how would u act??
08.20.05 (11:50 am) [edit]ok tonight is another preseason football game of the steelers....my man is so into football when it comes 2 the steelers...i mean i can sit and watch the game but i am not sure why u want 2 watch preseason ok maybe 2 see who has who and all that jazz...
ok let me be honest i did watch some of the games the steelers played last year...hmm did i understand all the calls and such helllll no lol..so i sit and listen 2 him talk about the plays my hunny that is and i am like ummmm yeah i see and hmmm ok...my kids tell him oh we r a huge fan of the steelers...haha...ok like there mom they watched a few games last year and um no they have no clue what is going on either...
my man's closet is full of steelers outfits and jersey's and all that...my house went 2 a women's home 2 football in a matter of seconds haha...how do i feel about this..its great i have no problem with the steeler flag hanging in the computer room or the pictures its actually cute if u ask me...i want him 2 feel like he is at home cause this is his home so if it takes steelers stuff all through it then so be it...
would u...would u let someone come into your home and let them respresent themselves and make it comfortable for them or would u stand your guard and say no way u will not put that stuff up...
haha i mean come on he is dealing with my curtains in the livingroom which he totally hates..i think it because fair game u know lol...eh tell me what u think...
blog
08.18.05 (12:05 pm) [edit]hmmm what blogs mean 2 me....its a place i go 2 excape the real world...what i am wondering is why people tend 2 take it further like bash others or have a group where others cant fit in...this makes me feel like grade school lol...pointing fingers and sayin omg dont talk with her or him for they r not cool...haha...so my blog is not cool..never plan on it 2 be..its about my life..ummm my title is lost in this world...how exciting could that be??...anywho i blog for me...not for u..or anyone else...i take my anger or my sadness out in here instead of takin it out on my love ones...
my question is though why do u blog...2 past time??..2 please other bloggers??2 get attention???or do u blog for yourself...
the best blogs r the ones where u get really get into someones shoes and for that minute u r them...not the ones that talk about nothing...i mean how many kids out there have questions but so afraid 2 ask for help..so they make up a blog and they put effort into and call out and how we tend 2 say oh they r a child what do they know...eh i am a mother of 3..if anyone needs someone 2 listen i am there....hmmm did i go mother figure there for a second lol...
anywho i guess i am sayin blog for u...stop doin this blog for attention...its crazy and the fights i see on this is totally nuts lol...holy shit...
anywho...blog on people!!!!!!!
more funny pics
08.16.05 (11:46 am) [edit]
holy shitz u would not need a watch dog if u got that lol...could u picture going into someones house with that lol..
poor guy...this is just like our parents dressing us in clothes we hate..look at his eyes lol...he is sayin wait until i get this off your ankles r mine lol
omg that is one tongue i would not want 2 mess with lol...
talkin about nothing
08.16.05 (11:37 am) [edit]so later in the day still feelin like floating away...i am just so beat...how do i go from workin 2 jobs a day 2 not able 2 get out of bed...
but lets just drop all that...why do we let ourselves get jealous over stupid shit really lol...i mean i know jim loves me no doubt but any girl that wants his attention gets 2 me right away lol..how does one share lol..haha guess my mom did not teach me well on that...
jim is a very good lookin guy and he gets hit on by other girls and as jim says oh hunny they r not...i get all mad and want 2 poke there eyes out lol...i mean if someone hits on me i say oh hun so what get over it...but when he tells me that i am like how can i....they need 2 keep there eyes 2 themselves lol...god i am pathethic...
he sits behind me on his computer yeah we both have a computer i know maybe we over do it at times...but eh he likes 2 download music i like 2 type on here or go on the net lookin for shit...but he sits there i wonder if he is wondering what i am doin lol...i know if i hear the keys over there going a mile a minute i am wondering who the hell he is talkin 2...ughhhhhhhhhh...being jealous is not good...oh shitz i lost thought...god i hate that...
what could be the problem??
08.16.05 (6:10 am) [edit]so my first day off from work...docs orders..the feeling of stepping out of my body is still here like i am floating above myself and the feeling in my stomach like i have not ate for about a week is still here..i wish they could of told me something at the hospital 2 ease my mind..but that would be 2 easy...for my life is far from easy....
blah the other night jim and i had a fight well maybe not a fight fight but enough where it was something i did not enjoy...it was over something so stupid...i love him so much its unreal...but in the same sense i am afraid 2 show him just how much...i guess when u have a life of dissapointment over and over u finally believe that is a way of life....he is amazing he bites his tongue and reminds me not 2 lash out on him for he is here forever....ugh forever a word i cant stand...i heard that from my dad the day he put me on my bed and said hunny i love u and i will always be here for u...forever..but see hunny mom and dad cant get along so i have 2 move out...WHAT!!!!...i child hears forever and then i must go...how confusing can that be for a child at the age of 5...so i tell jim about how this happen 2 me and it made me not believe in that word(forever)...
so i asked jim how do u let down your guard and trust in what others r tellin u...i asked him if this is makin him think i do not love him...he sighs and says i know u love me but it gets hard when u doubt my love for u...ugh how does one fix this problem???
the things i would love 2 show him the romatic side of me that i keep bottled up for i am afraid if i show it he will run lol...this is totally silly i am 29 i should not be afraid 2 express myself....but i am...i can stand infront of workers and customers and not have a problem of tellin u how it is...i can express myself 2 my children but when it comes 2 jim i am afraid...my other relationships i believe i was able 2 speak out...but i did not feel the love i do with jim...jim is my soulmate u know when u feel like u know him forever and everything just feels so right..or when u finish each others sentences that is how we r...we do not fight..might have words here and there because i am in a mood...but this feeling i get in my body this craming in my legs and arms and now in the stomach is hurting me so bad...when he touches me so slighty i want 2 scream out damn that hurts...i am not sure what i have but like i said they ruled out so much yesterday...the doctor said i am more normal then anyone else in there...could it be some muscle disease or bone disease...
what if...what if i wake 2 find myself not able 2 move...i fear that i am starting 2 have trouble getting out of bed...i wake with muscle spasm in my legs every night now i am getting them in my arms..like now this typin is hurting me my arms want 2 give out on me..what is WRONG!!!!
A mother of 3 kids ages 8,7,7...i cant be sick...i cant fall...who is going 2 be here for them...jim is just a finace he could not take them under his wing 2 raise them...god what if something really bad happens....i know wait 2 see what happens dont get ahead of myself...but u all know in the back of your head u would be doin the same thing for when u have children u want the best for them...there dad is not a person who could day in and day out be there for them he never could...my parents could but my mom is the age where she wants her freedom...i have step brothers and sister but they r not in our lives enough 2 even think about them...
i just hope its something little...but its effects on me now r scary...
oh what a wonderful trip i had today lol
08.15.05 (4:07 pm) [edit]well today i spent most of my day in a hospital...yep layin in one of those beds that feels like a piece of board....ugh i went into the hospital because i had chest pains with thinking i was going 2 puke all over the place and feelin like i was above myself lol..anywho i get hooked up 2 machines god my chest felt like i had someone big ass person sitting on it...blah..so they do there ekg and hook me up 2 there bloodpressure machine that reads it every 15mins...boy that was nice when that machine decided 2 break lmfao...holy shits i thought my arm was going 2 fall off when it starting 2 pump up and would not stop lmfao my finace had 2 run out and get someone 2 shut the damn thing off lol...then i had tons of blood work done and x-ray and a lovely ct scan when they inject this lovely medicine into your body holy shitz that burns..lady says ok u will taste something funny and it will burn then it will feel like u peed yourself wtf lmfao...its not bad enough u r layin there not feelin well so they think lets add all this lovely shit extra lmao...well it all comes down 2 the doctor walkin back in and sayin heres the deal i cant find anything wrong with u...i stare at this man like WHAT!!!!!...i know how i feel i had this happen 2 me 3 times...and when this hits me i cant talk i am so tired after and i am just not myself..anywho he is like u r so normal i have never seen such a normal lookin person...i mean he was checking everything kidneys,heart,liver everything...but then he is like here's the deal i do believe u and i think u r havin heart problems but we r not seen the whole picture...its like they need 2 see the attack when it hits..like right there...so he said for me 2 get an appointment with a cardio doctor....UGH!!!!!...i was happy with u r so damn normal...things race threw my mind being my family has heart problems...i am just so beat...whatever this is its beating the shit out of me slowly...so he gives me 2 days off from work...everyone is like wooohooo good for u...i wish i could enjoy it...but i sit here now and still feel not right..and its 10pm i was at the hospital at 11am...i came home and went 2 bed 2 wake feelin like i never slept...i guess it because i am white almost 30...omg i am getting old!!!!!!!
NOt again!!!
08.14.05 (5:40 am) [edit]ugh i had 2 say goodbye 2 my kids again for they r off with the grandparents on there weeks vacation...i just got them home last night they where gone for a week with there dad...ugh this sucks major ass..u know kids can be a total pain in the ass at times but i miss them like crazy...so i watch them drive off right away tears start 2 flow...my daugther is havin a rough time in her feelings i dont know she is going 2 be 8 and alot of emotions r starting 2 happen...she cries alot..i am not sure if this is normal or what...when i was her age i was force 2 be an adult and watch over my mother...but that it self is a whole different story...all i can do with my katelynn is talk with her and show her i am there for her but i feel so helpless i hate 2 see her cry...but what parent enjoys seein there child cry..god i hope no one lmfao...my boys r like eh mom we will see ya soon i know they r totally different from girls i know i know...i have twins boy and girl and then my oldest is a boy 2...god when they came home last night they seem soooooo different they got a nice tan and just seem like they grew up alittle more since they have been gone...ugh..school starts in 2 weeks...haha my finace is happy about that being he is not able 2 work for he fell 15 feet and hurt is back at work he is glad for school...which in a way i do not blame him he does alot for them...i get stressed out for i work 2 jobs and cant really spend 2 much time with the family but i have an amazing family...i get cranky and tired but when i sit and think about my love ones here it gets me up out of bed and face another day...
a womens prayer
08.13.05 (4:12 am) [edit]Lord, before I lay me down to sleep I pray for a man, who's not a creep; |
men r like
08.13.05 (4:10 am) [edit]Men are like bananas. |
sex joke
08.13.05 (4:00 am) [edit]Two older women are sitting on a bench waiting for a bus. |
just another day
08.13.05 (3:17 am) [edit]well the kidos come home tomorrow how i miss them so much...but just 2 see them for a few hours is going 2 kill me...ugh for they r leavin again 2 go with my parents on vacation...yeah my parents take them every year on a weeks vacation its nice they want 2 take my kids along...just i miss them right now they have been gone for a week with there dad...ugh u know how u would love 2 call each night 2 tell them u miss them but do not want 2 deal with the ex yeah thats why i have not called i heard last of them on monday....ugh i applied for the assistance manager job at my work...ughhhhhh they called me last night wanting me 2 come in today and work...i said no...ugh maybe i fucked that up also...but i work 2 jobs during the week 5 days both jobs i need my 2 days off...but like i told them if i get the job i will only work one job and be able 2 be there whenever they need me...i just hate the feelin i get when i tell them no...as for jim the smokin thing is getting better we r not fighting now lmfao....god i love that man...there is someone watching over me i know there is...for when i was down and out and on my last leg i asked for someone special and i recieved jim...have u ever been with someone and u felt like u known him forever..its only been 5 months but we have known each other for 3 years...but it feels like we have been together forever...its amazing 2 wake each morning and see him layin there so peaceful...i love his smile his touch...i love his personaly he is just altogether a amazing man...it might have took me 29 years 2 find him but i did...he is my soulmate...he gets nervous when i type in here he knows from before i use 2 type in this when something is on my mind and how i just need 2 let it out..instead of takin it out on someone else i choose 2 type..not everything in my blog is about sadness...i love this man with everything i have in me...and 2 see my kids happy with him i know i found someone right for our lives...i got 2 meet his kids this summer we had them for 5 weeks...it was different dealin with 5 kids lol...ages 13,8,8,7,7 haha his kids r 13,8...but i felt so comfortable with them like its ment 2 be...i have never dated anyone that i was introduce 2 there children so i thought i could not handle such a thing...but i fell in love with them the first time i saw them...his daughter by the time it was time 2 go home was callin me mom...at first it made me feel weird for i do not want 2 take her mothers spot...but i explain 2 there mother when they r in my home i will be a mother figure for them and watch over them...do i feel they r like my own children yes i do..there is nothing i would not do for them...i miss them..it was hard drivin them back and leavin and not comin home 2 screaming and seein there faces when i got home from work...this is hard on me not seein my kids for a week i cant think how this is for jim 2 not see them for almost a year...but yayyyy we get them for christmas this year i cant wait 2 see them...i hope this is going 2 help jim and get 2 see his kids more i talked with his ex and explained how its important for both parents involved in the childrens lives she moved them 2 kentucky and by her doin that she has 2 make more efforts in makin it possible for him 2 see them...she was being stubborn at first until she ment me and saw how happy her kids where when they got back 2 her arms...i just want everything 2 be right...as for my kids and there dad i try 2 get him more into there lives he chooses not 2 do so...he thinks getting them saturday night and bringing them home sunday is enough no phone calls during the week nothing...never attends meeting at the schools nothing...bill tells me u handle it...story of my life...but i always tell myself hang in there for the kids will see all in time...
zone out for bit
08.07.05 (6:24 am) [edit]the mood i am in right now is unbelievable i cant explain how i feel....i feel like i can just reach in and grab my heart and throw it 2 the ground....another bad day...i took something 2 easy my mind...this is a person who hates pills and all that shit but i need 2 take a step out of myself and take a break for i cant live another day feelin what i do right at this point....i want 2 be left alone 2 zone and go far away from my mind 2 just be free not 2 worry about nothing...haha i am sure this will get me 2 hell...i want 2 call work tell them i need personal days off...i dont want anyone around me...i feel like the world is against me once again...how i thought that had passed...what a fool i am....one would say reading my blog how my moods change...haha this would be the vics talkin now...yeah i took a few 2 zone like i told ya....when people force my back up against a wall i freak out....well the kids dad pushed me there today when he came for the kids....jim and his attitude with this i am not smokin shit mood and just everything else that is fucked up....god i forgot how these made me feel...so much hatered i feel....in a odd way it makes me feel good...eh
stressed!!!!
08.07.05 (3:56 am) [edit]oh boy this is going 2 be so hard these few days ahead...jim is tryin 2 stop smokin and attitude has set in already...how does one over look it and try 2 be helpful...i dont think i can or not sure how 2....he goes from this sweet loving guy 2 snappin in a blink of an eye...so i made it known he was doin it...that did not work so well...ugh...the kids leave for 2 weeks and i just have been introduce 2 hell...i am actually sick 2 my stomach 2 think this amazing man can be so short with me in a matter of seconds...yes i know smokin is a hard thing 2 give up and i know it comes with mood swings and all that jazz..i use 2 smoke 9 yrs ago...i guess when one is trutly ready its easy...ugh i just dont know what 2 do...i only typin in this thing now when i am not able 2 figure out how 2 handle something...i know i need 2 stick this out and hope for the best but holy hell...i feel like i have someone totally different in my home someone i did not fall into love with...does this scary me...yeah alittle...jim and i do not fight...since he has been smoke free its happening alot...i do not want 2 have that feelin of not wanting 2 come home from work...ugh what if that happens....i told him maybe he needs some help with this...like a patch or pills or something...or cut down on the cigs but what do i know..he said give him 5 days and that should help...i doubt it...how can his mood go away when he got the mood so damn fast....i think i just let out a monster....blah maybe someone reading this has an idea 2 make this better i am not sure what 2 do at this point...
how can one be higher then the other??
08.04.05 (2:12 pm) [edit]ugh...kids....lol...will they ever get it...understand why we ask for the things we ask...why is it so hard for kids 2 get it...yeah i know they r kids...but why must they sit day in and day out fighting us on the simples things in life...god remember when u where a child...how u would stay out of your parents hair and go outside and spend the day outside and play and cry when it was time 2 come in...or how u would go 2 your room and play with no problems...haha how i wish my kids would do that..instead its follow me around and have this look well we will leave u alone if u get me this....or the fights over the most stupid shit ever....but there is one things i just do not understand and i probably never will..my kids put there dad so high on there list of favorites...he is never there for them he gets his kids on saturday around 1 then brings them home sunday at 4...he never calls during the week and never takes them 2 any of this family things....yet the kids think he is amazing...here i am busting my ass for them day in and day out makin sure they have food in there stomaches and clothes on there backs and make sure they have nice things and teach them right from wrong and talk with them each day about life and how they r important in this world..yet i am the last person on this list...then there is jim...a man that came into our lives and excepted my children as his own...he is here for them and takes care of them and wants the best for them he also wants the children 2 follow the right path in life...yet he is at the bottom of the list...why...i am so lost on this subject and it hurts....sometimes i cant look at my kids because i cant believe how they would treat him like gold and shit on me in a second...is there something i can do...cause i am so running out of ideas on this matter....
