updates
04.29.06 (8:40 pm) [edit]well good news on my half of things i got my bloodwork back and it turns out that i am ok..whew...funny thing though is how do i go from the doc sayin it looks bad really bad 2...i will see u back in 5months....hmmm when i had 2 get bloodwork done every month and have my meds changed reguarly...life is funny...well at work i am doin different stuff getting 2 know more about different jobs so its cool actually been coming home more happier...as for my daughter i am proud of her she is eating and totally understands why we where worryin about her..this school shit is getting out of control this u r 2 fat and the bullies in school r just out there....i almost want my kids 2 stay home and get taught at home anymore the kids r out of control not enough of the parents give a damn anymore...
ryan...he is still out of control...my next step with him is havin the school write up a paper on him and seek help from another doctor...i cant get through 2 him at all which totally drives me nutz...
Jim...i think he is getting frustrated with ryan 2....know one knows how 2 handle him...i love jim...but lately i can see he is just had enough with the kids and how they act anymore...i know it can be hard 2 raise someone elses kids...i am rather pissed off at his kids right now cause of the rudeness they have for there father...its rather sick..he cares so much for them and trys 2 do his best but no matter what he does its never good enough thanks 2 there mother the royal bitch...sorry for that but she trys 2 still control jim's life and the kids....thank god bill and i r not like that i could not handle that....
Speaking of that bill might not have a job after this weekend...means no childsupport until he figures out something...so that puts alot of stress on me...i wish things would start going right for me...i mean my life has changed so much since jim as been in it and do not get me wrong i am happy for that...its just i kick myself in the ass everyday i wake 2 think if i just had finish school long ago i would now have a job in a hospital or doctors office but i dropped out of college because i thought marriage and family was something i wanted more....and i hope that does not sound bad because my kids mean so much 2 me its just i wish i had parents that would of had me look at the whole pic of things then just go along with how i wanted things...
as for my grandma she is still going on each day...i feel for her i wish i could do something for her...its sad 2 watch someone suffer day in and day out...
my dad well he wants us 2 come over his place tomorrow for a little cookout...u ever get though days where u just do not want 2 head out anywhere...sighs...i think i have that right now i rather just sit at home and relax.....
my mom well we have been talkin here and there...nothing special...
i just wish there was a book or something 2 help me focus on the rights and get somewhere in life...i wish i had the answers...
but for now i will just focus on my family and try 2 be as strong as i can be for myself and my family
What a mess
04.20.06 (5:17 pm) [edit]I sit and think maybe i should write a book about my life...things with Jim and i r still going on strong...its everything around me that is fallin...I feel bad for Jim its hard not able 2 work when u have worked most of your life...Now he is stuck at home and even though he helps me out ALOT...i can see he wants more for himself which i do not blame him...well lately he has been battling it out with the 2 of the kids for some reason they do not want 2 eat his food...i feel my 8 yr daughter has a food disorder and we r going 2 speak with a doctor about it...she barely eats and i see her fallin apart before my eyes...finally today she told me she thinks she has a problem...i asked if she is bring the food back up she said no...ryan is still acting up in class..i have no idea how 2 stop that...his dad was on the same level as me then decided that he was no longer going 2 punish him...so now i am 2 figure this out....the only one that seems 2 be getting it is my older son scott... well i have not seen my grandmother in a long time i am actually afraid 2 see her..she is sick not able 2 walk far without havin oxygen...u know when people get that sick and they ask for something its a bad sign meaning they want 2 say what they have 2 say 2 move on...well that is what she did 2 me yesterday...when i arrived at her place she was outside sitting on the porch i am thinkin she could not get back into the house and my aunt left her out there...wtf...when i helped her back in before i left she was gasping for air..i rushed into the room 2 get her oxygen and she still could not catch her breathe...she looked at me and said i cant keep going threw this i want 2 die..they found fluid around her heart and want 2 have surgery done...she rather go on without and just give up....she told me she loves me and that i need 2 keep both my parents in my heart and reach out 2 both of them...i have always took my grandma's advice she is a amazing women and has taught me so much in life...i cant help but for ignorant for i do not want her 2 go....how would i go on....it was sad my son scott seen me crying and said mom tomorrow in church i will say a prayer for her...then he stood infront of me with tears in his eyes sayin mom this is 2 sad...and i cant help but sit here in tears myself.... went 2 see my dad today...god he looks bad also...he can not stand straight and has these really bad headaches...my mind is a mess i can not focus on all of this i am not sure which way 2 turn...plus i had my blood work done today lets hope that turns out right...*sighs*...if it comes back not good then i have 2 go and see a brain surgery...cause i have a tumor...i so can not deal with this right now...
what will happen next
04.15.06 (9:41 am) [edit]well thursday was our easter dinner...*sighs* i have 2 work on sunday so i had 2 have my dinner couple of days early...it was nice but i was under the weather i got myself sent home early on wed and i was not up 2 doin 2 much on thursday i help out as much as i could but jim did almost everything....so it was time for our dinner guest 2 arrive and i just had my father and his g/f over for the dinner and my dad looked like i did when he arrived...his health is not so great...i felt bad that he came i told my father on the phone that if he was not up 2 it that i totally understood...*stubborn*,....giggle....we both r...i felt like i got hit by a mac truck and i would not call it off either...but the dinner went very well the kids where outside playin and we sat in the kitchen and watched them threw the window and talked....
Next day....when everything hits home....my dad stopped by cause he had 2 come into town 2 get his pills and wanted 2 return something 2 me....of course he did not stay long he was in alot of pain...when he left i thought i needed a nap before work i still was not feelin 2 good and i just got into bed when jim was like hun your mom and dad r here....so i came downstairs and i sat on the sofa and i just felt like i need 2 rest but i sat and talked with my mom and my stepdad...they stopped over 2 give the kids easter gifts but they where with there dad...so they where like i guess we will go then...i walked them outside and then that is where i just spoked up...
I looked at my mother and said its not shock u know dad is here and u know he is living back here...and she got her attitude like always the kind where its like no matter what i say she will give me attitude...but i thought i have 2 get this out and i went on with what i had 2 say...i said i think u all need 2 get together before my wedding day...i said i will not have fights on my day...my stepdad said i am not getting into this basically he is ok with this and rather just stay out of the fire which i wish i could...of course my mom started off sayin he is turning u against me...ugh....i said remember before he came here we did not talk much i said we fight alot mom its just how we r....she said i am sure he talks bad about me..which my dad has not just talked about a problem in the family that i am aware of and i know what he is talkin about...she then got upset cause he told me that...but its not a secret...this battle i cant stand...i told her stop thinkin about the pass and move on....yeah i know my dad was out of my life many years and maybe i should be upset about that but i am not..i love my father and i want him 2 be a part of my life....as for my mother i want her in it...its just she is so hard 2 get close 2...she always pushes me out...then she got pissed and said now my kids will like him more....i explain 2 her that no one is turning against anyone....we r just opening our arms out for more people 2 enter our lives...i told her i am a adult now and its time i put my foot down about how i want things 2 go in my life....i felt bad for jim he was tryin 2 make my mom see what type of person i am...i do not go on hear say...i go on what i feel....i do not judge and i will never judge my parents...
update
04.10.06 (6:36 pm) [edit]eh everything is stilling going well here at home...having easter dinner couple days early cause i have 2 work on easter...havin my dad and his g/f over for dinner...still not comfortable with both my parents under the same roof...but soon they will have 2 face each other because its not going 2 be my wedding day when they first meet again(bites my nails)...like my dad said he will respect my mom and stepdad..its my mother i am afraid that will step out of line....i am not afraid of my stepdad he is a reasonable person and understands that i have always wanted a relationship with my dad...but like i said alot of mixed feelings between everyone...
well ryan my son is really getting out of hand and has the school thinkin he needs time out....(what)ugh...8yrs old and he can not keep it together...so lately i have been tryin 2 get inside of his head and see what the heck is going on...i am not sure why this little boy seems so depressed....i think its that i work and i cant be here all the time...but i am a single mom and i have 2 work 2 be able for us 2 live in our home and all that comes about....i explain 2 ryan that i hate it 2....that i wish i could be around alot more....but i did give up alot i use 2 work 2 jobs and i was never home just the weekends....so i have done something on my part of things...now i asked him 2 help me out by getting it together for school...i am so scared 2 see my children reach teenage life ugh......
still have not had a serious talk with my mom yet...not sure how 2 start out with her....of course she will say i am blaming her or think its all her fault....(mothers)....first the type of person i am i do not blame until i hear from both sides and i have been hearing my mothers side for 29yrs...like i said my dad had the last puzzle piece...i understand that my mother maybe thought she was doin right by me and maybe at the time she was...but for once in my life i feel good about myself and i like talkin with my dad cause i see alot of myself in him...my mom likes 2 hold on 2 the bad and never let go never can she put the past back in the past...but for me i am all about the future and wanting the best for my children and myself and jim the love of my life....and maybe she will see someday how much i want all of this and can come 2 terms with everything....
