alone
03.31.06 (11:19 am) [edit]Well i thought i would come up and read some blogs r maybe ramble on mine for a bit...Jim is layin down and i have sometime 2 just bullshit....Well things look good for us 2 get a nice car...happy about that....i am not sure i am having a melt down of my mind or what lately....anymore i forget alot lately or have no expression on how i really feel...this might sound bad but when i should show remorse i show nothing...still the thought of my dad back here and all is out there....i am so not use in someone wanting 2 help me through whatever i need...some might think he tryin 2 make up for the lost...well we talked about that there is nothing he nor i can do about the time we lost...its just sad my mom rather not help me at all or have me down 2 nothing in life...makes me wonder if she feels she needs 2 keep this anger up since she never wanted me....and this is not what my dad has spoke of this came from her mouth...her words r(i hate kids)my dad did say when she found out she was prego she was PISSED!!!...ok then why have me why put me through shit all those years....i know i will never get all the answers i want.....i know she will keep me in the dark as much as she can(typical)...i really do not want 2 think about anything....my mind cant take all that keeps entering...hmmmm scary thought with my mind a mess will i invite evilness into the world...i mean u watch those shows on tv...depressed women have evil living inside of her....UGH!!!....ok off the topic i just get a call from mom cause my uncle is up from NC...ughhhhhhhhhh why am i so distance from that side of the family i have issues way 2 many of them....i was just like yes no yeah ok...it was like how fast can i get off the phone...what is wrong with me...ugh now i am stressing so i need 2 step away lol..typical....now u can see why i am so lost in this world...
car buying!!!!!!
03.30.06 (6:30 am) [edit]YIKES!!!!...haha well yesterday Jim and I had 2 take his car which is a 94 2 the shop 2 get some work done for it needed 2 get inspected...guy calls and says ok damage is 350.00...*sighs*ok do what u have 2 we need 2 cars...so we proceed in what we where doin at the time...well before going home i said lets stop by and see how the cars is going...guy greets us at the door and says i need 2 show u something...*huge sigh*ok lets see whats up...shows him that his car can not be inspected cause the leaf spring is broke and needs 2 be replace and how dangerous this car is....*crys*...ugh...so of course we had 2 paid for the work he did do...so basically we walk out with sad puppy dog faces...we come home and we call around 2 see how much this part would cost...550.00 just for the part...*what!!!!!!!!!*...well after that it still needs more work in a few months so i said hmmm maybe buyin another car one we can rely on and all...see i use 2 work 2 jobs makin good money for myself but it caused me huge stress in life that i could not deal with...so now my income does not measure up...whatever lol...anyways...the guy is like u have awesome credit..of course...buy my income is not where most banks like 2 see...even though i paid off 2 cars already and i am advance in so much...so we had 2 use Jim's income...but he has bad credit cause of his lovely ex wife..anywho that brings me 2 wanting 2 pull my hair out...so we sit and wait..ugh i never had 2 wait for nothing...boom bam it was done...my dad is tryin 2 help out also..i rather he not...i feel weird accepting money from him..i mean he was out of my life for 16yrs and now wants 2 help me out...*sighs*...i know something will work out(hope)...just like 2 have no worry for awhile lol..
night out
03.27.06 (8:49 am) [edit]Well it started saturday i had 2 go back 2 work for i was off entire week with all that has been going on...well i thought i had sunday off that i would ask my father and his g/f 2 spend some time with jim and myself and of course his grandchildren... It was nice callin and hearing his voice and feeling that bond with him...So i asked him if he would like 2 do something with us sunday..he replied of course sounds great...It did not dawn on me that i did not speak of this with my kids nor Jim...(oops)...So on the way home from work i called home and said i am sorry but made plans for the family sunday...of course Jim was not upset with me he knows how much this means 2 me..... So we take the kids 2 Jillan's its like a chuckie cheese it has everything bowling...games...pool..food just a fun time...well of course the kids loved it and haha so did jim...(kid at heart)...well that gave my dad and i and his g/f 2 talk... Judy is her name...hmmm...well at first i was not sure about her..u know that hmm is she going 2 stand in my way of being with my father...u know what i am sayin lol...well she is nothing like that... See Judy dated my dad before he had gotten with my mother...and she blames my mom for them not being together...but hey i was not there 2 understand that part.... So i am sitting there tellin my dad how this is still hard on me for i am not sure how 2 talk with my mom now....and judy spoke up and said i think of u as my own u r my daughter (shock mouth hits the table)she said u where suppose 2 be my child...back on judy she never married nor had any kids...hmmmm..she is a nice lady...could of it been she missed my father... They talk about how they feel complete and how much they love each other and how it felt they never left each other....funny jim and i feel the same way...so much intouch with each other..(cute) So my kids r enjoyin this(spoiled)of course my dad made sure they had a blast there last night... But i had 2 ask my dad when judy walked away 2 spend some time with my daughter if i was over doin it...i do not want 2 push myself on him but i do not want 2 lose any more time with my father...he said no he likes this and enjoys every moment he has with us.... Wedding my dad is talkin about my wedding day with jim and how he can not wait...hmmm (scared)this means i will have both parents face 2 face at this day...(yikes)my dad and judy replied that they will be polite and make sure nothing goes wrong on my day...but...my mother is a different story... I am sure my dad is going 2 marry Judy and i would accept her with open arms... As the night came 2 a end we r sayin our goodbyes and i give her a hug and she said i love u (whoa)and i watched my dad shake hands with jim and say his goodbyes 2 my kids and watch judy hug my kids...i am finally seeing what a family is suppose 2 look like...i really enjoyed my night
everything
03.26.06 (7:23 am) [edit]well i am still talkin with my dad and spending time with him its a good feelin 2 stare at someone that looks alot like me and have the same attitude towards everything...haha how others say we r both STUBBORN...haha...but its not easy for me though...i fight with these emotions in my head how can a mother let abuse happen 2 her child year after year...how can a mother lie and keep lyin 2 her child...i cant even look at my step dad for he plays a part in this 2...how he drives around in a new truck that my dad bought...yeah come 2 find out my mother just got 5,000.00 last month and never once told me about it nor shared any of it...just another let down by my mom.....how can u let a 5yr old child take care of u...when my dad left i had 2 grow up and take care of her...my grandpa had a problem keepin his hands 2 himself he touched all of his children several times in there life as kids and adults and i guess he thought it would be good 2 touch me...my mother let this happen she knew what her father was like...so i go through life with this dirty feeling and she let this happen...my father told me all...see my father was a truck driver that would go out on the road at times and this one time my dad came home from being on the road 2 my mother cryin and really upset he asked her what happen she told him that my grandfather came 2 the house drunk and tryin 2 do shit 2 her and my dad said WHAT...he said he is never 2 step foot in my house again with my daughter and called my grandparents and told my grandma 2 come over...when she got there he told her that my grandfather would never see me again for he over stepped his bountries...my grandma sat in tears and my father told her u r welcome in my home he is 2 stay away...i guess my dad was watching out for his family...so my mom would not sleep with my father and kept tellin him if he wanted it 2 go out and find it...one could not blame her for she has been through alot...but tellin him 2 go out and find it somewhere else was not what i would have done....one would think u would go for help and tryin 2 sort through all those feelings...so after 3years of this my dad stepped out of the marriage and went 2 find it...of course i my mother got pissed and my dad could not take all this so he thought the best thing was 2 leave and then he would not be hurting her anymore...well my dad moved 2 ohio which that was not far from me and he thought i will get my daughter on the weekends and still be a huge part of her life...until my grandfather had his turn at the bat...he thought my dad left so now he would keep him away forever...my grandfather was chief of the fire deparment and was friends with all the police and knew alot of people...being he worked at a steel mill also..one night my dad was heading into town 2 see me when he got pulled over and they ran his plates 2 find out who he was and then said look get back into your car and be gone for if u try 2 see your daughter we will arrest u on charges of great amount of drugs we will plant these things on u and u will be sent away for along time...so my dad got back into his car and left...he realized living up this way will be a set back for him cause my grandfather was makin things hard on him here...so my dad left town went 2 AK where he started his new life without his daughter...every time he would reach me or try 2 come this way men in black suits would go 2 my grandma's house askin for my dad...it was hard on her...for she could never see my dad and really did not want anything with me cause she knew how my family was and i would only get my dad in prison...when my dad told me this and i told him i believe him he was shocked he thought i would call him a liar for all he was sayin about my grandfather...but when i told him it happen 2 me and that i understood and believe it my father is like i am so sorry i tried 2 stop it...just part of me is like how could someone but such fear into someone 2 make them hide out from everyone...now i can not stomach my mom and i know she is my mother and i should try 2 understand her and her ways but i cant...i thought my mom was honest with me...find out my dad was payin childsupport and she never once thought i needed any of that...my grandma raised me and took care of me...i think she felt bad that this happen that she felt this is her way of makin things right...the thought of her dealin with all this her whole life makes me hurt for her....even though my grandfather passed a year ago i still he feel he is tryin 2 still be a part of all this...was anyone ever going 2 tell me the truth or was i going 2 die without ever knowing...its a shame that my grandma had 2 pass away for me 2 find out the truth...my head is a mess and not sure how i want this 2 turn out but i am not walkin away from my dad he is so much like me and i love him and i am not letting him walk...as for my mom i avoid her calls right now i am still really upset i want 2 have a clear head when i talk with her and try 2 understand why she was so quite....maybe someday i will totally understand but i guess until then i am still lost on this world
now what
03.21.06 (3:35 pm) [edit]god does this get any better...i am fearing talkin with my mom lol...how i cant believe she would let her dad ruin us...my dad talked about livin in his car in the winter time outside my grandparents house how he never wanted me 2 stay with her....my mom made my life hell i dealt with 2 much shit when i was growing up her being a drunk her being a total bitch...never workings never caring 2 shitz about me...good how i would make myself believe i was someone else's kid lol..my head is a mess not sure why this is happen now..well i am not letting my mom push my dad away now...ugh i cant type anymore my kids r makin so much noise my head cant let things out lol...
feel alot better
03.21.06 (11:43 am) [edit]well today was the day i met my dad again its been 13yrs or more and we talked about alot of things that i did not know but had idea about....seems my mom's family pushed my dad out of my life seems my grandfather was doing rather nasty shit 2 our family and i guess he threaten my dad of prison and keepin him away from me...the things he told me totally made sense alot of things where comin together it was amazing 2 see him..haha i look alot like him we both have the same sense of humor and of course jim was with me and we all sat around talkin for 4 hours...and my dad told me today this is the beginning 2 our lives no one will stop us now he is now living up here and nothing will take him away from me now...i come 2 find out my mom came into some money that my dad had givin 2 her that would explain how my stepdad had gotten a new truck all of the sudden..what a bunch of shit...my mom is not a perfect lady and i have known this my entire life i just did not think she would hold that from me...but tomorrow i go and say my goodbyes 2 my grandma and see my family that i have not seen forever..i am scared...but i have jim and my dad now 2 help me through...
mix feelings
03.20.06 (7:26 am) [edit]last night i called home like i always do...jim said elaine your mom called..i thought no big deal then he is like your dad is tryin 2 reach u...i said haha my dad well she should know what he wants...he said elaine its your real dad not your stepdad...i just sat back in my chair and took a deep breath and asked him what he wanted he said elaine your grandma passed away...my stomach had this sick feelin not sure all the shit that was running threw my head at that time...i mean i have not seen my dad over 13yrs and my grandma i last saw her at the age of 16...so i totally broke down at work..i could not get it together for the live of me...my boss saw me and asked me 2 step into his office 2 talk...he was shocked in all i told him about how my dad is in town and my grandma and how long its been..he was so great and understanding and told me i needed 2 go home and deal with all this...how i can have couple of days off for all...so i called my mom on the way home 2 ask what all happen and she told me how he reached her and asked for my number how he wanted 2 tell me so i did not read about it in the paper...so i asked did he ask about me...she said yeah he did...i said it sounds as if i am not wanted around she said no thats not it...how do i talk with a man i have no idea about his blood runs through my veins and i have no idea what he is made of...this is totally out there my kids r confused about all this...and i can not ease there mind for i am lost...i keep havin these cryin spells not sure if its the death or the fact that my dad is near by or just everything...UGH!!!...part of me wants 2 just walk by and forget all this i mean i am 29 and i have my family and i am ok with my life...what will this do 2 me...will this help or totally bring me down..i fear him for i am afraid he will hurt me again...i feel 5 again and sitting on my bed and my dad tellin me he is leavin...maybe i need this 2 move on with that...i just feel like i have no control on my life now...i am a huge mess with this all..of course jim is here and tryin 2 help but one cant begin 2 help if they have no idea how this feels...i feel like i got this huge black pitt in my stomach...how do i look at my grandma and say goodbye when all along i wanted hello's....how do i look at a man that had no problem walkin away....one this is not the time nor place 2 have that feelin that is why i am so lost...what do i do...
comfort zone
03.17.06 (6:08 am) [edit]i am in that zone how fast we set in our ways and become into that zone...i get up each morning 2 have coffee with jim and watch the kids get ready for school..then spend time with jim before work...how i am just into him like he is my drug and i cant do anything without it...last night we made love and i had the feelin like it was the first all over again it was amazing 2 feel every inch of him..i just can not get enough of him and it amazes me how i am still on that amazing cloud...hey i am the first 2 admitt u have your ups and downs in a relationship and we have beat the hard ones and enjoyed the easy ones...we r suppose 2 be married next month but i feel we need more time which i am not going anywhere and neither is he...i just want 2 enjoy him more and more each day...but in the same sense i am in that comfort zone that so many of us fall into then they forget all the special and exract special things in your relationship...but i do not see that happen 2 jim and i...just when i think he is fallin into that he does something 2 show me i am still special in his eyes...today i watched him get dressed up god he is one sexy man...yummy lol...today i have 2 spend my day off without him he is going 2 be away for most of the day...damn i am a mess without him i miss him already lmfao...i thank god for letting us finally be together we r ment for each other that is a fact....its cute we finish each others thoughts and we see eye 2 eye on alot of things in life..that is so hard 2 find in people...i am one lucky girl 2 have such amazing man....comfort zone is not as bad as i thought
bullshit
03.12.06 (3:56 pm) [edit]yeah so i only worked half a day today which was totally nice lol...but yeah so i get home 2 find myself in a mood i guess i wanted 2 be by myself alittle i rarely get that anymore...but things where going ok until his kids called... let me say this no child should get away with being rude like his...his son is 9yrs old and talks 2 him like jim is his friend and not his father..that boy needs a good smack on the ass...as for his daughter she is 14 and thinks its ok 2 lie 2 her father cause mom told her 2... let me back things up a bit see there mother was havin problems there down in hick town and was cryin wolf and wanted everyone 2 feel for her...then when she was not getting the attention she ran back 2 hick town 2 stay with a bastard of a man for a husband 2 abuse them so more...well this stired up a big mess being that jim loves his kids and felt they should of never went back down there 2 get back into the mess well his ex thought it would be cute 2 run off and leave in the middle of the night and not let the kids call there dad...here is where i have a major problem she is 14 i know she knew what her mother was up 2...but they lied 2 there dad with no problems... so i told him 2 teach them a lesson and not answer when they call let them worry about him for a change..yeah that might sound mean but hey i am tired of all this bullshit they r starting and sending our way... so they call and he answer the phone and told them look i am done with all this bullshit and it will stop today..blah blah they will keep it up come now they walk all over him with no problems...but see this is where they will have a major problem i am DONE...i make sure they r takin care of when they r up here and i am DONE..no more will i dish out...why do i have a problem with it cause tonight my son was not feelin well and i wanted jim 2 help me get him warm and he walked out of the room...i am pissed off for i do and do and do and i get shit on.....everytime they call we usually have a fight cause he holds in a bunch of shit...god i hate the fact that i have 2 come on here and blow off steam...
alone time
03.01.06 (6:18 am) [edit]i really do not get alot of alone time anymore...i am not complaining i actually love it..knowning when i come home there is someone waiting 2 embrass me in his arms and telling me he missed me...i keep askin myself how i became so lucky 2 have such a wonderful guy in my life...how does one go through life with such heartache then have such a amazing man appear one would ask if this is the end... still havin trouble with his ex...i was so cool with her livin in kentucky where i did not have 2 deal with her...but jim and i talk each night in bed where no one is there 2 bug us and he tells me each night that he is here 2 stay and no one will distroy our love...years ago if someone would tell me that i would think he is talkin straight out of his ass...but when jim tells me this i know its forever...about 4 years ago jim and i became friends and i was interested in him then but we never took things further and we ask each other why we did not let it happen before...my answer 2 that is we both had 2 deal with shit in our lives and go through some tough shit in life 2 be able 2 stay ourselves free..make sense??...if jim and i did take things further years ago we both would be without each other...weird...but so true..i had 2 see hard times in my life 2 be able 2 be so free...i took time 2 read through my blog...damn i was a mess after my separtion i was with my ex for 10years of my life he was all i knew he was my life...we had a home kids all u needed in life all but love...i realized so early in my life that bill was not for me but thought u had 2 make it work..but realized years after all the abuse was not going 2 work and made him leave...then years after him was hell...the men i was seeing was so out there what the hell was i thinkin...but in my mind i had 2 go through this 2 have the love of my life now haha i am like a school girl now he is out right now doin some stuff and i miss him dearly and i am sad cause i will be at work when he returns lol...dont worry i will call him 2 let him know i love him lol...i am finally glad i can say i have a lovely family...
