Lost in this world

so this days sucks more each minute

10.31.04 (12:25 pm)   [edit]

  ok so this day SUCKS!!!!!...cant do shit with this damn toe...ugh everything is not in its place and i cant walk on this damn foot...and i have a party at scotts school tomorrow grrrrrr...well least i had a pleasant weekend no calls..well maybe cause i declineded all of them...only thing i want 2 do now is wait for my kidos 2 come home and tell me how there weekend was...that is all that matters anymore is them...nothing else seems 2 matter now...

i realized there must be something so wrong with me really...i mean ok so the fuckers that fucked up my world r happy...i mean bill is with someone and i am sure the other assholes r with someone 2...and then there is me alone...i am in this mood i cant shake it...

for some reason my dad is on my mind...and its not the dad i speak of all the time..its my real dad..a man i knew of when i was lil...last time i saw him i think i was 12 or 13...i want 2 reach him and try 2 end alot of pain that has been inside of me for so long...the only things i remember of my father is drugs and drinking and abuse...even though he never hurt me pshyically he hurt me emotionaly....i use 2 call my father the hulk...i would watch him throw tv's frigs and stoves...amazing...yeah real amazing how he would scare the shit out of me age of 5 i had 2 grow up so damn fast...i had 2 be a friend 2 my mother more then a daughter...for some reason this is just on my mind more and more...i think if i reach out and talk with my dad maybe i will be able 2 get on with my life...my mother will not speak of my father it just puts her back in that lil home we lived in and i do not blame her for a second...being i am a single parent now i realize how much she had 2 give up 2 take care of me...my mother went through being a drunk and i had 2 be the one that would wipe her face and clean up after her...thats one thing i can say my kidos never have 2 see that side of me...but they do see the sad and depressed mother...how i try 2 hide that part of me from them....

my kids tell my parents how they wish i was happy...i explain 2 them they make me happy...i am so proud of them with school and how they r growing up and becoming there own selfs...they really have changed since we have split me and bill...at first it was terrible i was not sure the kids would ever be ok..but i think now they realize that it is much better...and bill and i have a friendship and always will for the fact that our kids mean something 2 us..

god i hate when i reach this low...it hurts...

today sucked

10.30.04 (3:20 pm)   [edit]

  


well today was something...i moved my computer and desk upstairs and moved my cabinet over where my desk was looks much better but i got hurt lol...cut my fukkin toe open and its turning black lol...its still bleeding i probably should go and get stitches...blah...so there goes my night out..oh wellz..i am 2 tired aways..

dan has called 2 times today i just let the phone ring...*sighs*...he knew i had alot of stuff i wanted 2 get done today....i could just go 2 sleep right now i am so damn tired....and still in this damn mood...my parents wanted me 2 go out with them again...i told no thank u...last time i did that shit i got myself a damn stalker...i hope my kids r havin fun...they r spending the weekend at there dads...

monday is the twins b-day so next weekend i am takin them shoppin..being that is probably the last week before i start back 2 my other job...well i am hungry for seafood so i think i will go and cook me up some...yummy!!!

how would u like that in your ass

10.29.04 (4:00 pm)   [edit]
now there u go..i would love 2 stick that needle up someone ass...hmm can u guess who lmfao...bend over james lmfao...oh bad mood bad mood

oh boy

10.29.04 (3:56 pm)   [edit]
now can u see me in that omg hellz no!!!!how could u be confortable walkin around in that..i would be afraid my tits would fall out lmfao...and i really dont care for those shoes lol

my mood

10.29.04 (3:47 pm)   [edit]

  

ok still in this mood..i am not sure if i want 2 scream or cry...maybe just laugh...but everything my kids r doin right now is bugging the shit out of me....i want 2 go 2 bed and cover my face with my blankets..god i hope i am not in this mood all weekend...and for the life of me i am not sure why i am in this mood..or why i cant shake it..my god i am so mad i have a headache lol...so hmm maybe a nice cup of green tea will fix my mood...its not good when i am in these moods i feel bad for my kids any lil noise bothers me...i have so much shit on my mind...i wish for once i could wake with nothing on my mind...worked really sucked tonight my lift 2 the truck did not work so it was load and keep jumpin up on the back of the truck..grrr...so i called my boss screaming at him...so dan called me while i was at work...he wanted 2 come down and talk...i guess he missed understood when i said i had enough...u know i hate being a bitch but i guess i have 2 be now...god that will probably turn his ass on lol...whew my stalker dale has not been around for 4 days... not sure if that is good or bad...last time he got really mad at me when i screamed on the phone and told him i am getting a pfa on him and that i want the calls and comin 2 my house 2 stop...his voice actually scared me...now that is 2 men in my town that just r nutz..wtf...i must have a sign on my back plz if u r a nutz or a wacko or likes 2 abuse chics plzzzzzzz come after me...*sighs*well i had enough of this blog for right now..

bad mood

10.29.04 (9:40 am)   [edit]

:evil:

ok i am in a BAD MOOD!!!!!...its raining and i have 2 work in this damn weather its storming out WTF!!...grrrr...one good thing came out of this my kids did the parade march for the school all dressed up in there halloween outfits there was some cute ones...so i seen the guy i went 2 school with he is a sixth grader teacher lol...amazing how he spotted me out and smiled and said hi...oh blahhhhhhhhhh...i had my ex standing beside me for i was laughing at him cause his ex girlfriend was walkin with the kids in this parade....haha she stared at him with smiles and all lmfao..and i sat and listen 2 him talk under his breath lol...u know u would think he would not lose his body smells around me now..i mean i stand there and what does he do *farts*....haha...how i do not miss that at all..MEN...oh bitch weekend for sure...bad mood...i want 2 kick something punch something...i will take it out at work...thank god no one works with me lmfao..well i need 2 go and work in the fukkin rain..my god this sucks azz...

the talk with dan

10.28.04 (4:47 pm)   [edit]

  
ok so i called dan and i told him we needed 2 talk...i explain that i have 3 kids and i didnt want another one...i know probably not the best way 2 say it...but i thought i had enough of tryin 2 be nice...i had 2 say what was on my mind...so i told him i did not like the grab me leg type and and hold on tight feeling...

Dan: Elaine i have not been in love for so long...*pause*...but i like this feeling...i am sorry i am being a nag...what can i do 2 change this...

Me: Dan listen...i told u from the beginning i was lookin for nothing...i explain how its my time and my time with my kidos...maybe something could of went further if u would of backed off when i asked so long ago...

Dan: i am sorry...can u give me another chance 2 prove u r important 2 me...

Me: as of right now no...when i see a man take the time 2 understand me and understand how i feel and when i need my space thats when i will give that man a chance...i am sorry dan but i must go..*hangs up*

i cant let myself fall for these easy fall inlove type of men...they seem 2 be wacko's...*sighs*

my lunch talk about nothing lol

10.28.04 (7:32 am)   [edit]

  so the kids got pumpkins last night something once again i missed out on..ugh...they r huge lol...today they get there customs today we get there customs from this lady that rents out customs but we get it free being she is a family friends of bills mom and bills mom helps her out around this time so its all good...then friday its the parade i like seeing all the kids smiles on there face 2 proud 2 walk around showin off there customs lol...

in scotts class they r doin something really big i see..we got invited on the 1st 2 come in class and have alittle party...i called and asked bill if he was coming of course he said not sure...i mean he is off sunday there is no reason why he cant...

well when i talked with him about this weekend stuff i told him we r going 2 keep it like this..one weekend i have them the next he does...he agreed that sounded good...lets see if he sicks 2 it...

now i am makin me some lunch mushroom rice lol....i love rice....

last night was fun my mom came over when the kidos went 2 bed and we bullshit for like 2 hours about nothing just talkin...my friend called me last night but i was enjoyin my conversations with my mom that i just declined the call...sometimes its not important who calls...and last night for the first time in a long time i was enjoyin my time with my mom...

but my friend has been really busy lately anywho..but he is tryin..i will call him tonight...when my mom finally went home i went 2 bed...i will see if he wants 2 hangout this weekend or something...whew get a break from dan..wow...he really started 2 be on my leg like a lil child...i hate the fact that i have 2 explain myself all the time..i mean if i say hey not tonight..then drop it...why do i have 2 sit and tell u why not tonight...it does not matter its not going 2 change lol....i am not sure if dan is a wacko yet or not..but my god if he is then i fear all men for now on...i mean this is not yahoo this is up the street man lol..

oh well i think i draw them from anywhere....lol..

now there is some food i could eat lmfao

10.27.04 (3:22 pm)   [edit]

who let the dogs out!!!!!!

10.27.04 (9:10 am)   [edit]

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/dogs.shtml" title="http://www.ebaumsworld.com/dogs.shtml" target="_blank"http://www.ebaumsworld.com/do...

if u want 2 laugh check that out lol...i am just lookin through some sites and ran across that lmfao...

eww halloween sucks!!

10.27.04 (8:41 am)   [edit]

 just realized something this weekend i will not get 2 spend time with my kidos for halloween...*sad*...friday here is trick or treat and i work so my mom is takin them around...then saturday they go with there dad and its trick or treat over there...just really sucks ass...then monday is the twins b-day so that following weekend is our weekend 2 go shoppin and spend the day doin whatever they like...

actually i am not a big fan of halloween and dan wants 2 go 2 this halloween party..*laughs*..i told him go and have fun lol...i do not dig men dressed up in jason's clothes and chain saws no thank u...

my poor kids...they wanted 2 go 2 a haunted house lmfao...i was like mommy does not do those sorry...my oldest called me a chicken lol..i said um yes mommy is a big   haha...it took me a year 2 get comfortable coming home knowing there was not going 2 be a man in the house...i fear darkness...but slowly i am finding ways of getting over that..so i am sure soon i will not fear it...but as for haunted house i will always be lol...i do not like people touching me and i had one hold me and that right there scared the shitz out of me lol...so piss on those houses lol....

oh and the stories u hear..this is the holiday where the dead r allowed 2 come out 2 play oh great lol...so the ghost that r already in my house get 2 have a body now lmfao....oh how wonderful lmfao...haha i just realized i will be alone on this day lmfao...hmm i better get my drunk on and pretend i see nothing lol...

morning and tired

10.27.04 (3:17 am)   [edit]

 ok its morning and i am tired lol...go figure...nap for sure today....for the first time in a long time i am not searching for anyone...i ask myself why...and for the life of me i am not sure...usually i am depressed about being alone...but for some reason i am ok with this...when i start back at my other job i will not have time 2 think of dating..its up at 5am go 2 work come home around 1 then off 2 work at 3 then home and shower and go 2 bed...

yesterday was nice...but i hate the fact that i have 2 keep tellin dan there is nothing going on but friendship...i mean he is funny,outgoing,cute as hell,another tom cruise look alike...but has a wonderful attitude...but i am just not feeling it...

i just cant wait 2 get back in the swing of things..nice 3 months vacation and i am so ready 2 head back....as long as i have saturday and sunday off i am good 2 go...well i could just sit here and spill out everything on my mind but i rather get some tea and get the little odds and ends finish around here...and for once its not laundry lol 

can u tell i am not sleepin

10.26.04 (6:46 pm)   [edit]
  
how i wish i could put that on my door lol...  i am tired and i cant sleep again wtf....and i am so damn cold i could be dreaming of this   boy would that be nice hot and sleepin lmfao...can u tell i am up and nothing 2 do..  did someone say laundry lmfao...oh god help me lol.. now i was tryin 2 find a thong pic and i got that wtf lol...  now aint that scary..if my stripper had a set of those teeth i would high tail it out of there lol..  or i could of asked dan 2 come down and play dress up lmfao...omg i am bad bad bad...    thats me for halloween...i cant believe that took a pic of me...how sweet lol

lunch date

10.26.04 (2:58 pm)   [edit]

8)

ok went out 2 lunch with dan before work...ok so i had a good time doesnt mean anything...lol...then he help me wash my truck looks good nice and shinny...ok so i got him wet lol...well um he asked for it lol...so before i knew it was wet...great another cold lol..oh wells its worth it i had fun...so we went 2 apple bees for lunch i had a chicken salad not bad...he wanted 2 come down after i got off work...i told him no...i like dan but as for anything else i am not ready...

:o

did i say that...for once i am not rushing into something...so today i get home and i got stupid pm's from people tellin me james is talkin shit...will it ever end serious..i have not been in the room forever...i went in and said hey and left...i could get pissed about this and do what nothing..i do not care who likes who or who is who...this is a computer i am not treating everyone as if this is nothing more but gossip chat...select few like i have said well kept up with my life..well not everything...seems some i really trusted gave in 2 drama 2....UGH...

but this does not matter...what matter is things over here r going great and i see more and more this computer is being ignore lol...and i can bet ya it will be more ignored very soon...

 

woohoo happy girl!!!

10.26.04 (3:42 am)   [edit]

:D

Yes yes yes...wooooo hooooooo...haha....nov15th i will be back at my other job yesssssssssssssss...i talked with my boss this morning and she is going 2 work with me about giving me saturdays and sundays off..wooooooo hooo...that gives me time 2 spend with the kidos..this every other weekend thing is workin out rather well i think..but anyways i am going back 2 work....goodbye mornings my day is going 2 be workin all day i cant wait...i have been waiting for this for a long time now...i have been off for 3 months and damn its going 2 be good 2 go back i actually miss some of the people that i worked with...awwww dammit that leaves me out of chat oh thats right i have not spent much time in there anyways...anywho..i am just so damn happy going back...she wanted me 2 work midnights but honest i need my time with my kids..between me and bill we both work alot..but shit 2 make it in this world u have 2...i am in such a good ass mood now..

well its going on 9am and i have alot of shit 2 do before work...like scrub the carpets upstairs yay lol...

oh and 2 all my laundry haters of my 4am lol...try it sometime it seems 2 go faster for some reason lol...

can i fit anything else in today

10.25.04 (10:15 am)   [edit]

:shock:

ok since i have been up since 4am i have done laundry...clean the carpets...now i am tryin 2 fix my kitchen sink..ugh...its like one thing after another round here anymore..tomorrow i spend the morning upstairs yay lol...i am takin this lovely computer and desk upstairs...i think i finally came with terms also on no matter how much i hate doin something its got 2 be done no matter what lol...actually i have come 2 terms with alot of shit...

people and there ways..its on them fuck it...why should i go out and try 2 help them..shit fuck up your life...

grrrrrrrrrr now i have 2 go shoppin and get something 2 unclog this damn kitchen sink..haha there goes my nap before work..its run 2 the bank then the store never ends i swear...

so i gave in lol

10.25.04 (8:28 am)   [edit]

:wink:

ok so i let dan come down for a movie...haha we never got 2 the movie we sat and talked about our lives and what we want in our lives go figure lol....i think he left around 1am and i went 2 bed for a few hours then got up at 4am 2 do laundry i know pathetic...but hey what u going 2 do....

well dan wants alot of the same things i want in life...but who doesnt....i mean someday we all want 2 settle down and be happy and be loved...but i think i became woken by this whole james thing...i just do not want any man i want the MAN....

i realized more and more when i really look into my furture i do not see myself with anyone...sad..but i think i was 2 realize this long ago...i always through my life was handed everything...i never had 2 work or anything...but today i work for everything i want..and i like this part of me...this i can do anything and i am doin everything for me and my kids...

its ashame it took another heart break for me 2 realize the important parts of life...but like i always say it happens for a reason...

sunday at home

10.24.04 (4:15 pm)   [edit]

:shock:

well got my shoppin done....spent 150.00 on food lol..spent 85.00 on household items lol...so have been busy around the house all  morning besides shoppin...kids been outside enjoyin the nice weather...when some neighbor kids come down and start shit...god it almost felt like pa 4 for a sec lmfao....anyways i sent the kids on there way and told my kids 2 stay in there yard and enjoy the day...

so i told dan he can come down tonight and watch a movie...explain that this is just a movie nothing more nothing less...explain 2 him a relationships never work in my eyes and i am not even tryin anymore...

katelynn picked out dinner tonight its tacos lol...it was nice 2 spend some more time with them..so i guess i am going 2 go and start dinner...

 

 

sunday so far lol

10.24.04 (10:32 am)   [edit]

:wink:

so its sunday...and what is in store for me today...ugh..grocery shoppin oh BOY!!..i so hate shoppin for food....oh then when i get home is scrub the carpets YAY!!! me lol...then finish laundry i swear that is all i do anymore...boy this just so exciting i cant wait 2 begin lol...

how would i like my sunday...i would love 2 spend my sunday curled up on the couch watchin a lifetime movie lmfao...and have a special someone out in the kitchen makin me dinner....

u know i laugh cause i could have this...i just not sure if i really deep down want this at this point...i mean dan is willing 2 be right here whenever i call out...its just after this with james it has me not up for really anything but just being myself and spending my time with my kids...

some say hey u r not getting any younger...well know i am 28 and i really do not feel that is a need 2 rush out and be with the next loser of this fucked up world...well ugh i cant put this off anymore i have 2 go and get this shoppin done..ughhhhhh

happy things went this way

10.23.04 (8:45 pm)   [edit]

:(

my son is still sick..he has been in bed all day...but its not bad i have been spending time with the twins...made some seafood and everyone was happy..scott had some soup...but poor lil man cant even hold that down...so i turned my phones off pretty much the day and just dealt with shit around here...i was going through my bills 2 write out checks and i came across the card i was going 2 send james for halloween haha i just sent it 2 my grandmother...least i know she will like it lol...u know with the james thing it bothered me that he was mad at me for shit...but now i do not give a flyin shit...i realize alot of people r followers and he happens 2 be one of them...its a shame other then that he was a good guy...but 2 good of a guy u know what i am sayin...it was basicaly a wake up call sayin hey girl if he is this good u know he is full of shit...i mean if he was that good he would of not followed the drama queens of the room...or kings lol...but actually it happen before i let myself go further...i guess its true things happen for a reason...not everything is pleasant but it all works out at the end!!!

up all night

10.23.04 (2:39 pm)   [edit]

:(

rough night for my oldest son...we where up all night dealing with him being sick...ugh worst feeling is seein your lil one sick and not much u can do but be there 2 hold him...i cancel all of our plans today i did not want scott 2 be left out of anything...

dan stopped down again..damn 3 times in 2 days lol...he is so funny he comes down and asked if the lil ones and courage wanted 2 go for a walk...he said maybe mommy wants sometime 2 herself...WHOA lol...i explain this is the only time i get with them....so u ask why on the computer lil stinkers feel asleep lol...like i said we where pretty much up all night...

well i am going 2 go and plan dinner...hmm wonder if i should set another plate tonight lmfao...

whats going on here lol

10.22.04 (8:09 pm)   [edit]

:D

so i get home 2 find dan sitting there on my steps lol..i laugh and said um what brings u down this way..he said i just thought since work all day maybe u like 2 order some food and bullshit..well i turned him down ugh had a bad day at work and i was alittle stressed...yeah so my dinner is a bag of popcorn lmfao..but i did tell him tomorrow we can order in...

nice 2 get back in touch with friends

10.22.04 (8:45 am)   [edit]

:shock:

yikes few nights and i am not getting much sleep...been bullshit with a few friends...well over due...so its like go 2 bed at 4am wake at 7:30am..well this morning friend woke me just 2 say hey..i was like my alarm does not go off until 7:30...he laughs and says well in 5minutes it will go off..i said yes and u took 10minutes from me lol...yay its friday i love the weekends...its sit back and relax...actually kids and i have some shit 2 do this weekend so busy busy...this weekend i am going 2 keep the kids...it seems i have been doin that every other weekend..its nice 2 spend time with them...i really do not get much time since they have school and i work evening's and then they have 2 go 2 bed for school..weekends they r with there dad...but its what i have 2 do for the time being...

haha so my damn dog gets out again...of course where does he run up the damn street...yeah while back i mention how my dog goes 2 this one particular house on the street..anywho...my dog goes up there and starts barking..haha..so dan comes out and says hey courage long time no see..i start laughing..i said hi dan and sorry for this..he laughs...he is like actually its funny..i look at him as if what is so funny..he is like i was thinkin about comin down 2 see if u where busy this weekend...i was like um...well actually i am..i said spending time with the kidos..so he asked if one night if it would be ok 2 come down for a movie lol..i said well its got 2 be disney since the kids will be here lol..

weird how u just do not see things until now...so i try 2 get courage 2 go home and i couldnt so dan helped me back home..haha what is my dog up 2 lol

GLAD I FOUND OUT!!!!!

10.21.04 (12:59 pm)   [edit]

:lol:

well i found out last night some very interesting shit...my best friend my friend i would call my sister called me a whore in the chat room last night...for some reason i was pissed at this..we have not spook in months for shit that happen...but come 2 find out that we had helpin hands in this matter...the shit i got mad at i would of gotten over in time...but we both had haha so called friends feeding us bunch of bullshit...she had someone she trusted tellin her shit i was sayin which i laugh cause it was all lies..omg lies on yahoo...never lmfao..and i had someone that was close 2 both of us feeding me shit...well we both realized that we let a chat room destroy our friendship and we put a stop 2 all this...

well it seems as this guy in the room as major issues with me...oh and by the way i do not have clap lmfao...chlamdyia and if u read which alot should it is a std which u can take medication for and get rid of it....so should i be upset that this infromation is out there FUCK NO...want 2 know why shit happens...i mean i trusted my boyfriend 2 be honest with me and well i found out he was not....

oh well since i am talkin about std....really u all need 2 do research on std cause um scabies is not a std lmfao...as of that once again and i repeat other boyfriend pasted that down 2 me which all knows who i am talkin about...but funny how i am the dirty one but he is ok...my god scabies is a parasite that gets in your skin where u can get this from anywhere...and once again its treated with cream and its over lmfao...

but do u think i need 2 react all this once again my fukkin god the chlamdyia was fukkin 8 months ago or longer the scabies was 4months...

what u do not think when i found that shit out i was not thinkin how u feel..omg i am diry omg i wanted 2 die right there but fuck this...i did not ask for it...i TRUSTED IN  MY MAN!!!!!...

so as another stab in the back they go and feed james all this shit and its rather funny cause instead of askin me about it he believes the shit..ok that is cool..but i laughed at this..i was talkin 2 my friend miss...yep my FRIEND!!..anywho she told me how james pmed her tellin her that the person that was in the room talkin shit on princess was me lmfao...FIRST OF ALL PRINCESS IS MY GIRL!!!!!!...i would never go in there and cut her down...SO THAT SHOWS ALL JAMES IS SO CAUGHT UP IN THIS SHIT IN THE ROOM!!!

but duckers not takin either side of this said something so god damn important as that is ITS CHAT DO NOT BELIEVE EVERYTHING UNTIL U ASK THAT PERSON...STOP GOING 2 EVERYONE AND SPREADIN SHIT AND TALK WITH THE PERSON!!!

but honest i think most dont even know the truth...so i sit and i laugh..i have talked with a few people and found out some interesting shit i am doin and sayin...damn i did not realize my life was so important 2 make me a topic lmfao...wooooo hoooooo i should write a book and become famous haha since u all r makin me look so wonderful now...

BUT REALIZE THIS...I WILL LAUGH AT THE END CAUSE ITS COMIN 2 A END VERY SOON!!!!!!

just me talkin lol

10.20.04 (8:44 am)   [edit]

:lol:

i just laugh anymore...people think they r getting me down...its more they r makin a total ass out of them...haha this is a computer...blockin them or walkin away is so easy lmfao...come 2 find out lot of the people dont even like these people that think they r um hmm hurting me or um getting me down...but like me i could stab back and say shit i know but why...haha...sorry that is grade school and i am so pass that stage in my life...talked 2 a really close friend last night about all this shit and we both just sat and laughed for hours cause we know at the end these people that think they r the shit now well look so damn stupid....

but anywho...done with the talk of these people...my life does not focus around them and there drama...cant wait until my other job starts back up workin 14hours again will be great...

well i got another raise at work wooooo hoooooo...its getting 2 the point i do not  need 2 work both jobs but i like 2 put in hours i mean my kids r in school and shit why not doin something *hint 2 some*...but anywho...jobs anymore around this area r dead..but actually in my area alot of things r opening up and shit so more jobs...so looks like in the near furture its going 2 be something..haha already have four lanes and shit god r they tryin 2 make this a mini something..i remember when shit was spaced out and now its like u cant breath lol...i live in this lil shit hole of a town..it has like 15bars and oh wow a largest shoe store lmfao...i know most would be in heaven lol...hospital and sheetz and some pizza shops lol...but the major city is only 5minutes from me which has everything..u know i talked about movin i think i will just stay in this area its not 2 bad...i mean everything is right here...

the thought i was going 2 move for a man...damn...its good that shit happen the way it does...ok ok so yeah things happen for a reason and i see all this...

oh yeah...some will see me not like how i was and that was open and trusting...as of all this shit has happen i trust no one...so u will have 2 keep reading my blog 2 get more drama on me 2 spread..this is the only way...*laughs*

 

cry

10.18.04 (1:57 am)   [edit]

:cry:

so i hear i got shit going around about me...u know...for someone like me so damn emotional do they have a clue how they could end up hurting someone or havin this person hurt themselves..no..no one ever thinks about someone else..its all about how they feel at the moment...

yeah i tried the kill myself route...all it got me was stomach pumped and locked in a room and fingers pointed at me tellin me i need to not give up and i need 2 focus...

how would u feel if u helped me in killin myself..bring more emotional shit into my life as if i do not have enough..could u walk around knowing u basically gave me the bullet 2 the gun..

right now i am emotional wreck...just another hand helpin me out of this lost world i walk everyday...

peanut butter cookies

10.17.04 (2:29 pm)   [edit]

:lol:

bettycocker....i just gave a cookie recipe in a chat room..so why not in here lmfao..

peanut butter cookies

1 egg,1/2 cup of oil,1/2cup peanut butter,1/2 cup white sugar,1/2cup brown sugar,21/2 cups of flour,1/2teaspoon baking powder,3/4teaspoon baking soda...

roll in ball and roll in sugar if u like...press with fork..put on greased cookies sheet bake 10-12mins

taaaaaaaaaaa daaaaaaaaaa peanut butter cookies lmfao

giggles like a lil kid

10.17.04 (1:02 pm)   [edit]

:D

got a message from my friend sayin he had a really nice time last night..giggles like a lil kid lmfao...sad alittle james is still in my thoughts...sighs....listening 2 alison krauss u say it best when u say nothing at all...good song...so i typed back and told my friend that i also had fun...still takin baby steps..i mean i am dealin with a friend someone i never want 2 lose...and i also realized today i cant trust in some friends...sad...causing me drama is not going 2 beat me down..psst..it makes me strong...

last night

10.17.04 (10:00 am)   [edit]

:D

ok so i meet up with my friend at the bar...and i was like um 2hours late lol...of course he had 2 make sure he told me about that lol...but soon as i was going 2 jump in the shower my power went out lmfao...so then it came back on and i got my shower and head down 2 the bar...it was actually fun...we sat and talked about all kinds of shit and laughed...but i could tell he was really tired being he worked all day...but he hung in there 2 make me happy i think lol..so he does not drink and i felt kinda bad since i need a drink...but he was cool with it he bought me a drink and a shot and we sat and bullshit...so he asked me out again..this time dinner or something physical...and no u sick minded people not SEX...i feel comfortable with him being we have been friends for years...alot 2 take in being he wants more...but i have come 2 think nothing wrong going out on a few dates...never know...but the night came 2 a end and we said goodbye...this is just weird...haha i will have 2 sleep on this one lol..

i feel like shitz

10.16.04 (3:15 pm)   [edit]

:?

so i am sick again...damn weather..i feel like shitz...and i want 2 do something tonight i have no kids and i am probably just sit at home...so my friend wants 2 hangout tonight...this is the guy i told u about u know the one that is like a brother 2 me..yeah he wants 2 go out..not a brother sister night...like a date..i am still not sure if i want anything...i mean i understand that i have 2 walk away from james..but dammit he had a part of my heart...ugh my head hurts i need 2 lay down or something..write later

no sleep

10.16.04 (3:10 am)   [edit]

:shock:

ok so its 3:30am and i am still up going on 3 days of no sleep...well james still has not spoken 2 me...so i walk...i realized if i want a man in my life i want someone who understands me and wants 2 be there for me no matter what..even though he promised that...i cant think that when something does not go his way he will just up and go for days...nah i do not need that...neither does my kids...james is a good guy and i really did like him and wanted more...but if u care about someone u would never want 2 see them hurt and well he is hurting me and not even thinkin twice about it...so another pain in my heart...

end

10.15.04 (8:33 am)   [edit]

:(

so its going 2 be a drunk weekend for me...i can smell it...its raining and i had no sleep and i have work...why do other people not take someone elses feeling 2 heart...ugh james said he would never hurt me..hahahaha stupid stupid girl u fell for it...what an ass u really r...oh great now i am talkin 2 my damn self..ugh..i could right now go and drive off a bridge...i hate feelin like this...dammit it hurts and i am tired of hurting so much anymore...i try and try 2 make my mind think of happy things..but the hurt is takin over my mind more and more...drink some snake bites and just go...

hurting

10.14.04 (11:57 pm)   [edit]

:(its 12am and i am still up..james should of got the card i sent..*cries*....so his line is busy...haha yep he is not talkin with me...guess i was stupid 2 believe i could really find someone this time around...guess i need 2 dust myself off...dammit i fukkin hate this shit...

so i go into the chat room cause i cant sleep my ex comes in the one that abused me and sends me message thinkin i will just sit and chat with this man wtf was he thinkin...

iceman15690: hey how hell u doing long time i just poped on this freaking thing for minute how u n kids
iceman15690: geez just wanted say hi to ya nothing wrong say hi u kids i told u i aint fighting just wanna be ur friend elaine honestly

get bent u asshole...ugh i need something 2 take this pain away...

mixed feelings

10.14.04 (9:09 pm)   [edit]

mixed feelings...yeah i am a fukkin mess..james is still not answering his phone..do i assume he does not want 2 talk with me anymore..or do i take it as if he wants time...ugh i hate this guessing game...i cant call my best friend and bitch..he has mixed feeling for me now..ugh what a fukkin mess...

my bigest problem is when someone gets close i push them away fast...its the fear of getting hurt...i try 2 act like this tough girl that does not get hurt or does not feel..but omg i am a mess i feel for james so much...i will keep tryin 2 reach him..ugh then i might be consider a stalker for callin all night lmfao...god dammit all 2 hell..

then out of the blue another friend of mine decides he likes me and wants me in his life with him and his son..serious i cant take this its a huge test...and i am not failing it i wont..i cant...i want 2 make this work with james...but how do i reach him...make him understand that i do not mean 2 push away..ugh forget it i had enough...i am so damn stressed now...

2:48 and up

10.14.04 (2:43 am)   [edit]
ok its 2:48am and i am up..yeah awake...i get a text message from a guy..scares the shit out of me...so um yeah pissed did not talk with james..we had a little fight the other night and well seems he is still pissed..this is the guy that tells me not 2 hold anything back yet he does not answer his phone...hmm..so now i am up and doin laundry oh what a life 2 live lol...

cause its all in my head

10.13.04 (1:39 pm)   [edit]

cause its all in my head..i think about it over and over again...i can't take it...i cant wait 2 see u....i reach out my arms 2 u...cause its in my head..i think about it over and over again...how i want u here with me holding me tight...cause its all in my head..i think about it over and over again...the meanless fights we have about how bad we want 2 be with each other is causin me pain...cause its all in my head..i think about it over and over again..i cant take it...i think about it over and over again...the words i love u..cause its in my head...i cant wait 2 see u and see that look in your eyes..cause its all in my head...i think about it over and over again...

*sighs*u ever want something so damn bad...how i want this love that is promised 2 me...i think about it over and over again....

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....i am so damn spazin....its like when u go christmas shoppin with your parents when u know there is no such thing as santa...OMG I STILL BELIEVE LOL..anywho and u get that present u always wanted but the downfall is u have 2 wait until christmas..thats basically how it is with james...i have something special and i have 2 wait and its killin me inside...everyday that goes on i want him more and more....

when not 2 wear a g-string

10.13.04 (12:54 pm)   [edit]
oh and i found out wearing a g-string 2 lift over 150 pounds is not a very good idea...middle of work i had 2 take them off...wtf..makes note never again...simple panties 2 work for now on lol

trust do u know the meaning of that

10.13.04 (11:59 am)   [edit]
ok i sit here all sweaty nice workout....i needed 2 workout today i am starting 2 stress again..it seems everytime i start feelin good someone has 2 try 2 fuck with it...i am upset i trusted in someone i thought was  a friend only 2 have them backstab me in the back...funny how it goes by someone sayin i talked shit on them..nah i am not 2 face...its like this...i am not afraid 2 speak the truth if the truth hurts u i am sorry...and yes i have enough info 2 talk...anyways no one is perfect and i am far from perfect...but as this person who i share alot with about myself i wonder how much of my life is spread around...haha by the looks of it probably everything...well my friend u lost that trust that is for sure...if it makes u feel better by going about sharin what i talk with u then spread on...as i said i do not talk shit i talk facts...and its not 2 hurt the person its 2 wake this person THE FUCK UP!!!!!!....yeah wake up...i been there where u r right now its not fun at all...and the way u r heading is not good...so if it takes me talkin about this 2 others 2 wake u up then so be it...believe it or not i am friends with everyone..and if i have 2 be a bitch for u 2 see it then thats how its done...cause um if i recall i tried 2 talk with u about shit but u never want 2 face it...so hate me..love me its all good...

edible panties

10.12.04 (11:29 am)   [edit]

another question for both female and males....

would u eat edible panties off your  partner during sex...and if yes what flavor would u prefer

i like the cherry ones myself lmfao

question for the men out there

10.12.04 (10:45 am)   [edit]

this is a question for the men...

would u let your girl use a sex toy or finger during sex in your ass...

my opinion on this matter is whatever is done 2 me in pleasurement i would like 2 share my pleasure with someone else...how do u men feel about this...

YESTERDAY!!!

10.12.04 (8:16 am)   [edit]

:lol:Yesterday lmfao...

woohoo it was shoppin day yesterday...well i am sure from reading my blog everyone knows i have been tryin 2 spend time with my family..so i took mom shoppin with me...haha priceless wish i had a camera haha...we decide 2 see what this TJ-max is all about they just built one in our town...hmm aint 2 bad i got some really nice clothes for the kids...haha they got a good selection of panties that made me smile lmfao...its funny i was lookin for kids clothes and my mom decided she need a new bra lol...well um ok i will be over in a sec...i told her i need some new panties anyways...so i go on lookin for a pair of pants for ryan...haha when i got back she had these granny panties in her hands i said oh r u buyin panties she is like no these for u lmfao...haha omg...i am like would u like 2 see what i wear lmfao...i then showed her g-strings and thongs..haha if u could see her priceless face omg i almost pissed myself right there laughing and well before i knew it she was all into tryin 2 find me a sexy pair panties..i then started sayin hmmm wonder what james would think about these lmfao...she got all red in the face then said i am sure he would like them lmfao...oh my mom was just tryin 2 let the day stay on a fun time and i love it lmfao...

SO WHAT DO U PREFER!!!!!!

1. G-STRINGS


2. THONGS


3. NO PANTIES


4. GRANNY

 

what would piss u off

10.11.04 (8:50 am)   [edit]

so what would piss u off more???

1. he tells he is tired and before u know it u see him online.....


2. he wakes u in the middle of the night just 2 say hey...


3. he tells u he loves u then says lets be friends


4. he makes breakfast and makes u nothing lol..


5. he talks no stop about how he looks and forgets 2 tell u look nice also...


6. he goes 2 the bar and buys the girl next 2 him a drink and forgets u..


7. he forgets 2 call


8. he forgets your b-day


9. he forgets the time 2 pick u up for your date


10. most of all he forgets why he fell inlove

10 things 2 make u happy

1. that i love u in the morning from your special one


2. that first cup of coffee


3. that shower


4. that mom i want this...but um love u mom


5. that morning sex...then shower sex then haha


6. that great day at work...(means someone else does it and u sit and watch)


7. that day where u spend a nice day with your love ones


8. that night u lay on the sofa cuddling


9. that dinner u did not have 2 make


10. that love u just never forget

what the hellz am i talkin about

10.11.04 (8:34 am)   [edit]

i want u 2 want me...i need u 2 need me...i love u 2 love me...i want u 2 want me...i need u 2 need me...i love u 2 love me...

i want...2 smile.....2 laugh...2 feel loved...2 have sex over and over lol...and more sex...haha ok ok so i am alittle horny...lol...most of all i want a man...and hunny that is u

i need...razors....toilet paper....tampons...lotion...haha oh oh that is my list of things 2 buy lol...really in life i do not need anything...i have pretty much all i want...if i do not have it yet i will soon have it all...

i love u...kids..family...and falling head over heels in love with james...

comes back 2 i want....i want nothing more then a family

i need...coffee..what the hellz am i typin about anyways lol

i love u....i think that says enough dont u....

 

how do u tell a friend

10.10.04 (5:47 pm)   [edit]

friends...well i have all types of friends...men and females...short,tall,skinny,fat,pre tty,ugly,...all kinds..does not matter what a friend looks like...friends have your back at all times and understands your moods and everything about u...

but what happens when i friend decides they want more...i have this friend that i think he is like my brother..he is tellin me things today that makes me think he wants more...i got this weird feeling when he came for a visit one day...how do u keep the friendship...i cant ruin that..i enjoy being his friend...so i explain 2 him that what he is feelin is not anything...he tells me i need 2 be honest with myself...honest with myself...i am totally into james head over heels about this man...i just get a message from my friend tellin me 2 take a few days and we will do dinner...this is 2 much 2 take in....

so james gets online and really does not say shit 2 me....i do not like talkin with him online he seems so cold with me on here....i mean does he realize he needs 2 show me some kind of something on here and stuff...i mean i care a great deal for him...but others r knockin harder on my door tryin 2 come in and i keep it shut for i care about james...but when its just one person holding that door closed it becomes easy 2 open...i fear..dammit james help me

fear of the darkness

10.10.04 (1:38 pm)   [edit]

scared!!...i was talkin with james last night and i had 2 hang up fast i heard this loud noise downstairs...i am scared not wanting 2 go downstairs but realize i need a back bone for i am the parent of the house and i have 2 protect my family...so i start down the stairs makin sure i do not make a sound i know where 2 step 2 not make a sound...i get 2 the bottom of the steps and i hear this noise like someone is talkin not sure in what or who it is...so now i am sick 2 my stomach fearing i have no weapon does he...i enter the living room its so dark just little bit of the street light is coming threw the blinds...i still smell the candle that was burning before i went 2 bed..i walked threw the next room where my computer is and i left it on so there is alittle bit of light reflecting off the computer...i still here this noise where is it coming from and who is it...so i head 2 the kitchen fearing if i am going 2 see what it is...as i enter the kitchen the floor is cold it makes a chill run up my spine..i almost can see my breath from how cold the house is...i still hear these noises the bathroom is off the kitchen so i swing open the door in fear i will finally face the person...all that is there is the washer and dryer...so i grab a knife in hopes this will help in my dying need...there is a set of back stairs leading back upstairs...omg what if they went up there and hurt my children this is in my back of my head...so slowly i walk up the steps tryin 2 avoid the noises the steps makes...i enter the spare room...god there is so many hidding places in this room closets and attic and other room off of this...i find myself looking for someone or something it seems hours and hours of searching...i am sweating its rolling off my face its fear it set in overdrive...i decide i will check the children 2 make sure they r ok i rush into there rooms...sleepin peaceful...i sigh in..and thank god for they r ok...i check the other bedrooms and there is nothing i hear the noise again its downstairs but i was just down there nothing what is this...who is doin this...this time i rush down the stairs screaming come out and show yourself i had enough of mind games show yourself dammit come out...i hear the noise its coming from the play room...i push open the pocket door and i see nothing but i see this robot on the floor sayin die die die...yeah i toy...this is my noise i could not find..seems the cat went in the room and knocked it down and it started sayin stuff...i did not know if i should laugh or cry....i just went upstairs and prayed thank god for i was scared and not sure how i was going 2 handle that fear of my life....as for james i think he fell asleep on the phone with me anyways lmfao..he was tired and he called me last night but still...he is such a sweetie

spending more time with the kids

10.09.04 (5:53 pm)   [edit]
:Dok well kids helped with cleaning and cooking today it was rather fun lol..we had pasta with a nice salad and garlic bread...dessert we made smoothies...yogurt with orange juice and strawberries and rasberries and bannanas...it was tasty lol...its fun 2 do some lil activities with the kidos..tomorrow they go with there dad but i am thinkin about just keepin them tomorrow...next weekend they r spending the hole weekend with him...we where outside collecting leafs for there bags 2 make pumpkins and ghosts lol...my yard looks rather interesting...not sure if it looks like halloween or someone just threw bunch of shit in my yard lmfao...i am takin them shoppin tomorrow its been a really nice weekend with them..i have been spending alot of time with them...this week was easy at work so my moods have been rather pleasant plus havin a special someone bringing out this side of me is the best part of it all..yes i am finally back...oh wells there is still some day light left i am going outside with the kids...

do i have 2 put a tat on your head 2 tell u 2 go

10.09.04 (2:05 pm)   [edit]

well its saturday and i am still in this WONDERFUL MOOD!!...even though i got a phone call at 2:30am from the drunk...i explain if he does not stop i will get a pfa on him and i told him he means nothing 2 me...

Bars....see i went out with the parents one weekend had a blast dancing and just being me and enjoyin the place...when this guy walked in and had the looks and the dance moves...but i saw right through these looks and knew he was not for me...but my cousin thought he could make a match in heaven...

hell...thats where i think i am when this guy calls and when i answer its when i am sleepin and the phone rings in the middle of the night and u just answer it...well he started threatening me...tellin me if i have a man he will beat his ass and all this shit...i told him this had 2 stop and i had enough...but deep down i am thinkin is he tellin me the truth will he hurt me or my love ones...

someday....this will be over and i will be happy...which really i am so damn happy..ever since james came into my life i am back in touch with myself and my family and its a wonderful feelin...

so 2 all those men and women out there tryin 2 ruin others lives get over it..MOVE THE FUCK ON!!!!!...and 2 the ones that have these people in there lives stand tall and make it known they cant hurt u...so sick of these types of people...i scream out I HAD ENOUGH!!!!!...

happy girl

10.08.04 (8:31 pm)   [edit]

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;    HAPPY GIRL!!!!!!!!!

i loved comin home in a great mood...then getting the mail and seeing a card from james...damn this is sweet...he makes me smile...i cant wait until the day i have him all 2 myself...u mean so much 2 me james...oh he got me listening 2 country again...haha how i am in a great mood....i love this....smiling ear 2 ear ...woooo hoooooo this girl cant be any happier then what james has me....

Little about me

10.08.04 (12:16 pm)   [edit]

well let me tell u alittle about me....i am a single parent of 3 kids...did the marry thing it did not work...so i am raising my children on my own...i am 28 and feel so damn old lol...i work 2 jobs..sucky jobs..dunkin donuts heading into manager if i want it....and i work for the post office...it gets the bills paid and supports me and my children...

i have friends and outsiders reading my blog everyday and they tell me i am this strong women and i have a head on my shoulders...my responds 2 this is..there is no other way of doin this...as a single parent u have 2 be strong..u cant be this fragile thing...and u cant be this person so out of control u have 2 be focus and understand what u have 2 do 2 get it done

i was told i am good person...i am this way cause of my grandmother she showed me how 2 be a strong women and respect others if u want that respect back..

i am a type of person that i do not have 2 know u...if u have a problem and need 2 talk i would be there for u at anytime 2 see what i can do...i have always been this way...never really understood why i never took this further in my life....the guidance teacher spoke with me last night about my son and said u pretty much cover what i would be lookin into lol...

i was told i am easy 2 fall inlove with...i am me nothing more nothing less...my focus is 2 be happy and have my kids happy

my dreams....i dream one day 2 wake next 2 this wonderful man that makes me smile and laugh and has me on cloud nine everyday...and see me smiling and the smiles on my kidos faces again...

that dream is coming true...in TIME

when i think of me i think of a person that has been down and out so many times that keeps her head up out of the water..fears one mistake she will drown...as rough as it gets i just stand taller no one will bring this girl down...i found where i am strong...and now i am 100% stronger and ready for what life has 2 offer...

no more sitting back and wondering...i am going for it...i am going 2 be happy....

spending the day with the kidos

10.07.04 (8:23 pm)   [edit]

well tonight was great...we went 2 the open house and it was nice 2 see the smiles on the kids faces...bill called work and asked if he could come in 4 hours late they where cool with it..so the kids where with there dad for awhile and then he brought them 2 the school..it was nice...

ryan is going 2 seek help...i talked it over with the guidance teacher and i thinks its for the best...i really hope this works..

scott i am so proud of him he is showin improvements alot this year..way 2 go scott...

katelynn is doin so well in class and talkin more this year and everyone is proud of her...my kids have this shyness 2 them but i see over years its breakin...thank god...

so tomorrow its kids and moms day in the kitchen we r going 2 make breakfast and lunch and dinner together this should be a blast i cant wait...my daughter is getting closer 2 me which i love so much...

well speakin of the kids they r off tomorrow so its movie time and pj party and katelynn is doin my make up lmfao...

 

remember when

10.07.04 (8:14 am)   [edit]

remember when....u where falling in love the first time....

remember when....u knew this is all u wanted in life was 2 be with this person forever...

remember when....u where ask 2 marry

remember when...u said your vowels

remember when..u where bless with your first child

remember when...u first bought your first home

remember when...u first fights as a married couple

remember when...u baby took his or her first steps

remember when...u burn the dinner

remember when...u cried cause u burn dinner and he sat and laughed

remember when....u became a mother and wife and wanted nothing more

remember when...the day came 2 a end

 

day off

10.07.04 (7:55 am)   [edit]

woooooohoooooo i am off today i took a personal day...its my kidos open house and i was afraid of not getting back in time so i took a day...so my plans for the day...hmmm...um i think i will sleep...then sleep some more...and maybe get some more sleep lmfao...oh and tomorrow i get 2 sleep in cause the kidos have no school....then come monday i have no work oh this is a lil piece of heaven lol...

i decided not 2 go 2 lunch with the kids and there dad i cant handle makin ryan feel like there might be more...it is so tough 2 see your son hurting and there is nothing u can do...i know in time he will see it was for the best...but its been way over 2 years now and he is still hurting...maybe he needs his dad more then me...

do i ask ryan if he wants 2 live with his dad???...omg that would crush me instant...but what if that is the problem...god bill could not raise him bill works and his parents work no one is there for him...i cant give in no i cant...that is something i will not allow...

they have these wrap arounds its like adult that comes and spends time with your kids in school at home...i am wondering if ryan needs this..u know someone just focusing on him at all times..i cant just focus on ryan i have 2 other children who needs my attention also...

i am fallin in my emotions so hard i understand its life and things r much worst but its ok i am sure i will find a way 2 help ryan and myself...caring for kids and everything is a very stressful job...i maybe bitch and scream and cry about it but i love it deep down i would never have it any other way...well its time for school so i will write laterz

remember when

10.06.04 (8:30 pm)   [edit]

so on the way home from work this song from alan jackson came on remember when...i thought it was something 2 really listen 2..so i came home and downloaded it...

my cell starts ringing i am hopin its james...turns out 2 be bill and i start cryin 2 him...i tell him about ryan...i failed as a mom my son is hurting so damn bad cause of bill and i not together...bill trys 2 reach out 2 me and tell me its ok..we did not fail as parents..and that we r doin our best in what we do for them...this song has me remembering how bill and i use 2 be...its nutz how stupid songs brings back memories and pain and tears all kinds of emotions...

so i let bill reach out 2 me...he hears the song in background says nice song...so he asked me 2 do lunch with them tomorrow...i said yes...i explain 2 my kids it does not mean anything...i see the hurt in there eyes...GOD HELP ME!!!!!!

i never felt this much hurt in my heart as i do tonight....i guess i need a good cry...i just want 2 do right for my kids...they mean so much 2 me..do they know what i do for them...i should let bill fall as a parent but its my job 2 keep a smile on my kids face so i will keep carryin bill and make him good in there eyes as well...i love u kidos...

time

10.06.04 (7:44 pm)   [edit]

well finally i found time 2 get over 2 my grandparents house its been awhile...i hate that it should not be like that but..nah there is no excuse i just do not feel up 2 wanting 2 visit anyone...but i went over and found out that my grandfather is in the hospital i guess his illness has gotten worst he cant even stand anymore...so i am visiting with my grandmother and the phone rings and its the hospital...they said she is not able 2 take care of him the way he needs so they think its best if he is put into a home...

it was the sadest thing 2 watch as tears rolled down my grandmothers face...i cant even begin 2 think how that would feel..i mean 50 years of being married and someone tells its over u need 2 put him in a home...

my grandmother is my idle she is the best women that walked this earth...she is strong and loving and cares about everyone and everything...i wish i could hold her forever...i hope some day i can be inlove with someone for that many years...

so i get home from work 2 find a note in my sons folder seems the teacher things he should work with the guidance counselor i am not sure about all of this...i mean i heard of things getting planned in kids heads and then u end up losin your child...eh i need more time 2 think about all this...ryan swears up and down he is not doin anything wrong in school...i wish i knew what 2 do..tomorrow is open house i will aproach the teacher then if a sec 2 see why she feels that...

so about tomorrow bill of course cant be there he is going 2 be work so i told him that the kids get out early why not take the kids 2 lunch...he then says i have 20 bucks and that is going into my tank...so then i am like fine i will give u money so my kids can have a good day...its a shame the littlest things he cant do...

halloween leave me out plz lol

10.06.04 (7:49 am)   [edit]
ok so it is freezing this morning and this sucks...38 outside and its just starting 2 get cold this is nutz...i hate this month..halloween i hate it...i hate seeing scary shit and all those fucked up movies lmfao...james asked me 2 go 2 this haunted thing with him and these kids he takes every year....i said 2 him r u nutz...i will wait in the car he starts laughing he is like oh so u will sit in a parking lot pinch blackness and wait huh...oh hellz no i will not lol...so um yeah that leaves me out of that...he lives like in a place where there is not anyone close by what i am use 2....i told him that does not make me feel comfortable..i am a town girl..um use 2 street lights and house next door....ugh he lives near woods and all the creepy shit...ok so something is bothering me he lost his wife and then his son..and i guess what flips me out is he still sees them from time 2 time...um i believe in that cause my grandma came back 2 me...but i fear james wife will hurt me in some way...i know i am silly but they where together since elementary school they only knew each other now he is bringing some new girl into his or should i say there home..not comfortable at all...i mean i know i am thinkin nutz but we where talkin about ghost one night on the phone and he was tellin me how he sees them and then bam his light blew out...then we talked about again and he lost power...so um yeah..freaky...i really enjoy james alot and i do not want this 2 come inbetween us but this really really freaks me out...i told him i could never live there and he said he totally understands oh this is nutz i need not 2 focus on this shit well its time 2 take the kids 2 school

its my blog dammit

10.05.04 (12:45 pm)   [edit]

why cant my blog be read without assuming its all about u....and when i say u its does not mean u zuz...everyone seems 2 think my blog reflects around them..how i word things how i share what is bothering me...its my blog...if u cant take what i write then dont read it...my other night was about climates and the room and how i felt in there..i was NOT pointing fingers...u know i hate this..i hate the fact that i have 2 come in my fukkin blog and try 2 make people see..this is bullshit this is the last time i am doin this...if u think my blog is about u and it upsets u then i am sorry this is the last time for this though..no more..what i type in here from here on is my biz...

i could stop letting u into my blog i could shut everyone out and do my thing...ever since i started this its made me feel better...so um yeah get pissed cause i found a way of handling my stress...i never come into your blogs and judge u the way i have people in here starting shit...

i do not believe in that...WHY..cause its your feelings..its how u feel...so um yeah if u r a friend like u say u r..then let me express myself and get this anger out...cause in my book friends help friends..

i am tired of this kinda of stuff..day in and day out it gets rather tiresome so if thats how u want 2 keep chat up by hurting others and back stabbing and letting assholes rule the room then its cool...some of u can sit back and wonder what ever happen 2 some of the people who use 2 come in there..yeah i have talked with some of them and u know what they have 2 say about the room its gone down big...its not WORTH the time 2 log on...

julie aka princess....she saw climates for who he is...and she called on him on it..the night he was playin mind games with me...see 2 me that is havin my back and being a friend...she did not want me getting fucked with all over again..and i am sure most of u read what kind of mind games he plays...

but do not tell me 2 come in and the room and sit by and watch him type away and everything ok..its not ok in my book...i could iggy him but i will still see people talkin with him...do u not see he is not worth my time...get it now!!!...why cant u people see how bad this guy makes me feel...

i hate this and i am done...u have me being something i do not want 2 be and that is a total bitch..this is what happens when i get pushed up against a wall..u have me fighting against my feelings and the room...but the outcome is my feelings come first...someday i hope u all see this...

 

build one wall..watch the others fall

10.05.04 (8:48 am)   [edit]

god how things seem 2 fall out of place so fast and so easy...its like i build one wall and before i know it the other falls down..*god dammit where the hellz is my super glue dammit*...i talked with james last night seems he lost power and being he only has cordless phones well u know how that goes..thank heavens i did not want him mad at me..thats my problem i never want anyone upset with me..well the important people in my life that is..but i come 2 figure this out u cant be happy 24/7 u can pretend but that gets old fast...haha we where talkin about our first family meet where he meets the family we where talkin about thanksgiving..well that day i will not see much of him lol...my family would be playing 50million questions with him of course..its a big deal i have not let everyone in my family meet anyone not even tony and he lived in my home for 5 months...bill is the only one of course that knew the whole family...so james laughs and says this should be fun...i could see him doin so well with this..he is like do i tell them i love u..i said omg NO!!!!...he said can i tell them i want 2 marry u someday...i said r u lookin 2 get throw out like that dude on the fresh princes lmfao..god he is cute in so many ways lol...he brings smiles 2 face when i need them the most...like last night i was so just ready 2 explode cause of climates he makes me want 2 puke everytime he enters that room...jesus...my if jesus is like him i will never believe in god or anything dealing with him...take a name like jesus and put it on a drunk yay we r cool...anywho...hopefully in the next few months i will just vanish...this net shit is just 2 much the drama and the back stabbing is getting so bad lately its rather sick...but hey its the internet u cant expect everyone 2 be at there best...haha...some do not even come close..i have some dear friends on here that make it known and its cool...the others eh i dont really give a flyin leap...i just had 2 go back 2 the school my oldest forgot his glasses...he is such a cutie...i really love my kidos they r the best each in there own ways...ryan is tryin so hard in school with everything that is happen i think he should be awarded in some way of course he has 2 show me more....katelynn is doin so well in school i am so proud of my lil girl...theres my lil man scott he is growin up so fast before my eyes...i remember all those night he would come in my room with bad dreams and lay in bed with me and tell me all kinds of things...god how fast that goes by...katelynn and ryan being twins seem 2 be with each other more then wanting mom or dad...it kind sucks but that is something i will never understand...the bond between them is unbelievable....katelynn acts like a mom 2 ryan and makes sure he is doin his best..ryan needs everyone 2 watch over him at this time of his life..i hope things work out for him he deserves the best like the rest of my kidos...

guess i come in last

10.04.04 (8:49 pm)   [edit]
ok i am upset for the fact that everyone treats climates as if he is really fukkin jesus...WTF...do u forget the shit he has done 2 me and my kids...i could never talk with a man that was like that 2 one of my friends...i am glad he has me on ignore..hopefully in time he will totally forget me...i am just upset that some of u r ok with the fact he is a total asshole and u make him think he is so wanted...he will never learn how 2 treat someone with respect with everyone on his side...he needs 2 be shown what a asshole he really is...i guess its who over powers who...sits back and wonders if it was the other way around..if i was doin what he did..and did what he did..would i still be wanted in that room...i can bet i would be getting booted for sure..eh fuck it...if that is what u want in the room then so be it...i do not need 2 be in there i will chat at nights in ohio..during the day before work i will come in...no biggie....i dont know it pisses me off for the fact i have been in that room longer and talked with u all about so much..eh fuck it

wonder!!!

10.04.04 (8:21 am)   [edit]
wonder why we put ourselves through the shit we do...i mean why fall inlove or do the shit we do...it leads 2 pain and hurting...someone told me once that they would never hurt me...boy that was a lie...so this time around i hear this again...so i step back and take a deep breath what if this is true..what if this time around...so today i get breakfast something i do not do but i did not get sleep last night..i was tellin james about stuff that was bothering me that is on my mind everday of my life...i am not sure james gets it or just being nice..i guess both ways is good...well something happen 2 his phone and it died or did he hang up on me..i sit in confusion today not sure in what happen..maybe he thinks i hung up on him..ugh cordless phones and damn cell phones..oh let me tell u about saturday night..it was late and i was sleepin my cell goes off i am tired i cant read the number so i answer it..its the drunk stalker ....he goes off tellin me he is in jail and needs 200.00 dollars..lmfao...i was like sounds like u have a problem..this guy is so out there how u going 2 call up a chic that cant stand u for money 2 bail u out...he starts screaming about how he has done all for me,....wtf he has done nothing but gave me a fukkin headache...this guy has lost his mind or things i am someone else..this is starting 2 freak me out..oh and i found out he is band from the club my family goes 2...they band him that night he got my dad upset..which in all honest it was just my dad that guy was doin nothing but sitting at the bar...but its nice 2 know i have a place 2 go knowing he will no show up..its 8:31am my phone will ring soon it will be him..i know his calls its like clock work now..this guy is so full of shit..he says he comes from a wealthy family um yeah ok...i drove pass there home and its run down big time...who is this guy tryin 2 fuck with...it would not matter if this guy had all the money in the world he is fucked up in the head big time...well i will write later i  need 2 go before this phone starts ringing it drives me nutz

James

10.03.04 (1:14 am)   [edit]

*kiss*...this is 2 james...i just wanted 2 tell how i feel..how sweet it is 2 be loved by u...needed someone 2 understand my ups and downs..there u where...sweet love and potions... deeply touchin my emotions...i close my eyes at night ....wondering where i would be without u in my life...everything before was just a bore...u r better 2 me then i am 2 myself...

oh i am getting sappy...haha..anyways james u mean alot 2 me...and in time u will be so much more...

oh what 2 call this one

10.02.04 (6:57 pm)   [edit]

ok this is enough 2 drive me nutz how about u lol...ok so my saturday is nothing 2 talk about...grrr why make colors if u cant see them...so my plans for tonight i think i will go and rent a movie and spend me time and pretty much hide out tonight put the phones off the hook and just deal with me...its way over due...the dude from the bar is still tryin like hell 2 get me 2 answer my phone....WHY CANT MEN SEE WHEN WE DONT WANT THEM!!!!!...i mean i did the hey dont call no more...the hey go 2 hell...um the dude r u stupid...and he still on my tit..wtf...i mean i can see if i was all that and then some..but shit i am a just a plain girl nothing more nothing less...

oh i have 2 talk about this..i about choked on my drink this morning when the kids dad came and got them...i was tellin about the kids how they r doin and shit in school and how our youngest boy is being very difficult in school...his answer was this...well maybe i need 2 move back in here and get things straight....WHATTTTTTTT..oh hellz no...haha that sure is not the answer....its funny he is tryin 2 get back in this house...but um i cant forget the drama he put in my life those years of being together....how can i forget the cheating...the screaming the throwing shit the hitting me..nah its not going 2 happen he is out for good...bill is a friend thats all he is...of course there will be some love in my heart for him i am not some cold hearted bitch but that is cause we share 3 wonderful kids together...i tried i really did 10years with him....

so today mom was being a pain in the ass so up in my shit...i am 28yrs old and she thinks i am still her baby and needs 2 watch over me...ok ok sometimes i do stupid shit..but hey its my life "right"...her and my dad want me happy but they want me 2 back off men for awhile...i have had some bad luck for the year of 2004...but hopefully james will prove not all men r assholes...

Assholes...2 me a Asshole is this...someone that is rude...only cares about himself...abuse his or her love one...and RESPECTS no one..

does anyone anymore respect others...i mean if u talk with my grandparents they will tell u how in there day u respected everyone and u got respect back...shit u go and help someone along the road with a flat tire either u fear for your life or they fear for there life...god how much this world has changed...its sad 2 fear 2 walk outside anymore...how am i as a parent suppose 2 show my kids not 2 fear when i fear so much...i fear being a single parent...i fear darkness..i fear this world...that is why my blog is called lost in this world...well i guess i am going 2 go since i just talked about all kinds of shit and probably made no damn sense anyways lol...

 

 

advice on the looks of this blog

10.02.04 (12:45 pm)   [edit]
i am lookin for advice on how 2 make my blog neat and fun anyone have any ideas plz let me know

so much on my mind

10.01.04 (9:33 pm)   [edit]
god my weekend is going 2 suck....i agreed 2 work this saturday...oh wellz i need time like this just 2 be by myself....only bad thing is i have so much on my mind i cant even focus...i am so messing up my work...hmm but not sure exactly where my mind is really...the kids r going with there dad tomorrow i guess i will have alittle time 2 try 2 figure out why i am so out there....i think i need a day of just me...like go and have my hair done and just do for me for a change...haha if i can just stick 2 that...but knowing me i will just nap until work time and then sunday not do a damn thing...i dont know maybe i will call my bro up and see if he wants 2 shoot some pool or something....i feel bad he called tonight and i cut him short...or maybe i need a girls night out....just go out and dance and forget what is on my mind..ever want 2 scream at everyone and tell everyone 2 let u be...thats the mood i am in now...the shut the hell up and leave me be mood...i have soooooooo damn much on my mind...my parents...kids...teachers....ex...stalker...work...god dammit...ugh i cant even focus 2 typin in this blog tonight...maybe tomorrow my head will be alittle more clear for me 2 write about it...

ok i think i went sappy lol

10.01.04 (8:14 am)   [edit]

now that i got that cleared from my mind i can go on with what i was doin before the games..that was getting 2 know this guy james...what can i say about him...god he is something so far...i hope this does not turn out like the rest...i mean i could run and hide from james and all that...but what if...what if this is the one...i mean i cant let john or anyone else ruin it for me...that only makes them stronger knowing they have me in corner fearing life...WELL FUCK U!!!!...u dont have this chic in no damn corner...and i am not rushing this trust me on this note..haha actually james will not let me...he believes in waiting for alot of stuff..he wants 2 show me he is not here for the games and the hurting of my feelings...cute huh..yeah i think so...i got alittle weird these few days with the whole climates thing...but i am glad it happen i told james about it..and i am glad he was a total asshole 2 me..climates that is...

james...u have my full attention...and in time we both will see this...i am not letting my past relationship reflect onto us...that was the past and i leave it in the past...i move forward with u...in time...i enjoy talkin with u about nothing and hearing your sweet laugh..i sit and hear that in the back of my head...

as 2 my dear friend u know who u r...and i thank u for being so damn honest with me about john..and all the times we sit on the phone and u hear me talk about all this damn drama in my life...i thank u..and i am glad we r friends...plz remember if u need anything..hmm let me rethink that..haha not anything..cause i aint sleepin wiff your monkey lmfao...but no serious if u need a friend i am here...

and my dear bellz..thanks girlie..u and i been through so much on this damn internet and dealing with dead beat guys..hmm maybe this time around we both got lucky...thanks for being a chat friend it means alot 2 talk with someone about how sucky life can be...and god dammit i am still comin 2 have a drink wiff u lmfao...but u know i am here for u at anytime...

julie...sas...zuz...twinkers...haha u girls turn me bad lmfao...haha what can i say about u girls...that u all r amazing 2 me in my eyes..never change in who u r...u girls got it going on lol...hugs and kisses

bj..u lil bitch when we going out again girl..god dammit she gets a man and i am left in the dust lmfao..

missa...damn girl i miss u...we lost touch and it sucks...we had some great times hanging out and drinkin..and me makin an ass out of myself drunk and dancin lmfao...but it was fun..and i need 2 come and see the new place

haha so i sit in tears..thankful for being able 2 share in some of the greatest people on here..THANK U...i thank u for being u...love u all hugs and kisses

climates true colors

10.01.04 (7:17 am)   [edit]

ok i need 2 show all climates true colors...now wednesday night climates invited himself 2 my house saturday for dinner and i will show u our lil conversation that night...

wild_chic_2u (9:15:30 PM): well if u r serious about saturday the door is open
xxclimates (9:15:53 PM): cool...barring the second coming of christ, ill be there ......and ty
xxclimates (9:55:03 PM): wtf u runnin away so fast 4?
wild_chic_2u (9:55:26 PM): um haha i just said later
xxclimates (9:55:48 PM): oops
xxclimates (9:56:08 PM): yeah, but u didnt even wait for me 2 say bye

xxclimates (9:56:19 PM): i posted that in the room
xxclimates (9:56:38 PM): hey
wild_chic_2u (9:56:44 PM): yes
xxclimates (9:56:46 PM): im sorry
wild_chic_2u (9:56:54 PM): for what
xxclimates (9:57:01 PM): everything
wild_chic_2u (9:57:05 PM): its ok
xxclimates (9:57:17 PM): no its not...but ty for saying so

wild_chic_2u (9:57:27 PM): i did not help matters either
xxclimates (9:58:01 PM): we needent bother going too deep as i see it anyway,,...just let me have my "sorry" say huh?
wild_chic_2u (9:58:15 PM): ok
xxclimates (9:58:20 PM): ty
wild_chic_2u (9:58:25 PM): yw

now come thursday night climates attitude changed he became instant asshole over night...and this is how he acted

 xxclimates: yes? tis_me_the_fukin_nun: what the hell is goin on now with u 2? xxclimates: nothing as far as i know xxclimates: same as what was tis_me_the_fukin_nun: u got her all worked up again now y?

tis_me_the_fukin_nun: no not the same she was tryin really hard to get over u and now what xxclimates: i didnt know that i had done that.....dont know what i did.....she just harbours an inward hatred of me i suppose tis_me_the_fukin_nun: were u supposed to go there for dinner on sat?

xxclimates: no xxclimates: where did u hear that? tis_me_the_fukin_nun: oh really? xxclimates: omg xxclimates: nun...listen to me tis_me_the_fukin_nun: what? xxclimates: please

now he says no he never said that...funny um i think bellz was in the room that night alot with dip and everyone seen how he was being total flirt....oh but let me show how mean he gets hold..while i paste

tis_me_the_fukin_nun: yes xxclimates: you see?....i am a horrible alcoholic...i have and do explain this to EVERYONE...its no secret.... tis_me_the_fukin_nun: yes i know xxclimates: and by an alcoholics very nature tis_me_the_fukin_nun: y do u think i ride ur ass about it so much xxclimates: they quite often do or say things that they dont

this is him tryin 2 blame alcohol go figure..typical

xxclimates: so....elaine is correct i am sure xxclimates: about whatever she has told u xxclimates: i just didnt think i said anything like that 2 her tis_me_the_fukin_nun: so do most men that dont even have drinking problems but still

its a shame u have no idea wtf u r talkin about from one day or the other sad really

tis_me_the_fukin_nun: well u did xxclimates: i didnt think i WOULD tis_me_the_fukin_nun: thats y she was askin u if u was still comming xxclimates: oh, i didnt see that xxclimates: well, i really am causing her problems arent i? tis_me_the_fukin_nun: therefore i think if u cant remember what u say to her then maybe when ur drinking if its in here or in ims maybe u shouldnt say nething tis_me_the_fukin_nun: either u need to let her go xxclimates: yes i think u may be correct....i should stop talking to her tis_me_the_fukin_nun: or u need to give up certain things and work on the 2 of u

hmm letting me go..never thought he had me..i let go months ago..just fell for the stupid head games

tis_me_the_fukin_nun: if u dont want her then u need to let her get over u xxclimates: there are no 2 of me tis_me_the_fukin_nun: its not good for her to keep goin through this mind game thats being played tis_me_the_fukin_nun: u know what i mean xxclimates: as far as i am aware....she knows exactly how i feel

i know this climates u r a total dick...playin head games with people is not cool...u of all people should know that games suck ass

xxclimates: i thought that i made it abundantly clear that i do not want a relationship with her or anyone else for that matter tis_me_the_fukin_nun: and how is that? xxclimates: I know me...and i dont want anyone else knowing what i know tis_me_the_fukin_nun: well ur not makin urself clear if ur tellin her ur gonna come for dinner and shit

xxclimates: i thought i was just fukkin round in a chat room...my mistake.....that will not happen again xxclimates: no worries bout that xxclimates: i will take your advise and not speak to her again....thank you

tis_me_the_fukin_nun: apparently u dont understand wtf ur doin to her u cant fuck around in the room or newhere else when ur fuckin with her feelings and mind

see climates my dear asshole u r worthless...and i thank u for showing your colors once again...it makes me see that i am so better off without your presents....hmm word of advise...just keep fukkin nasty girls and leave the good ones alone...they dont need your bullshit or your life style...as for anything with u my ties r cut u no longer have anything with me..no friendship nothing u r DEAD 2 me...rest in peace