go...i am at work...then while they r at school his kids do as they please and eat what they like where my kids r 2 ask if they can have something and snack time is before bed which my 2 kids missed last night cause of showers and getting 2 bed late...but his kids had what they wanted and it was just not one thing...i know this sounds petty and probably bad of me but i am hurt for my kids...i just want them treated equal and loved...is that wrong of me??..i just can not stand site of anyone...hopefully soon this will end...
family
05.30.06 (5:35 am) [edit]five kids in this house now...yep jim's kids r here and well the first day was hell...the day of the pinic is when we got them...alot of mixed feelings where filling the air...i stayed home 2 finish up the last of what we had 2 cook and clean and jim went and got his kids...i heard the car pull up and i was on pin's and needles just because i knew how upset jim was from his daughter's attitude lately...the kids just walked right passed me as if i was not even there i was shocked never had they done that 2 me..when i asked jim what was going on and he had told me he yelled at them on the way home i was like great...
3 sides 2 the story....i had jim and his kids sit down...i felt we needed 2 talk this out that i could not have a day where we where not going 2 speak with each other...i started out by sayin i am on everyone's sides and i am not picking between no one..see i can see the kids side of things being i have been them my mother and father did the same shit 2 me tried 2 make me choose between them and its WRONG...no parent should ever make a child choose..when i talked about my parents and how things where and how things r now it opened jim's daughters eyes...but i explain 2 them also that it is ok 2 love both parents that the parents have 2 understand that they only have one father and one mother and its just hard 2 be a child got up in a battle between parents...jim does not want the kids 2 choose he does not want the kids 2 pick him...he just wants respect from his children and the understanding that he will not take the lies and attitude that they give him for no reason...jim is hurt and i know when u get hurt u say things maybe the way u should not but at that time it happens....i love him and i hate seeing him in these moods...its sad i sit by and watch him try 2 get all the feelings out of the way but he cant help the fact that his ex is always up 2 something...since when is it my way or no way when it comes 2 your children...i would never keep my children from there dad nor would make my children lie 2 there father...her side...i can understand her side...i mean ok u have your kids 24/7 and u feel like u do everything while the other parent gets 2 do as they please...but she made the choice 2 pick up and move 2 kentucky and leave pennsylvania so doin that she took on the fulltime parent...i mean my ex lives 5minutes from me and i am the fulltime parent while he plays...his ex has them all in a mess down there...from what i hear from the children they live in hell each day...so what r we suppose 2 do about that...jim explains 2 his ex that he can not have his children living a life like that of course she says she is not going back but i can read this lady like a book i have called all the cards right so far...i know after these 2 weeks with the kids she will head back with the kids and screw jim his summer with his kids...and this will be a ongoing thing for years 2 come...what more can i do...i am not even the step mom yet....
later that day...finally the ice broke and the kids started being themselves and jim's daughter was hanging on me and acting the way she always has..right away when marissa amd i met we where like mother and daughter...she recieved a phone call from a friend from kentucky and she was sayin how she needed 2 come and visit this summer how she wanted her friend 2 meet her step mom...i just sat there with her head on my lap and listening 2 her talk with her friends and seeing she was happy...jim's son and i r the same as we always r...we talk and tease each other but its different with him he wants more of his dad's time which i totally understand...
i love this family that we have here and i just want the best for us....
blog
05.30.06 (5:15 am) [edit]So i sat and thought about my blog...what my blog means...and who should care how it starts and how it ends or whats in the middle....i blog for me its something that i found that works for me...i would get upset and lash out on others before i would think about it first...here i can say what i like and nothing happens 2 the other person...my blog has open a new door in my life and that is forgiveness..i have been able 2 look at people who have done terrible shit 2 me and say i forgive u...i feel no one else should care what i type in this blog or how i type....
i am rather not in the mood for this blog stuff...suppose i need 2 find another place 2 express my feelings...seems there is a certain way 2 blog now a days...so bellz let me know of another place when u read this girlie...or i could just turn my comments off....eh i blog for myself...for certain people who read my blogs and comment back sorry i guess some do not care for the way i do my blog lol...
rambling
05.26.06 (10:58 am) [edit]so i had 2 call bill 2 ask if we still had insurance and of course he had 2 go into details of his work and stuff...i can not wait until i get my own health insurance and i do not have 2 rely on him for that...well i got that call the other day the one i was hopin i would not get...elaine we got the test back and u still have cancer no big deal it has not changed from the last time but we still need 2 see u every 6months...2 my family i blow it off like its no big deal and i am fine...but deep down i am scared and not understanding why we must leave it there and not treat it...i had it scraped last time but it came back....i do want this 2 bring me down and have me just thinking about what if's..so my main focus is getting everything in order money if things go wrong and make sure the kids and jim r takin care of...i was thinkin soon as i can i want 2 draw up some papers and make sure my home and cars and such r not takin away from my kids or jim...i am hopin i am just jumping ahead and its no big deal u know...i mean the doc was like do not worry everything is ok....so just put on a smile and say its ok...
school is almost over and the kids r free lol...jim's hell begins lol...i just do not know how he does it everyday raising someone else kids day in and day out...he is such a huge help...from picking up the kids and takin them 2 school each day and makin sure they have there school work done and the house clean and dinner i cant believe there is such a man out there....but i tell ya i miss doin that...i miss being a stay at home parent...but in time i should be able 2 work from home that is going 2 be great and be my own boss and make my own time lol...grrrrrrr have 2 cut my blog short i need 2 get my kido's computer workin before the guy comes 2 install some school work for them....i am in computer hell...helpppppppp
updates
05.25.06 (8:16 am) [edit]updates...well lets see we got ourselves a new car..2003 dodge interpid...its a nice car my kids look like tiny midgets in the backseat lol..first thing with jim and my name on...its weird but i am happy that i could give him that he is so amazing with my kidos and his car was just falling apart left and right so now i feel much better knowing they have a safe car 
....Bill called me yesterday and said they where going on strike probably that i need not 2 send my children 2 the doc's or anything cause at the end of the month our insaurance will be done..he had this tone like guess what elaine u r on your own...funny...when it comes 2 him i have always did things alone nothing new on that one...i thought i could get all worked up about the fact he might lose his job and then the childsupport would come 2 a stop but u know...so what...i really want nothing 2 do with his negative self...his energy sucks...my mom calls 2 tell me last night on the news it was said that his company is not going on strike that they have 3 years sooooo yeah...lets see if bill calls me on this one...his g/f gets so upset when he tells me stuff...i assure her and bill that i really do not care what happens in there life they do as they please as long as it does not harm my children then i can care less...as for my life its still going strong with jim and i...but the hell is coming back lol...yep his ex-wife is leaving her husband AGAIN...i guess his kids will be here tomorrow and will be at our place on sunday...we r havin a pinic on sunday begins i have 2 work monday nothing new there...so yep i am havin jim's dad and his sister over and her husband and my mom's side of the family and yep u guessed it my dad's side also...sunday will be the first time my stepdad and dad meet up...i pray things will be ok....my stepdad is hurt he told my mom he could not believe my dad would be there...but i keep tellin these people they need 2 get use 2 the fact cause i am going ahead with life and they all belong...i talked about my pain in life 2 blogs ago...and today i am ok with life and i accept all people...as for jim's kids i love them but its hard 2 watch them treat jim like shit..he is a good man no reason for it...but when u got a parent keep tellin the kids how there father is basically an asshole u grow up thinkin that...its not easy 2 walk away from your children or a divorce but i agree with jim it was best for him 2 walk then 2 sit and fight each day...we both gave our ex's 10years of our lifes in hope that things would change and as u can see it did not...jim and i just want the best for our children but we seem 2 get the bad end of the stick each time...eh i am sure this blog will get alot of attention with his ex back in the picture...she feels jim and i r not as happy as we say...but we actually r and i cant believe such love is really out there...
yesterday...my kids really wanted 2 spend time with there dad...at times that hurts cause i feel like maybe i am not doin my part but i know they miss him also and i do understand that...the kids tried callin him last weekend and he never called them nor saw them..so that leaves me 2 be there 2 wipe the tears away...so my daughter wanted 2 call him i have this tone in my voice like ok katelynn but understand that u might like the out come...i guess i am just tired of seeing the sad faces on there faces anymore...so she called and hours later he called back 2 say i can not get them today but tomorrow i will get them when i wake so that is around noon...when it comes 2 these phone convo's i just cant stand them i want 2 reach through the phone and slap him 2 wake him....so i enjoyed my day yesterday my fiance made a flower bed for me in the backyard and planted my rose bushes and my lily and the little flowers my kids made for mother days its beautiful i love it...so i decided 2 make them dinner..i must that i never have time since i changed my job...but i was able yesterday it was nice 2 actually do house chores...i cooked,dishes,laundry...it felt good...and the best part was sitting at the dinner table together as a family and watching the family enjoy the dinner....
during dinner phone rings....its the kids dad wanting my cousin's number 2 go 4wheeling with him someday...this is the same guy that has no time for his kids and has the nerve 2 call and ask me 2 basically give him the number so thats another day he would not spend with his kids...i thought yeah go ahead call my aunts house cause she is not 2 happy with him...she has been asking us 2 go bowling with her and her husband but of course jim and i do not have a sitter for the kids so we always turn them down and she gets so upset cause of all the freedom bill has and these r also his children and he should step up and do his part...funny though bill think's he is doin his part and that is payin child support he feels he does not have 2 much more then that...so when i told him he might get a lecture he said well damn if u need a weekend let me know i will ask my parents 2 watch the kids...typical....i can careless what bill does in his life its his life but i do care when he hurts our children....
today...my kids r getting ready 2 go and spend some time with there dad and they asked me if they should tell there dad how they feel..i said its up 2 them but there dad might not want 2 hear it..i remember being there age and not understanding everything and having alot of hate toward my father...but i have warn bill that the kids r not happy and if he keeps this up he will lose them on his own...but honest i do not think that will phase him for he lives 5mins from them and drives pass the house each day 2 go 2 work...
so time for ourselves i guess jim and i will have 2 wait lol....
lately i have been battling with my thoughts and what i need 2 do...i was raised in such a mess...and 2 make things right i need 2 express how i felt at that time and how i feel now...and what i think i need 2 do 2 be able 2 overcome all this...
it all starts before i was born...how i was innocent in my mothers body how we would think it was the safest place...my mother was not the smartest person...but also feel she is not stupid...my mom was 20 when she got prego...and back then parents believed if u got a girl prego u need 2 marry her...my dad never loved her..i could not image how that would feel...she tried 2 make things right and hoped in time he would love her but u know how try and try and its 2 much...well i believe that is what happen...she tried 2 make it right but totally pushed him away...my dad did not want 2 see where she was coming from he wanted the fastest way out i believe...but lets move on being i was not present at that time and i am not sure all what was going on just hear say....my parents moved 2 canton my dad was running his own gas station and was really doin well for us...my mom thought it would be a nice present 2 go and see my grandmother for her b-day so my parents decided 2 make a trip back home...it was raining and just a bad day when my dad lost control of the car and slid into a 18 wheeler truck and lets just say everyone was ok but the medics thought my mom needed 2 be seen being she was carrying me...my mom had x-rays done and all that jazz back then they did not have those jackets u wear now...so later when my mom had 2 attend her doctors visit he had 2 tell her the news...the doctor told her since the accident that alot could of happen...that havin x-rays and all that...that i could have missing parts and if she wanted 2 go on with this...my mother thought how could i raise a child that needs that much attention and how will i handle seeing a baby like that...my mom's mother said look u r not giving up on this birth and i will raise this child myself...so the day came and so many people where there wishing the best for the baby...so yes i was a miracle baby...i arrived and i had 10 fingers and 10 toes and both eyes and all my body parts...Thanks 2 my grandmother i was kept alive...
5yrs old....my house was little it was a 2 bedroom house and yes we moved back home my mom could not raise me alone...my dad started truck driving and my mom need her mother 2 help out...i remember my dad coming home and i remember alot of things being in the house that back then it was normal...pot smoking,drinking...and the fights i remember hearing my mom pled with my dad 2 stay home and not leave and my dad yelling back u did this...and i stood in the middle tryin 2 make peace between them...my mom pushed my dad so far he thought it would be best 2 move out...my dad did not go far just over in ohio and would come and get me at times...i remember my parents divorcing and my father remarring this lady that i wanted 2 like just cause i wanted a family at that time...but she turned out 2 be a drunk and would hit my father and all that jazz so my dad left her...how this was becoming a pattern for him...now for my mother she went crazy she started drinking and going out and leaving me with peple that where not on the right page of life...these people where in there teenage years and thought it would cute 2 abuse me when they could tell me my mom is dead and put shit in my hair as i would sleep and make me smoke cigs at age 7 and drink...i would beg my mom not 2 let me go with these people but she would not hear me...i would be out running the streets at 1am and doin all this stuff that she had no clue...
that is where alot of my hell begins...my mother found my stepdad at the bar and brought him home one night...i hated him from the beginning i believe it was more that he was not my dad and i could not handle someone else...but i reliazed he was not going anywhere that he was staying in our lives...my mom was getting kicked out of our little house we rented so my grandmother had 2 go out and buy my mother a house so we would have a place 2 live...yep they bought a 2 story house with 4 bedrooms and all that...and there was just 3 people living there...thats where the violence started...my mom finally heard me when i told she needed 2 stop drinking that i could not stand it...so she stopped but my step dad kept at it...and would come home and start fights throw things and try 2 harm my mom i was in 4th grade and i was wrestling a 50yr old man 2 make sure he did not hurt her...how i would go 2 bed with bruises and i would cry myself 2 sleep and pray this would be over soon...here is something i just do not understand of myself...i felt safe at my grandparents house until my grandfather touched me and made me keep it a secret telling me that my grandmother would hate me if she knew that...he only did that onces when i wasa child cause i never let it happen again i was never alone with him after that happen...
years go on and the violence is still happening i am now in my teenage years and i am a mess...i was drinking at the age of 13 and smoking and my mother knew this was happening but over looked it all...my step dad thought he could touch me he started entering my room at nights and tryin 2 touch me but i would wake and scream at him and tell i would tell my mom and that he needed 2 get out of my room...i would stay in my room all day and never go around him and when my mom would leave the house i would fear him...thats when i decided it was the best thing 2 do was tell my bestfriend and she thought it would be best 2 tell her mother so i did...well she thought we needed 2 tell my mother what was going on in her house..i remember that day like it was yesterday...i remember hearing my friends mother sayin we need 2 talk and my mother looked at me with this look as if she was sick of me...and right away said r u prego...i started cryin..how can she think that i was not havin sex...then it came out about her love of her life and she blamed me for this she said i asked for it...i could not believe my mother would say such things 2 me...i cried all i wanted most was her 2 reach out and tell me its ok and that she would make this stop and that she loved me...instead i heard u ruin my life....from that day on i believed my mother did not like me...
bill...i met bill in 10th grade and we started dating he was from another school and i would drive out 2 see him and we would see each other on the weekends...i told bill want was going on at my house and how my step dad now was peeking on me when i would take baths and how i could not handle anymore of it...thats when i thought i need something more 2 remove these feelings i was having each day so i started smoking pot and i felt like everything was going ok and i would forget how i felt until the next day...
my senior year...i graduated and moved out...i went 2 bill's parents house i had told bill's parents what was going on at home and they said i could live there..bill was still in shcool he had one more year 2 complete and i was attending a business school so i thought it was all good...until bill and i fought all the time about the most stupid shit plus he could not just love me he would go and cheat on me and keep it from me and i would find out threw his friends...see the lovely pattern i was falling...
1.smoking...which both my parents did..2.drinking...which both my parents did...3. smoked pot which my dad...4.stayed in a abusive relationship...which my mother did
i took bill's shit for 10years of my life...the only best thing i got out of him was my children...but i woke up before my kids arrived...i stopped the pot smoking and the drinking and smoked cigs rarely and decided i wanted a family and i did not want my kids 2 see all that like i did...but the violence was still there bill would throw me 2 the ground and put his hands around my neck and my oldest would see this and i remember telling my self i need 2 get out of this...finally with the help of friends telling me i could raise my children myself and i would be ok i told bill i wanted him 2 leave...
found myself falling 2 pieces all over again..i wanted 2 be loved and was lookin in all the wrong places..i started dating this guy that was so attached 2 me i could not go 2 the bathroom without him...i made that go away and i thought i found the right one...he was going through some emotional things in life he lost his child and i was there 2 tell him it would be ok...come 2 find out that was all a lie and all he wanted was someone 2 beat on and abuse sexualy and made it look like he loved me...he would wake me in the night and make me have sex with him and told me i would have a child with him rather i like it or not and i had no choice in the matter...i prayed each night i would not get prego...one day i woke 2 sever pain and bleeding after he had punched me in the stomach that night and told me if i was prego he would take the baby from me and raise it and i would have nothing 2 do with it..i prayed for something 2 happen 2 give me the strenght 2 fight...the day i went 2 the hospital and for some reason they said i was not prego...but called me the next day 2 tell me i had clamydia thats where i had the strength 2 kick him out and fought for myself...but couple of weeks later i found out i was prego..my family r chrisitan people and would never hear of ending my prego but i could not raise a child that i did not make inlove how would or how could i look into those eyes knowing i was forced into havin sex...so i ended my prego and i am sure i will get feed back on how i was wrong for do it...which each day i wonder if i did the right thing...but i was not just thinkin of myself i was thinkin of this baby what kind of father it would have and my children now...let me just say i do not feel like most when u go out and have fun and u get prego u should end it....but it was not a safe place...but i got paid back trust me...i ended up in the hospital and was bleeding 2 the point where if i did not reach the hospital at that time i was going 2 be found dead on a bathroom floor...so something or someone made sure i stuck around...thats when i woke 2 understanding its just not about me that i had 3 kids that needed me 2 be a mother and not focus on finding love...
Year without contact...yep i went a year without contact of the opposite sex...i focus on my children and my work and thought i could handled life that way..how it was not bad and i did not need someone in my life 2 share love cause i had all the love i needed...
phone call...my mother called me 2 tell me my grandfather was passing away and i needed 2 be there..so for a week we watched him struggle and it was something i did not enjoy one would think i would say this is pay backs for all the harm u had done 2 people but instead i lean into him and told him i forgive him and that all i wanted from him was 2 watch over my grandmother and kissed him goodbye....and u might wonder how it is with my stepdad yes i forgave him also...and made ground rules and told me i am not letting my guard down and if something would happen 2 my kids i would have him arrested...as for bill...i told him i wanted him 2 focus on his kids and we r able 2 have convo's here and there...
today...today i am with an amazing man that totally understand's me and accepts me for me something i wanted in my life for a long time...we complete each other and r 100% in love...and we have a family which i could not ask for nothing more...so yes i forgave everyone that did harm 2 me in hope that they harm no one else...
What a day
05.19.06 (9:18 pm) [edit]late night....usually at this time i am in bed and havin a small talk with jim before bed....today alot happen...it starts off we had 2 attend a school meeting on my son Ryan..i have blogged about him alot being i can't seem 2 reach him...well today we where just discussing his grades and whom i wanted ryan 2 have teach him next year....but i wanted 2 talk about NOW...my eight year old son is not a normal 8 yr old...you know the types the ones who like 2 play and r full of energy...my son has fallin into depression something i did not know how 2 stop or what 2 do...today i found out that my son teacher was doin my son wrong....something she just does not like about my son so she thought she would pick on him this year...i decided i needed 2 speak 2 the principal being i have never talked with this lady this year at all...funny...the way my son's teach talked about how ryan gets so out of control she does not know what 2 do one would think the principal would be aware of such behavior...as i sat in the principal's office and spoke 2 her about what was happening and how the teacher called my HOUSE.. and told me that i needed 2 teach my son how 2 respect adults was unreal....the look on the principal face was somethings...she had said that she was not aware of such things and that she was not aware of ryans behavior...i had serval people step up and tell me that there is something not right in that class but they did not want 2 tell me everything cause of them losing there job...
where does that leave us....well when ryan came home today jim and i had him come and sit and talk with us...we said we where sorry for not believing everything he was tellin us...my son is not perfect and i do believe he has done some of what he is getting blamed for....but i do believe the teach is blowing it up 2 be something more...i mean she told me my son was getting kicked out of school....the principal had no clue where she got that from...but as for my son i explained 2 him that i will listen better when he speaks 2 me and i would turn my back on him...the look in my son's face was something i will never forget it was a relief look....
Aslo today later after all that my mom had called and told me there was a house fire near by...i went out back and saw smoke it was like in my backyard the smoke was heavy and i could barely breath....i hate seeing a house fire i got tears right away....when i went out 2 see if there was something we could do...but all we could do was look...i heard the lady say she left her curling iron on its a shame they lost there house....its sad i feel bad i get 2 go into my bed tonight and they r without...i want 2 do something i feel i should do something i mean its my neighbor and that is what i feel is wrong with todays world we do not help out our fellow neighbors because we fear the unknown.....
my mind
05.19.06 (6:31 am) [edit]my mind....it seems like i never have time 2 just let it be empty...i am always thinking its amazing how i can sleep at night...i am thinking up until my eyes close and i am fast 2 sleep...but actually i am getting tired...its hard 2 worry about 4 people and making sure they r ok...down fall is i always put myself on the back burner and i am sure that is not always good...but i want everything 2 work....i want my kids 2 feel safe and have no worries and i want jim happy...i just remember being my kids age and worring if i was always going 2 have a home 2 come home 2....or if i was going 2 have a hot dinner...i want to get my life together and focus so much more on what i have 2 do...right now i work at a retail store which is getting me no where fast...so many promises and nothing 2 show....i want 2 be closer 2 my family and get back intouch with myself...i was thinking of ways i could do that...i have a nice size home...a room i could make into a office and i was thinking of doin a couple of different things in the home....like notary and in the fall i am taking a tax course so i could do taxes in my home and i am thinking about medical billing...since before all this i was in school for medical assistance...i just do not feel complete unless i am with my family...so my mind races each day.....its funny sometimes i wish i could take a vacation from my mind....
Mother Day's blues lol
05.14.06 (6:58 pm) [edit]Mother's Day....well my dad started off the kids letting the dog outside and leaving him out there 2 bark his head off...now let me just say i worked last until midnight....sooooo mom wanted 2 sleep in just alittle because mom has 2 work today at noon...so i had 2 wake and go and get the dog in the house....even though Jim beat me downstairs lol..but still i was awake...so get this the kids dad called yesterday and asked all kinds of question when i was going 2 work and such...here bill's mom had gotten me a mother's day gift from my kids that was very nice of her....but ok so today i go 2 work and they where giving out a rose for the mothers at work...and yep u guessed it i did not get one...(pouts)so that totally sucked lol...so really i did not have a mother's day...i mean yes the kids brought home things they made for me from school and jim got me plants for the porch and rose bushes....but call me silly i am into lets fix mom breakfast....eh what u going 2 do...i finally got 2 call my mom and wish her a happy mother's day when i got off work which was 9....so thats how my day went...work and work....story of my life
maybe i am 2 hard
05.13.06 (7:51 am) [edit]So its saturday...lets see i woke 2 have cup of coffee and feelings like shit...Lately the kids have been not so good around here...i know kids r kids and i am just beginning 2 see what is in store for there teenage years...but i just can not take the back talk and the rude of it all...i watch the kids respect there dad and his g/f but soon as they return 2 Jim and I its all down hill...Why...what have i did 2 deserve all this...I was and still is here for them...I cant help that i have 2 work and make sure we r takin care of in that way...but see there dad does not have any ground rules for them...but lets remember he gets his kids maybe every sunday for ohhh 6 hours or less...so why should he care(right)....I have rules 2 protect them...
Scott my oldest (9) 2 years ago got attacked by 2 boys ages 12-13 for no reason just 2 be ignorant...but they beat my son with a belt and a hard paint broom brush and was tryin 2 attack my daughter (8)....now if it was not for other kids coming 2 the area my kids may have gotten really hurt....so i called the police and thought we would get this solved well they did NOTHING...well let me explain something see the boys where black and the cop was black and said my son called them a niger and that is why they attacked my kids and therefore the cop is not going 2 do anything....that word is not used in my home and my children do not go around sayin such words...my kids play with all different types of children....so on that note i have RULES...
my children r not 2 go far where we can not see them and they just do not understand why i fear so much...i watch kids scott's age down on dangerous streets alone and playin and i wonder where in the hell is there mother and how r they down here alone...i might be over protective but i feel i need 2 be in this world today...my kids get upset that they can not stay at other peoples houses like there friends...well my answer is 2 that i have no idea who this is....they never have them over nor have i meant there parents...how do i know if the parents r good parents....that is like leading my children 2 a death trap...
It just hurts 2 see that i do not have a bond with them....i just want the best for them and i just do not want them 2 fall without me standing there 2 pick them up....i know kids have 2 fall 2 understand alot of life issues but its so different then it was for me....I never thought it would be so hard....
I just hate being the bad parent.....ugh....but i do what i have 2...
are you lucky
05.12.06 (8:09 am) [edit]So i have 2 days off and i spent my first day out in the rain planting flowers...now let me just say this i am not a big person on planting flowers i just can not seem 2 keep the little buggers alive lol...yes i know they need water and plant food and love which i give but never fears they die...so i have the black thumb....well see i am up one...i helped pick out the flowers and let my fiance plant them...hmmm hopes that works out lol...but actually it was fun i really enjoy spending time with Jim...you would never catch me out in the rain planting flowers...but things changed alot for me since he has been in my life...i feel different and enjoy more things then i have in the past
Do u ever sit and wonder how lucky u r??...In the past i thought i had no luck..it seemed as something was keeping me from happiness...but i found out who that someone was...it was myself...i felt like i needed 2 be with people who had no self control who did not care about nothing...but i found my luck again when i found Jim...actually jim and where friends couple of years before we made a go of things...he always seems 2 understand how i feel...what i like most about us is that we can be in a mood and totally understand and make no big deal about it...where as before in my relationship if u got a bug up your ass they got pissed...i feel he is my everything and he makes me complete....
Yesterday....my kids where so happy 2 come home and bring me a flower in a cup that they made for me for mothers day...i love those home made gifts they mean so much 2 me and the little cards they make....those mean so much 2 me....i cant say that enough and the look in there faces when they give them 2 me is everything...so yes i am blessed with so much love and i feel like there is something i need 2 do 2 express my thanks for my prayers being answered long ago...So thank you
remembering
05.11.06 (4:24 pm) [edit]well i made it through 30 lol...i mean at times i cant believe i am 30...i remember being a kid and playin outside until the street lights came on....and how the days seem 2 last forever...man who turn time into speed..i mean it felt like yesterday i had my first son scott and now he is going 2 be 10....i remember havin such this wild mind when i was young i could go outside and find something 2 do without askin what should i do...my kids lack that they get bored so easy...this world has changed so much...haha i remember my neighbors watching me walk up and down the street and talk with myself but see they never knew about my non existing friend lol...but she helped those lonely times...see i did not have brothers or sisters growing up i got those later in the years...step siblings oh joy lol...haha i remember my grandparents calling my mom and heard me in the background and they said i hear elaine has friends over...mom would say ummmm no thats her lol...yeah i would make my voice change...see i had a mother that was not able 2 do alot with me...growing up for her was hard she had problems understanding alot and back then those kids that had trouble would get pushed in the back of the room and over looked...plus she could not read....but that did not matter i love her for her....so she had it hard dealing with a child that need so much...so thank god i was able 2 go through school and get help if i needed through out the school...i remember able 2 leave our doors unlock and car windows down...geesh i cant even leave a plant on the porch without someone doing something 2 it...haha the style of clothes i would wear lol jelly shoes my oh my lol...we would ripe our jeans and write on them lol...what where we thinking...oh and do not forget the jelly braclets lol...and the puffy hair style lol....now clothes r low cut and shows alot...my daughter is only 8 and i thought i could find her some nice clothes for school this year and they had all this low cut stuff...sorry my child does not have 2 show anything....
So that brings me 2 30....so far i have totally understood that i am not alone on this that almost every women has gone through something...
Jim had the party for me and my parents where there and i was so happy 2 see both of them in the room together and not one bad thing was said....they actually spoke words 2 each other...i love my parents...and i am blessed with step parents also so i have lots of love...its just we all need 2 focus on that more then anything and never forget what we have...
Yesterday's hell
05.08.06 (8:25 am) [edit]So it happened i woke yesterday and i was 30...The kids where all excited it was mom's b-day...Mom on the other hand was depressed...Why...Maybe alot of things like what haved i done in my twenties did i make a difference in anything...I really did not think 30 was going 2 be bad...Man was a wrong...I tried the well lets pretend u r still 29..Man did i feel VERY comfortable at 29 lol...So i told the kids i was 29..I mean for me i did not pay attention 2 my mothers age why would i...But for some reason my kids know all lol...they r like mom u r not 29 u r 30....Yep slap in the face lol...So if that did not bring me down abit i had 2 go to work and face the world lmao...
Work....i stand there and nothing is going through my head nothing i feel as i am not there...but my face must of had a drawn look or something cause the customers knew something was wrong and they would ask...and my reply was on its just my b-day...they r like well happy b-day and how old r u....typical lets kick her when she is down lol...i replied 30 i could not believe i took the step 2 admitt i was 30....they laughed and said my dear 30 is nothing try being 40...i said i wish i could get over being 30...and here is the replies i got
30 almost ended my marriage....30 i never even knew it did not feel any different then 29....i was 29 for 5years....i found myself at 30....i was able to go back to school and get on with my life...30 meant my kids r older now and do not need me...cried like a baby....
now i feel hopless...i need a job change something 2 spark up things...maybe going back 2 school is not a bad idea...ugh..school lol....but yeah i look at my oldest he is going 2 be 10 god where did the years go...and i have totally lost myself...
today....party...oh how i do not want this...everyone happy 2 see me at age 30....but i received my gifts from jim last night...i finally got my ring i always wanted after 13yrs...jim makes all my dreams come true...and i love him....haha and my plack of troy #43 my favorite steeler football player its awesome....
well i am sure u will here me bitch and complain for awhile but i hope someday soon i will understand why 30 is so hard....
Old
05.06.06 (8:44 am) [edit]OLD...yep i feel OLD...these last few days here i have been going threw so much..i got great news from one doctor yay u r doin so well...2 going 2 another doctor 2 tell me i still have cancer...yeah i have been dealing with cancer for over a year...uterus cancer 13 different types....when i hear them tell me that it sounds like hmmm i get 2 pick which one i want...and the look on there face as if i should not worry its nothing....so i sit and i wait here is the part that totally sucks u go and u have your pap test done and they tell ya well we will get the results back ohhhhhh week or 2...so i sit and wait hopes that it just up and walked out of my body...i am like lets just nip it in the bud and get on with it already they r tellin me well if its still there we will wait another year then probably have 2 do something...WHAT...it almost sounds like when i had a problem with my truck and it was a hose that was leaking and the mechanic said look its a hose i cant find it but i am sure when it finally breaks its something we need 2 fix...so elaine we will fix it when it totally breaks....nice...
but really i just can not get enough energy i cant stay awake and its getting so hard 2 work....i get sleep at night but when i wake it seems as if i did not sleep at all...my body hurts each day where i almost can not walk...i had this before and my thyroid was really out of wack but like i said my doc told me that it was doin fine nothing 2 worry about...its just OLD AGE...ugh..tomorrow is the big day the big 30...i rather go back then ahead lol...in my last blog i had comments about how 30 is not bad how basically u find yourself or able 2 do things u thought u would never do...
i can relate 2 that already the age 25-27 i really found myself and totally understood alot...so maybe age 30 will make me do alot more for myself...
but for now i rather just hide away in the mountains or on a beach enjoying the weather...
The count down...
05.03.06 (7:55 pm) [edit]Well 4 more days until the big DAY!!...might wonder what that could be its a new beginning...its scary....its another level...yep i turn 30....lol...i rather stay put i like 29 i really do lol...here is the funny part of this all...my birthday its just another day..usually i just do nothing no big deal...well jim my love thought it would be cool 2 have a party for my 30th but had 2 end up tellin me about it because he was stuck in a hard spot...well if u have been falling my blog at all u would know that there is a battle between my parents and he was planning this party with my dad....but they both know i did not want my parents 2 meet up at a party or holiday function...i mean they have not spoken 2 each other in a very long time and both blame the other for things i really do not care 2 bring up but anywho...so my dad said look jim elaine means alot 2 me so i will just back off i will help with the party but i will not come...WHAT!!!!!!!!!....i am so glad jim had 2 speak with me about all this...i will not and can not have my father not there...i finally got him back into my life and i just can not break free of him now...so no one knows i know about the party...jim called today and told my dad that he thought he better show up cause of how i did not have him in my life for anything special..my dad agreed and said he would be there...now he called my mom and she was all happy and stuff until she heard my dad and his g/f will be there along with my aunt from my dad's side....i want both my parents there bottom line...*sighs*...guess its in there hands now....
but i am sure i will be blogging alot more...I FEAR 30 LOL....
Wait...hmmm they do say that its like feeling teenage and wanting all that sex again...hmmm notice lately pimples forming on the face...now we can go back into time but lets leave some of it else where lol...anyways i am wondering how most of u ladies handled your 30th b-day...lots of crying???lol
fish game/time
05.01.06 (8:50 am) [edit]so i sit and play on the computer this morning and last night pretty late...which is totally odd being jim and i always find something else 2 do then sit on here...but we found this stupid game on yahoo its raise your own fish tank and u have 2 sell and make new fish..sounds pretty easy i thought being that i have a fish tank what all would it take...haha...well lets say i killed all my fish had 2 start a new one then things r lookin good and i have been selling and makin new ones now my tank is failing again and its not like they let u get big bucks for your fish so i cant buy all the supplies i need...urghhhhhhh....but anyways i am just sayin this stupid little game is takin up my time along with jim's....hmmm..sad?? or just eh so what enjoy it while it last lol...i use 2 be so addicted 2 chatting with my online friends where i would find myself falling asleep on here at times...but since jim and i have been together we do much more then sit and chat....of course i get on my blog from time 2 time just cause i like 2 just blow off some steam at times and i have really enjoyed reading some of the blogs that i go 2 when i am online...jim gets on his steeler website so its not like we r takin time away from each other its just he does his little thing and i do mine...he laughs when he sees i am on the blog...i gave him the link 2 my blog and he sat and read some of my stuff...one might think that is nutz being at times when i am pissed i talk about him...eh look jim and have no secrets he knows all and i am not afraid 2 express how i feel...*sighs* i just checked on my fish tank and well alot of my fish r not doin so good...suckers....haha...
