Lost in this world

i have seen the light

09.30.04 (9:11 pm)   [edit]
ok call me stupid...tonight i see why i cant be around climates..he is like hot and cold...one minute cool with me the next ignoring me..he must of been drunk last night or not drunk one or the other.....its ok i am fine with this really...i have not seen him for like couple of months i could go longer..its for the best i think...so i should call it off...he does not deserve my kindness...i am 2 nice 2 him and he knows this..he knows i have a soft heart and will give in...oh the stupid shit he is sayin in the room god help me...i had ENOUGH!!!!!!!

not sure i made the right move

09.30.04 (11:00 am)   [edit]
ok so where do i start...last night i was in the room talkin with some of people and i made the comment of me havin pasta for dinner saturday and a guy i use 2 date commented on comin over for dinner...my heart stopped i did not know what 2 say...so many people tried 2 make me hate him i am not sure in why...maybe 2 get me over him...well i miss him as a FRIEND...he was there in times i need someone and for that i cant push him away...so i agreed on letting him come for dinner...is this wrong...i am not sure...i care about james alot...he is someone i need in my life...i am not sayin john is not special...but john is used 2 being on his own and caring for himself...james understand that meaning of family...and well i have 3 kids so family is important 2 me...someone wants told me if i wanted another relationship with someone else i need 2 break free of john...well i done tried that and i am miserable for the fact i miss my friend...i am movin on with james this is the guy i want in my life...john will always be my friend until the end of time...

morning look

09.30.04 (7:35 am)   [edit]
ok haha my kids r makin fun of me..it went down 2 44degrees and i was cold so i put on my pants pj's everyone is used 2 me being in shorts and t-shirt...so they got a laugh at me this morning all these teddy bears all over my pj's...so i have been outside takin the garbage out they could not believe i was outside...haha wait until i take them 2 school..haha i am not changing 2 drive couple of streets over 2 take them 2 school lmfao...my luck something will happen and i will have 2 get out of my truck..nice.. lady 5'8 wearing teddy bear pj's lmfao...ok so the morning is not going 2 bad..kids seem 2 be in a good mood thank heavens lol...they still want me out of my pj's...haha remember when your mom or dad or both would do something 2 totally make u want 2 run and hide and never return 2 school lmfao...i remember in high school grade 7th and i was sick and at the nurses office and my mom had 2 come and get me...she had no idea where in the school i was and she asked a kid in the school he looked at her like omg how long have u been goin 2 school and u do not know where the nurses office is..my mom is like 5'2 maybe not even that lmfao...so when we exit the nurses office they r like there is that kid that was lost omg lmfao...i try 2 be the hip mom u know the ones everyone talks about lmfao...haha well they will talk alright about my pjs...haha sorry kids its being a parent and is my duty lmfao..

why do people assume

09.29.04 (10:01 pm)   [edit]
let me ask this..is it bad 2 be friends with a man..just friends and nothing more...it seems as if that cant be done...have u ever sat in a chat room and totally fucked around like givin kisses and all that shit and mean nothing by it....well my friend fucked up the other night in the room and said something about us fuckin..now come on i am into james this of course was a joke and i took it as a joke....but some others felt i was needed 2 be spread as if it actually ment something...this is why i am getting sick of chat..so much damn drama...u know what the sad part of this is...when i tell u something i stick 2 it...i made it known this guy was nothing more then just a friend...i enjoy talkin with this guy...its nice 2 talk with someone and be so open and nothing is expected of me....so relax people there is nothing going on then just 2 people talkin about our daily lives...dont believe everything u hear some people only copy and paste what they want u 2 see...as for the person who spread this..SHAME ON U!!!...u know better then 2 think i would do something like that...oh and yes i am PISSED!!!!!!!....for the simple fact is i do not like 2 be blamed for shit i aint doin...i would be straight up with u if u would come 2 me instead of going 2 everyone else...now relax and lets just enjoy chatting...come 2 me next time...if u want my number i will give it 2 u

ex hubby just dont get it

09.28.04 (3:27 pm)   [edit]
ok so i had 2 call my ex about my son...i found out that my ex allows him 2 drive around with a 16yr old..i am pissed...my son is only 6yrs old what in the world would they have in commen...what if something happens 2 our son how would he come and tell me..wtf is bill thinkin...thats the thing when bill gets with a new girl he so does not think...he puts our kids lives out in the open 2 get hurt all the damn time..so i called and told him how i felt and that i did not allow my kids 2 ride in a car with someone that young...when it comes 2 my kids i am protective what mother is not protective over there children...so of course bill is screaming at me about all this sayin he will be fine and all this shit...no its not fine and i dont accept it..i mean why cant bill work with me on this..its not like i am sayin the kids cant go over 2 his new girlfriends house its just i do not want them in her sons car...yeah its all weird for me i mean he is dating a girl 38yrs old..its odd havin my kids talk about someone twice there age and there attitudes have changed so damn much..yeah thats how it is..mom has 2 deal with it all the time dad never has 2...well i had it and bill is called on everytime the kids step out of line...its about time he takes part of there lives...i am movin hopefully this summer i was thinkin on the other side of pa or something....if i do this he will get the kids the whole summer...let him see how it is..2 do this all yourself everyday...bill upsets me...

house of pain

09.28.04 (3:31 am)   [edit]
do u ever sit and wish u could turn back the clock....god i have so many times in my life...i can handle the rough childhood i had..it actually made me strong going though some of that shit.....its today...starting from 21 and now i wish i could change so much...i love my kids i would never change that part of my life either...but how i carry myself how i see things i would love 2 change...i feel i am strong but i am letting so much of my life beat me 2 the ground..i cant overcome some things that i should..i guess i just dont know how...do i talk about it...do i force my mind 2 push it behind me...i would love 2 go 2 the highest place and scream i am so sick of being ok one day and the next totally stressed out...i am so stressed out that i am losin more weight...i started losing at the beginning of sept or late in august...i started workin out again...it helps relieve stress...and work has me going alot these days...Fuck who am i kidding...i cant play this happy good lucky chic anymore..i am fukkin miserable...i just want 2 be with james and leave this place i known forever i had it...i want 2 be free of the memories that i have in this rotten town....this house is nothing but pain...it holds so much pain and mean thoughts in it....it should be tore down and built fresh....house of pain is what i live in...ugh i had enough i am done on this topic for now

hope its over soon

09.28.04 (3:08 am)   [edit]
ok i have been talkin about this guy from the bar i just found out some shit on this dude..omg not good...i guess 4 years ago he held a girl hostage for days..that would explain how he feels he needs 2 call me 24/7 and show up here and say i am his...omg what a FREAK!!!!!!!...so now i am all freakin and shit...i mean u would think he would of learned being in jail for like 4 years....oh this is totally creepin me out..i am still screening my calls in hopes he will give up..but who the fuck am i kidding this guy is a monster that just dont give up...ok if he comes 2 my home again i will get a pfa on him..if my dad knew he was still bothering me this would be so damn ugly...but he has a bad heart and my mother cant deal with stress so i just leave them out of this...funny how when i was growing up they did not have 2 worry about me...now that i am grown i am havin major problems..so much i try 2 keep 2 myself....

this time around

09.27.04 (3:37 pm)   [edit]
so today just like every other day nothing new just work and thats about it...for some reason i really missed james today..he was on my mind alot..its funny how i can picture us growin old together and sitting on the porch and remembering all the best times in our life...i could never picture that with anyone else..i feel so comfortable with him...it feels like i known him forever..i am just scared though..it seems so perfect...i want 2 build a wall around james and i so no one cant ruin it..i know that is not able 2 be done and i have 2 deal with society but dammit when is it goin 2 be ok for me 2 be inlove and stay inlove...oh well i guess i sit back and wait 2 see what cards r dealt this time around

what women should do

09.27.04 (4:04 am)   [edit]
ok ok i have 2 be fair in this sooooooo...what women should do..haha...well first ladies we have 2 stop being so damn bitchy all the time...haha..and try 2 understand that we r dealin with men...some r not open but that does not mean they dont care...some just need alittle bit of help..ok ok...and ladies we do not need the most expensive thing in the store....damn...ok ok maybe the next expensive thing in the store..kidding guys dont get pissed lol...oh and ladys we r not always right come on now haha...psst most of the time we r lol...and we should make him feel special by maybe that back rub late at night when u both r relaxed in bed...or his favorite breakfast in the morning..or put on those sexy pj's for him...i know i know u r tired so WHAT..just do it lol..see its simple things u can do 2 make each of u know that u care...hmm so try it see what happens..I DARE YA!!!

what men should do lol

09.26.04 (3:23 pm)   [edit]
i need 2 write a book for men....how 2 make a girl smile in so many ways..haha...serious do men actually take the time 2 understand us or what makes us happy...i mean ok this is what would make me fall for someone surprise phone calls like when u do not think he will call cause he is at work or not home..lil messages sayin he was thinkin of u..flowers sent 2 u for no special reason just a lil something 2 make u feel special...cards sayin how they miss u...or that moment of the day where u both take time out 2 think of one another....or that surprise visit..or that dinner by the fire...haha i know ladies i am wakin up its just a thought lmfao

just me talkin about nothing lol

09.26.04 (2:42 pm)   [edit]
hmm so what did i do today...not a damn thing did some house work and took a nap..go me i got a life :D/...anyways the guy from the bar is not takin me sayin do not call me again so well...so now i am screening my calls oh how fun...well James and i r still talkin and i am enjoyin our talks its nice 2 talk with someone about just anything...hmm wonder how my friend is doin havent talked with him in a few days i will have 2 call him and be a pest 2 him lmfao...i love 2 call and listen 2 him work its rather funny....oh how he lectures me on my dating lol...he thinks James is not good enough...hmm lets see a man that works and has his life going so well for himself..likes kids..enjoys me..and wants what i want in life that is happiness and lots of laughs...we both want a future not something that is going 2 last a month or 2...i dont know we r takin things really slow like turtle walkin slow...so its all good..ughhhhhhhhhh the bar dude is callin my cell....i could scream...counts 2 10..dammit now my home phone...how i could kick my cousin in his ass for this shit...oh wells i think i should go and watch a movie and get away from the phones..

day with the kids

09.25.04 (3:37 pm)   [edit]
:D best day ever...took the kidos shoppin and lunch...we had a blast just out doin whatever and not worry about nothing...me laughing at the kids tryin there new shoes on and sitting in the middle of the lane...hearing mom screamed across the room for me 2 look and see what they want 2 buy next...but my youngest has this problem he wants full attention on him at all times and if he does not get it he flips..so he was not happy at the end of the day...his dad is going 2 take him for a couple of days and let me have the other 2...i do not want 2 give up on ryan but he is being such a handful for me and the teachers everyone...i wish i knew what 2 do for him...he thinks its going 2 be a big funland at daddy's but dad is just like mom works everyday and does nothing more then that...he will get a rude awakin...but still for the most part i had a wonderful day with them

fallin down

09.24.04 (6:25 pm)   [edit]
its been lonely since u been gone...fallin 2 pieces i am fallin...and i am still fallin.....i feel lonely i cant breath....how i wish u would come back 2 me and tell me everything well be ok....the memories r starting 2 die and i am dyin inside...i am feelin the numbness workin across my body..i took 2 hydroxyzine pills...soon i will see u in my dreams...u look like an angel i go 2 touch u and u disapear...it kills me 2 feel this strong about u...i am dyin inside...i want u here with me....i want 2 feel the butterflies in the stomach the i cant wait 2 see u feelin...take me out of this world of hurtness and protect me with your love..only u can get me out of this lost world....only u can guide me...i love u

failed

09.23.04 (4:04 pm)   [edit]
so lately i have been thinkin of my failures in life...i always shyed away from things when i was little if i felt i could not do it or i was going 2 fail i would run from it...nice huh...never had the parents that would tell u 2 stand up for yourself and make it happen...i guess u learn from your failures...i know i tell my kids 2 fight for what they want and do there best..never give up on your dreams....sometimes i think i was the one that failed at my marriage...i dont know it was alot 2 take in..new home and 3 babies running around and this huge house and never getting time for myself....yeah i know everyone does it what makes it different for me..at the time bill worked with his brother on the road they would be gone for a day and night come home in the morning and sleep all day...it seem as i was doin this all myself...i just wanted my husband in my life...bill had some problems he would get mad and punch the walls or push me down or scream in my face....but its in his gens...his dad is the same way and his grandfather and brothers...its sad..i really hope my son's r not like this..but i see my youngest heading in that direction...my body was so run down with the house and kids and doctor appointments and shoppin that i had no time for him...sex omg..i could never think of sex i was 2 tired...so thats where i think i failed at...yeah he went and found it somewhere else..what sucks is if u would look at us we looked good together we made beautiful children...we had it all...but i could not take his not being here for us...so he gets a better job 10minutes from home perfect more money better hours...so i thought good now we will become a family...nah bill never changed he slept all day and would wake 2 only spending 2 hours of his time with us..then off 2 work he would go...i could not take it...but i would just cry 2 my family and they would tell me it will get better in time...so he goes out and gets this damn computer and all this internet shit and cam and all this lovely shit...and there is where it fell harder on our marriage...he was meeting these girls and doin shit on cam...so i found out and i want him gone...why have him stick around..but he was pighead and did not want 2 leave...so i got online and went into chat..there is where i met sas and missa...and nun...these girls made me who i am today..they showed me i can do it myself and i do not need bill 2 support me...but then i got addicted 2 this damn thing...how easy it is...nice 2 hear people tell u r pretty and all that lovely shit...but i am finally getting sick of hearing how pretty u r...it means nothing 2 me now...i still get on here for what i have no idea...2 bitch...2 laugh...2 just stare at a screen...eh someday when i grow up i will get off here....but as for now i am not rushin

whatever u want 2 call this

09.23.04 (2:53 am)   [edit]
so hmmm i havent typed in this for awhile....nothing new the guy from the bar still bothering me...james and i talked things with us seem 2 be still good...i am sure that erks some of u...its funny how someone is so damn pissed everything something goods happens in my life and its not someone from this blog thing its someone that seems 2 think they know me..i wrote about someone knowing me and i said about if u really knew me u would know my favorite color...well in my eyes if u really do know me u know everything...see i have my guard up no matter what...and i will tell u this on here in person u may think u know me but u dont have know idea...there r select few i let see my true self ones i trust dearly...ones that make attempts 2 make sure we talk everyday keep intouch...and we talk about stupid shit like what is your favorite movie etc...so um yeah i think if u really knew me u would know all that....guess u never took out the time 2 try 2 understand me....so anyways still sick this sucks ass working and being sick...u know what bugs me is some people think u cant be friends with a guy...what do u think....my god i have many friends that r guys and NO there is no sex involve...its funny how we judge people...judging is something i face everyday from the eyes of my hater...and that my friend is u....u judge me 2 much...friends dont judge they dont sit and want 2 talk shit on someone everytime they turn there back...its a shame i am not a bad person and i could be there for u at times when u just want 2 give it up or just scream...u have 2 understand not everyone is just like u...

bad thought

09.21.04 (3:56 pm)   [edit]
something bad happen tonight..i have this flu and i went 2 work during work i found myself not able 2 breath it brought bad memories back...when loren would choke me i would find myself on the floor gasping for air...god i wish i could block that out of my head...the more i thought i about it at work the more i could not get my breath...i would have him screaming at me when i was down on the ground he would be tellin me get up bitch....he would drag me by my hair and make me stand..my body would be a purplish blue color...as it was tonight...i came home and got on the breathing machine....i have the chills and it hurts....i never want anyone 2 experience what i have in my life time..but that is funny women everyday is going through this shit...its funny how so many is like get them out of your house..its like u hide in your body and u cant come out...its like this monster has control and u lose....god how i wish i could live life and not worry...i try so hard 2 not think about it but the littlest or the biggest thing sents it off

sick

09.20.04 (4:26 pm)   [edit]
ugh i feel like shit..woke today and i am sick..throat is killin me and i am seeing black spots lmfao....i am advoiding alot of people today..the guy from the bar..james...i am just tired of always wondering whats goin 2 happen next...i want 2 start livin my life and not wondering anymore...james hung up on me last night for some reason and i am not sure why...i was just talk like i do not think he is serious about getting together....god my cell keeps ringing from the dude from the bar...i think i might have a problem...forget it i am going 2 bed..i so dont need this kind of shit when i feel like shitz..

should i or shouldnt i

09.20.04 (3:15 am)   [edit]
oh god!!!!!! my cousin gives the guy at the bar my number..haha the one my dad hates..anyways he called me like 4 times yesterday tellin me he wants 2 take me out 2 dinner or catch a movie or come over and spend sometime with me...this is nutz lol just nutz...ok how am i 2 do this knowing my dad hates him lol...as for james i am not sure where he is headed i think he cares and all but is there going 2 be a someday ...i do not know it was nice getting out and not worryin who i am with...i need more nights of that...it was nice walkin in the place and being new and everyone wondering who i was and what was my deal..haha my deal was shakin my hips up on the dance floor lmfao...lmfao i must of been shakin them alittle 2 hard my god the next morning i could not move lmfao...haha the people liked me ask if i was going 2 join there club..haha..nah i am not ready 2 be known like that...i do not want 2 be like norm on cheers where everyone knows my name nah lmfao..not my style...anywho its freezing 44 out and my nipps r hard and i must go back 2 bed and warm up lmfao...

night out

09.19.04 (4:40 pm)   [edit]
haha ok ok so i went out with the parents we go 2 this club in town...boy oh boy half the bar is related 2 my step dad...anywho so i see people from high school lmfao...god have not seen these people since 94 anyways the night is going good havin a good night...until this dude keeps bothering me 2 dance with him...haha god this dude could be my dad lmfao...so i dodge this guy most of the night...i am out on the dance floor havin a blast...before i know it i have some dude up on my ass dancin...haha ok i am thinkin this is ok its just dancing...so he follows me back 2 my seat and buys me a drink...haha my dad is givin evil eyes 2 this guy...so i walk over  and introduce this guy 2 my parents..bad move lmfao...my dad is lookin like he is ready 2 kick ass...so i go off and dance..i went 2 have fun and that is what i was doin..before i knew it my dad had 5 guys holding him back and gets kicked out of the bar...screaming u r not good enough for my daughter lol...so thats how that night went lol

saturday

09.18.04 (2:56 pm)   [edit]
ok its saturday night and i am home...haha not for long i am heading out 2 the bar 2 sing some karoke and play some pool...haha yessssss big stress reliever and i am going out with my parents lmfao....no stress of being with a man just sit back and laugh the night away...i so need this..cant wait....so i better shut up for now and head out lmfao...woooo hoooooo

people just dont get it

09.17.04 (3:09 pm)   [edit]
so i said i have something 2 say...well that what i shall do..see so many of u want 2 judge me on this blog....so i have had 3 relationship since my husband and u make me out 2 be a monster lmfao...this is the last time i am going 2 explain this 2 some of u that just think u know so much about me...i am 28 yrs old...yes i want 2 see what is out there...i was married for 6 years total of 10 yrs with my husband...so if i seem 2 be picky on who i date then so be it...if i care 2 whine about my life in this blog then so be it...oh and ask my last b/f who i put first...it sure in the hell was not me...oh and um ask him if i sat infront of this computer...sorry but no we actually did shit...when i see the relationship going somewhere i focus on it...if i am the only one tryin 2 make it work then fuck it...damn right i will do as i like...oh and its rather funny how u think i am some kind of girl that just talks with anyone..surely u have no clue who i am....i had a close friend tell me one day as we where talkin on the phone he said i never knew u until now...so i ask u...do u know me...remember what i typed long ago this net is my world i say and do as i like...in the real world i may be different...so let me ask this so u hangout with me for a weekend does that mean u know me...hell no it doesn't...shit if so whats my favorite color..my favorite movie..what do i fear..whats my middle name...whats my kids full names...i am sure so many of u cant even begin 2 answer those questions....so before u start running your mouth on me and how i am answer those facts first...what is my b-day the kids b-day i am sure u dont even know...so i say this just focus on yourself and do not worry about me..and if u cant stand my whinning then stay out of my blog its that simple

rain sucks

09.17.04 (8:03 am)   [edit]
today should be fun nothing but rain....not much 2 say...guess its a slow day....i will let out some steam when i return from work i have alot 2 say about a certain subject and its time 2 let it out

for the people who do not understand blogging

09.16.04 (2:45 pm)   [edit]
hmmm seems my blog has got some people undies in a bunch...lets see where do i start...one its my blog lol..so therefore i will type what i like...second if u dont like what u read then stay out...boy that is easy....hmmm....as for me going through cancer fuck u....ok i will always have the fear of it returning...and um as my ex husband...once again this is my blog if i want 2 complain about him not doin his job then so be it...its rather funny how this certain person feels the need 2 talk shit on everything i typed...hmmm...yes i want a man in my life when i feel its right..til then i will stay single...but um as for me i have my life on track u r right i have a home and kids and a job..why cant i have a relationship...but anywho...keep getting pissed at me for my thoughts...i think maybe u need 2 start a blog and your attitude adjusted for the fact u r screaming at someone who is blogging lmfao...hmmm do u know the meaning of a blog...its my thoughts...how i feel....haha...such entertainment when i see how easy some of u get...and u think i am up tight about shit....breath its ok...oh yeah by the way when u walk in my shoes then u can be a dick 2 me lol...

none

09.16.04 (8:44 am)   [edit]
so its almost work time...oh how i cant wait 2 sit in a parking lot for over an hour and watch the damn corn grow in the field....so i jumped on the scale lost another 3 pounds....this is starting 2 worry me alittle..but its probably cause i am so stressed out...with the cancer and men..my life..u know daily life shit....the omg i fukkin forgot 2 pay that damn bill and oh shit no toilet paper lol....but u move on and u get that mess takin care of...but then before u know it bam something else...how we r faced with shit everyday of our lives..no wonder we die lmfao...some of us r faced with so damn much our bodys just give up...sometimes i feel my body wanting 2 do that...and i push it...just scared i might push it 2 far...looks like rain...great..i just love workin out in the rain...actually i bitch about it but it really does not bother me...sometimes it feels as if god is rinsing my troubles away....like he is sayin ok now is your time 2 do it right...sounds weird huh...well today i really dont have much 2 talk about...i have been sleepin alot so not much 2 speak of lol...i am sure i will be sayin shit later being something always happens 2 me at work lol...

cranky

09.16.04 (7:55 am)   [edit]

oh i am so damn cranky....and i go into 2 relax in chat for a bit and i see him he gets on my nerves now..he is so damn different now..what the hell was i thinkin..how can we be cool and friends he never takes nothing serious...so i talked with james last night he so needs a break from work...he is over worked and i could tell he was stressed out with work and tryin 2 make it a go with me and his sister's kid being sick and in the hospital..i told him 2 give us a break focus on the more important stuff in his life...but what the fuck do i know u know...when i try 2 be nice they think i am tryin 2 be mean...see thats the whole problem no one can read me..and that is sad...i am not that difficult shit i never thought i was...so this day is going 2 suck ass no rushin at work today...i have 2 wait on my dad today yay ugh....this place we work for sucks ass trucks breakin down all the damn time..but hey its a post office job and it can get me in the door there with so many years...ugh...yep so i deal with drivin a 6 wheeler truck that works half the time...oh well its a job and it takes care of me and my kids guess that is all that is important only thing now with school back in i barely see my kids...so this is life this is how it goes huh...well it sucks..

 

ok u r right!!

09.15.04 (4:48 pm)   [edit]
ok maybe everyone is right...i should just focus on me and my kids..i was stupid and told james how i felt and now it seems like he is different..ugh i dont get men..why..why is it when u tell the man what he wants 2 hear he acts all weird now...i just want 2 scream...why why why...men i just dont get them..wtf...should i walk..should i tell james goodbye...i hate being alone i hate coming home 2 no one 2 talk with about my day or 2 have an adult conversation...i love my kids dont get me wrong..but at times i like 2 have another adult in the house...i should of not said anything 2 james..and 2 those that think i am not over john..yes i am...i will always love that man but i am over him...trust me i saw the light...god i need my friend right now...he is the only one that sets me on the right track...i miss him so much...i think saturday i will go 2 his bar and talk with him..i need a good talkin 2...he was the one that told me 2 look further into john and see his true colors..and he was right...he has always been here when i needed him the most...i love him like my own brother...god i feel like going and cryin right now...just go 2 bed and cry myself 2 sleep..i was put on this damn earth 2 feel nothing but pain...this i really believe

why do i do the things i do

09.15.04 (7:05 am)   [edit]
ok so i fucked up with james last night..this guy is so into me and i just hung up on him...yeah real cool of me...wtf am i thinkin...u ever have a day where your head starts 2 spin and u cant get it 2 stop...i mean i have 3 guys like me so they say...i really enjoy james i do...so i caved i called him just alittle bit ago and said sorry 2 him on his answer machine..i have this other dude i like talkin with he eases my mind when i feel like i am going 2 flip out...but he has 2 many problems with another female and needs 2 focus on that matter...he and i r friends...i do know that much...maybe i need 2 get away..go somewhere..my kids r leavin this weekend..but i should excape..hmm where 2 go...i have james on my mind...how i wish i could just run and be with him this weekend..damn guy works so much lmfao...nah its cool i understand...he had no one in his life so he jammed his work schedule..haha..i cant focus on nothing today my head wont stop this shit....

just another blog

09.14.04 (7:38 am)   [edit]
do u ever get that fear like something is not right...ugh i have it..i hope my kids r ok and going 2 be ok and my family...anything bad let it happen 2 me..i cant shake this damn feeling..i am not feeling well..i just took a nap in hopes i would feel better but i see that did not work...so i am alittle nervous i had that cancer removed last week well they said i should not have any bleeding well i had alittle no big deal nothing 2 worry about right...i passed a huge blood clot..now i am nervous..i do not want 2 call the doctor i dont want 2 be put in the hospital...i am so tired anymore never seem 2 get enough sleep and when i am out on my job i feel really tired like i could just drop there and sleep...oh well talkin about this is only depressing me

talking

09.14.04 (3:21 am)   [edit]
ok i think i actually feel ok this morning not 2 tired and got up and the kids got off 2 school on time..ugh why do i still have john on my mind..its like that damn pm is playin over and over in my head...i cant let this win and get inbetween james and i...but something john said bothered me..he brought up about me and loren and how i ignored him when i started dating loren...this my friend is not true...how i would hangup with loren 2 talk with u...remember even though i was not allowed on the computer i would sneak on and say hi..or ask evl how u where doin..there was not a time that went on john that i did not think of u...u cant compare that 2 loren and i...i was not the bad person in this john..sorry 2 say u where...and i am sure it just sucks not havin me talk with u..plz..its better we do not talk...i moved on like u wanted..well u never told me 2 but i did..who in there right mind would sit there and be ignored...not i...i am happy i moved on.. i have this wonderful man in my life now...that cares for me and my kids....something i always wanted...thats all just someone 2 accept me and my kids..and not want anything more...james sets positive things in my head...has me wanting 2 do more for myself and thinkin back on the postive side...ok i had enough of this blog...i get all kinda weird talkin about john...i need 2 just stop this now

bad work day

09.13.04 (5:08 pm)   [edit]
omg did my work day suck ass..it started out bad...actually my whole day started out bad....was late getting up with the kids..got them off...then came home and did all the callin around i needed 2..then i was late going 2 work..had 2 fuel the truck up made me really late...had tons of cages of mail omg..heavy as shit 2...so i was late for my first stop so then that put me behind the whole night...i get home and the kids did not do there homework...god will anything go right...then i go into chat 2 enjoy chatting with some friends..bam john enters the room...then he pm's me talkin how he misses talkin with me...why...why does he do this shit 2 me...let go...i sure did...he had me at one time...he should of kept me....i honestly think he and malinda should try it again...i mean why not...they r so much alike and she knows his every move so why not be together..blah blah i dont care what those 2 do...anywho i am waiting for james 2 get out of the shower he always makes me feel better so soon i will be back 2 feelin ok..john only depresses me...john knows he fucked up...but that is out of my hands now...i have a wonder guy in my life now...or soon 2 be in my life...i will end this for now....i just might find out what this world is like after all

moving along

09.13.04 (8:38 am)   [edit]
so things with me and james r moving along...i am starting 2 feel things...i am letting him see the true me...god i hope this is not a mistake...i can see a future with this guy...haha we where talkin and he is like i saw something and i am buyin it for u...this is a type i need 2 be shhh about what i want...he would run out and get it...never had someone like that...well my husband i would just go and get myself with our money lmfao...but material things dont matter 2 me...james is so into wanting me 2 be happy and i so like this feeling i have...i could just picture james outside throwing a football with scott and ryan..me in the kitchen makin dinner and staring out and watching them laugh and smiling..god how i want that in my life..smiles and laughing...james this is for u...i enjoy talkin with u..i enjoy laughing and sharing my ideas with u and my thougths...and i hope the day comes soon where we share in hugs and much more...i feel u complete me james and i hope i complete u

just another moment

09.13.04 (3:38 am)   [edit]
:cry:way 2 go me lol...late getting up with the kids...ugh....lucky for me they r bright kids they where dress and ready 2 go..i want 2 talk more about my past i think it helps alot..i want 2 talk about my home i live in...well as u remember i was livin at my parents house with bill and our new baby scott...see bill and i got engaged my senior year before we got pregnant and we picked july 26,1997..my senior year was 1994..so ok we where thinkin ahead not rushing..well anyways i have scott in 96...come 2 find out as i am preparing for my wedding day i am pregnant again...ugh what was i going 2 do the lady that was fitting my dress told me not 2 do this lmfao...well lets say my wedding day was a day from hell..haha i was 5months pregnant with twins...so we still did not have a place of our own we where stuck at my parents house..ugh talk about tenison there was alot..fighting all the time cause i had 2 keep 3 babies quiet so my dad could sleep for work then i could not stay upstairs with them cause bill needed sleep...my mom and i just where at each others throats all the time so one day she was mad and said i want the 5 of u out...so that day bill and i went house searching and we found a house that was huge....4 bedrooms 2 baths...living room...dinning room..play room...kitchen...2 sets of stairs...huge attic...basement and a nice backyard with garage...so we enter the house hardware floors...pocket doors ..fire places..i wanted this house..so we go and see if we can get a loan and we did i was shocked..we went home and i told my mother july 26,1998 we where movin in our new home..and we did and my mom did not know what 2 say she was hurt and cryin and sayin i was just mad u dont have 2 move...i did not want 2 hear this...so i went on packing my stuff...so we get our stuff here at the house we had nothing no furture ugh ugly frig and the stove was old u know everyones hand me downs..i remember havin this lil ass tv lmfao...then bill got in this better place for a job and things started 2 come about new furture stereo...washer and dryer...it was starting 2 feel like a home..so i thought...a home of pain...thats what his house became...i am not sure if it was us being young or the whole idea of being parents married and havin 2 deal with this house..but it went down hill fast..it was like watching a sitcom me home busting my ass and takin care of kids while bill is off at work...but it was not a happy sitcom..fights all the time...bill breaking this and punching this and i just wanted out of all this...so thanks 2 this computer is how i got bill out of this pain of a house...yeah i will talk about that some other time...as of right now i have phone calls 2 make...but i wish i did not rush...when i still look at this house i see the pain...hopefully someday soon i will be able 2 sell

none

09.12.04 (11:36 am)   [edit]
ok i am in a kick ass mood...i feelin really good right now...wish james was home...i want 2 tell him that i am willing 2 try this out...thats right..i am not hiding from my feelings anymore...if i fall then so be it...fuck this i am not givin up...this might be the one...i am listening 2 the song blur woo hoo and it has me in a kick ass mood...kids r jumping around and enjoyin there time...its about time we all just have a good time...today the kids where suppose 2 be with there dad but of course something came up..what a dick...but screw it...he will lose in the end...my kids will see mom as a fighter and bust ass 2 support us...they will know who was there...i love watching them laughing at themselves from dancing and fallin down and being silly...haha i am going 2 join them and just have fun and laugh...

*sighs*

09.12.04 (6:49 am)   [edit]
hmm so far today once again i have not accomplished a damn thing....what is wrong with me...is depression hitting me harder as i write...last night was something...i was talkin with james and we where laughing and enjoyin our conversation...everything seems 2 be heading into something great...this scares me i am afraid it will fall like the rest did...should i push him away..or should i go forward and see what happens...god things feel right with him...i see a future with these guy..he has a head on his shoulders he loves kids..he has a job and his own place he is on his feet lets just say this...he wants a family and does not care that i have kids already..he has already told his friends about me and some of his family...they wish him luck...did u ever want 2 work at something so hard and make sure it works no matter what well james and i both want this...ugh but i have been hurt so much i tend 2 push people away...

dead beat dads

09.11.04 (11:07 am)   [edit]
OMFG I CAN SPIT NAILS....MY KIDS DAD IS AN TOTAL ASSHOLE..HE GETS THEM ONE DAY A WEEK...AND HE SAID HE CANT TOMORROW HE HAS PLANS...I AM SO SICK OF THIS SHIT...SO NOW I HAVE 2 TELL MY KIDS ITS OK AND COMFORT THEM FOR HIS STUPID ACTIONS I HAD ENOUGH I WANT 2 SAY FUCK HIM AND SELL THE HOUSE AND GO...HE DOES NOT DESERVE MY KIDS LOVE...HE DOES THIS SHIT WHEN HE HAS A NEW G/F HE THROWS HIS KIDS 2 THE SIDE...NOW HE KEEPS CALLIN ME AND SAYIN SHIT..HE IS TRYIN 2 SEND ME OVERBOARD..I THINK HE JUST MIGHT HAVE WON..I CANT BREATHE I CANT MOVE...HE HAS ME CRYIN UPSET HE KNOWS HOW 2 PUSH THE BUTTONS HE KNOWS THE RIGHT ONES...FUKKIN MAKE IT STOP...I NEED HELP I AM LOSIN THIS I AM LOSIN MYSELF...MY HEAD HURTS I CANT FOCUS....I CANT SEE UGH I HAD IT...

need 2 focus

09.11.04 (10:36 am)   [edit]

i need 2 really get a grip on myself...i feel myself drifting off 2 a place i should never go....thats a place with feelings...i wish i could be cold hearted and not give 2 shitz about anything or anyone...but thats not me so i guess i am faced with just dealin with my feelings...grrr i just want 2 scream....so much shit is running through my head..fine this is what this blog is for 2 type what is on my mind so here it goes....i want someone 2 love me...really love me...i want 2 feel special for once...but loren has so fucked up my head...john showed me never trust or love someone...bill showed me i am not pretty enough....how can i focus on anything  feeling all that shit...god my head hurts..i want 2 be free of this pain and these feelings...focus this is what i keep tellin myself...wake up each day and keep putting these thoughts in the back of my head and move on...i have so much negative people in my life...i need 2 drop them and move on and get more postive life going for myself..i decided today 2 try 2 stop drinking..all that does for me is set me further into depression something i want out of...u know the sad part of this all is there has not been a time in my life i felt focused...since i can remember my life has been hell...my childhood sucked ass...my dad left me at the age of 5...my mother became a drunk and would leave me 2 defend for myself....then she brought this man into our lives who would beat and fight with us everyday...oh i would pray each night for my dad 2 come back and save me...years go on same shit beating and fighting...but this time i am not able 2 think straight..come now age 5...i should not be focusing on anything but playin with my toys..yet i was focusing on how 2 stop this situation...as i got older things got worst...teenage years..i realized i did not need my mom i was raising myself she was always drunk...my mother would not get rid of this drunk ass b/f so i had 2 deal with him and his ways...he was so messed up on alcohol he did not realize the things he was doin...he tried 2 sleep with me....i remember begging him 2 leave my room....tellin him i would scream and tell my mother...he ran...this kept happening he would come 2 my room at nights i could not take it...i would try 2 focus on what 2 do....so i told my best friend what was going on..and we decided 2 tell her mother...well we all end up at my house tellin my mother what was going on...she screamed at me and yelled at me and told me it was my fault...and how she will not throw him out...there is where i lost any love for this women...how can u let your child suffer...i got cold...i could not think or feel...i met bill and i think i was just lookin for a way out...and in time i was out of that house i was living with bill and his parents...and i was able 2 breath...but months went on and i got pregnant and i could not stay at bills place it was 2 small 2 have a baby there...so i had 2 go back 2 my mothers house...a place where i never wanted 2 go back...i pleded with my mother 2 get rid of him...but she didnt...instead she warned him if anything ever happen 2 me or my baby he would never see tomorrow and that the drinkin had 2 stop...i woke one day realizing the drinkin had stopped and there was no more fighting in my mothers house...it felt good 2 be relaxed in that house...now i have a relationship with my mother and she tells me everyday how she is sorry and how much she loves me...and now that man is my step dad and he shows alot of love towards me and my kids..but still in the back of my head i see how he was and i cant ignore that...

my day

09.11.04 (6:59 am)   [edit]

haha my day...all my day is going 2 be is cleaning and laundry and washing my truck...oh joy!!!...ugh i need a hobby...i have 2 wait until the doctors reach me before i start my kick boxing classes...i think this is going 2 really help me...good stress reliever...ugh 12 already and not started a damn thing..just woke...did u just have a day where u think u will not accomplish a damn thing..no matter how hard u try....i feel this way today...i hate hot coffee..but i think i will make some 2 wake me...ugh my truck needs clean in and out..i wish i could turn my house inside out also..ugh havin kids and there junk it gets crowded...haha soon the kids r not going 2 be happy i am renting a dumpster and throwing there shit away...it needs 2 be done if i dont do now the toys and clothes will rule my home lmfao...they dont even play with there toys they r the age now that riding there bikes is more important..anywho i am goin 2 go make a pot of coffee...yippy i will be jumpy all day lmfao...

not awake

09.11.04 (6:26 am)   [edit]
ugh i hate sleepies in the corner of the eyes...so i had a dream last night something i do not do...it was me standing in the middle of know where with know one there..and its getting dark and i am fearing the darkness...i start 2 hear noises not sure what it is or where it is coming from...i started 2 worry scared for my life....something starts 2 chase me i start 2 run and i am running for hours it seems...tears flowing down my face....face has this worried look on it....i am screaming what do u want...when i turn its me...i am chasing myself...i think i need 2 get my act straight...i am running around lost and i need 2 find myself fast...i have 2 start doin for myself and not so focus on others at this time...this feeling of not controlling of myself is scarin me...i listen 2 this song danzig cant speak...my friend online has this playin on her blog..and i really listen 2 the words on this...lets just say i can relate 2 this song...

i am done

09.10.04 (6:26 pm)   [edit]
god i am so done with john and his fucked up attitude...now he says i have everyone think he is trash..i see this way...be yourself and dont lie and stop fakin like anyone matters in that chat room...there only a few i care about in that room..he is not one of them...its funny how i went from lovin this man 2 now disliking this man...and it actually feels good...i could care less if i ever see his face again...so glad he lives 2 hours from me...i cant believe i pushed my friend away thinkin john was something special and here the hole damn time my friend was right about him...i say i am sorry evl...i should of listen...i mean he told me soon they will show there true colors and he did not lie....i mean its cool u dont want a relationship but john was just being an ass in the room when we broke up...why should i have 2 sit there and read that bullshit,...ugh pa 4 nothing but fukkin drama...well i removed him from my list and i am done....goodbye john

why do i bother

09.10.04 (4:27 pm)   [edit]
why do u put myself into situations 2 fail...its like ok i am talkin with this guy and i want things 2 work...but for some reason he seems different today i am not sure if its him or me...he seems so perfect...what i have been lookin for along time...i guess it is scarin me...stupid right...*sighs*...i want 2 not push him away....i fear i will...just cause i am scared of being hurt again...i gave john my heart and he just treated it like shit....and i just cant deal with that shit anymore....i want someone that we will be for each other forever...where no one else matters just us and our family and friends...the outsiders dont matter....i want a man that i can trust..laugh with..cuddle with...have serious conversations with...and be silly with...and just enjoy life with...but i guess that is askin alot...i keep tellin myself in time..in time i will be happy...this sadness has 2 stop....so i walk around this world misguided and lost

WTF!!!!!!!

09.10.04 (4:12 am)   [edit]
omfg i could scream...why tell me why there r so many rude ass people in this fucked up world...why bash me for my thoughts or how i look for comfort...fuck u...u know shit..u fear bring yourself out 2 this world...well i do not fear 2 open myself up and express myself...I AM ME DAMMIT...u will never be me...you talk like u r some kind of saint...who the fuck r u....i know who i am...u pretend 2 be someone else...afraid 2 show your true colors....u pretend u live this colorful life..yet i know the truth your life is probably dull and gray...fuck u...ignorant people r the ones that bash people..so u dont like something it does not fit u personaly..so be it..why bash others for the fact they r comfortable with this...maybe this is closure for alot of people...once again i ask who the fuck r u...

Morning!!!

09.10.04 (3:13 am)   [edit]
Well good sign James and i r still talkin...haha...i know that alot of u r wondering who is james...well people that know me of course...Well i am not yet ready 2 tell who he is...i am so tired james and i sit up and talk until 3am..I feel bad he has invited me 2 so many things this weekend and i turn them down..what is the matter with me..i think i just fear that fact that men in my past has hurt me and i just assume he will..there is a guy that i met recently and i would like 2 say this..he is a cool ass dude and i would hangout with him anytime..he is young and the more i thought about it i would ruin his life if i decide 2 make anything else out of it...i have 3 kids he needs 2 go out and see what this fucked up world is all about..not be tied down 2 kids...so u ask me why do i feel james is ready...well one he is not this young as this one and plus he told me my kids does not bother him..he said actually he is happy about me havin kids..which is so great...john had a problem with me havin kids...dont get me wrong he liked my kids...but he could not deal with them 24/7..the more i look into john it would of never worked out my kids r a huge part of my life something i would never give up for anyone..all i know waking up and not wondering what john is doin is feeling great..i am happy i can move on now and let that part of my life go...

boring!!!

09.09.04 (7:36 pm)   [edit]
well i sit in this chat room that i chat in god does it suck ass...there r just people i rather not deal with in there now..ones that think they r all that..so sick of that type of people...but anyways here in a few i will be talkin with james..i like talking with him..we did alot of joking around today in pm's he is something lol...god right now all the girls r drooling over a guy..they look so stupid...my god just be yourself..omg i am wet just from hearing your voice..plz come now that is just sick...come fuck me voice haha sounds more like someone is chokin him lmfao...i am in a mood right now some people put me in these moods...hmm some would come 2 think i just might have had it with pa 4....anywho its time 2 call james and have a normal ass conversation

about time

09.09.04 (5:00 pm)   [edit]
about time its peaceful now..kids r in bed and i have my time now...oh how i love my time....2 just sit back and collect my thoughts...funny how everyone wants 2 know who this james is....well i am not ready 2 expose him yet...i find him very interesting and i enjoy our conversations...he is so different from the others i talk with...there r 2 people i talk with everyday on here that i enjoy talkin with..and both of these people i keep a secret...it seems when u tell everyone it back fires..so um someday when i am not on here u will know why...just mabye one of these actually worked out...the other one i talk with i have my doubts..he has some things he has 2 workout with someone..but james he seems like the nice guy next door type..the one u can cuddle up with and just talk...like walkin on the beach and just talkin about anything that comes 2 mind...where the one seems he will have issues in his life...james i know u read this and its cool...i am not hiding anything from anyone...this is who i am..except me or not that is your choice

in the chat room

09.09.04 (3:25 pm)   [edit]
god this shit is getting so stupid anymore...people dont make sense....its like why do i go in there anymore...johns makes an ass out of himself..half the time i cant stand 2 read what he types...so i left chat twice now when he is in there..i have nothing 2 say 2 him...actually he makes my stomach twisted in knots..its a sick feeling..maybe this means i am finally over him..chat means nothing 2 me anymore..certain people i enjoy talkin with and they know who they r...but the others that think they r gods gift 2 something is rather getting on my fukkin nerves...haha i hope john passes out soon...i should just put him on iggy and then i wont have 2 deal with his stupid comments he makes about his life..its funny people actually thinks he is jokin about his life he is so tellin the truth...its funny how he talks shit on people in the room yet talk with them like nothing is wrong...thats what makes me feel our relationship was a joke...i think he was never serious from the begining actually i am glad i am seeing his true colors for onces

ugh

09.09.04 (3:05 pm)   [edit]
so i go 2 work everyday and coming home i regret it...i know when i walk in the door i have 2 get kids ready for bed have them take showers...get clothes out for school the next day and homework...its starting 2 get 2 me..its all on me every night..i hate being a single parent..i am stressing..while there dad is out doin his own thing..he gets his kids one night and a day that is it...i work 2 jobs and take care of the house and the kids...why do u we think one person should be the parent..god dammit dead beat parents...i am sick of fighting with these kids every night for them 2 do there homework...ugh i want 2 run away...i call there dad and explained that he needs 2 get more involved in there lives..of course he makes excuses...he has alot of shit 2 do..haha...like i have nothing 2 do...yeah i have so much free time....ugh...god when does this shit get easy...oh the best part of everyhting is when they say hey u get money...money lmfao....my god...the money we do get is not enough..god school clothes alone is exspensive and the all the other shit the school wants your child 2 have...fuck i pay taxes and shit give my child pencils and all he needs cheap bastards...as u can see i guess i am havin a bad day

none

09.09.04 (9:27 am)   [edit]

ugh its time for work and i regret going...so much is expected of me...why do i find myself wanting others 2 except me..what does it matter..who cares..who r u..what makes u special....god i wish i could stay in this world today this world of i dont care what happens and just sit back and read the room and ponder on some of the shit people say..instead i have 2 face this real world that i so dont get..will i ever understand this world...

tom cruise

09.09.04 (7:15 am)   [edit]
i have 2 write about this...so who thinks tom cruise is sexy...haha...anywho..i meet this guy with some other people from chat..yeah yeah some r probably sayin bad idea...well it turns out the other 2 people where cool ass people i would hang with them anytime...here is where the night became interesting...i am waiting for this other person 2 show up..and all of sudden i see this man walkin across the room i am like damn he is hot..nice body..nice looks..nicely dress..lookin good...soon as he opened his mouth it went bad...this man is so stuck on himself its sad...so i started callin him tom cruise look alike..if i was this man i would of left..but haha he stuck it out..night comes 2 a end and by this time i am ready 2 go home i mean u can only put up with so much shit lmfao..so we all say goodbye and he hugs me and taps me on my ass..i am thinkin oh goddddddd why did he do this...so i go home he text messages me he wants 2 come over lmfao....i am laughing i am like is this dude nutz...so i told him no..then he is like meet me at the park..i sat for a few seconds and say sure i will meet u...some of u may think  this is wrong but i thought it was great..so i get there he gets out of his blazer i get out of my truck and i am like dude why do u act like u r the shit....he laughs tryin 2 get me 2 shut up and he kisses me...i aint goin 2 lie that kiss was great...but i thought girl plz remember what type of men this is...so he was getting all hot and bothered he wanted something he wanted it right then...i was like look here asshole...i said u r nothing in my eyes u r selfish and u need 2 check yourself...by this time he is pissed he is horny and he wants it now...but i aint doin shit with this asshole...he calls me jealous...JEALOUS...of what his penis or that he can stand and pee..no i just made him realize no every girl is on his dick..people need 2 check themselves cause in my book he is one ugly ass dude and its his attitude that sucks...attitude carries alot i would say on how a person looks...

pissed

09.09.04 (6:36 am)   [edit]
what the hell..i am tryin 2 go take a nap before work i hear this noise..here come 2 find out its comin from my basement sounds like i broke a waterline i rush down the stairs water is pouring into my basement from a window...i go outside and morons from the next house is pumping out there basement and the water is going into my house...they look at me like i am stupid and say yeah well our basement is wet what do u want us 2 do..what fukkin idiots ever hear of putting the hose on the fukkin road and letting the water run down the street...where do some of these people get there fukkin brains from a cracker jackbox...ugh its always something going on in my life nothing simple..so now my basement has puddles in it no one wants 2 do shit about this...yet the city is the one 2 blame...they r building this house next door but come now the city do something right for a change plz...our police and city help people r morons...i am so pissed..i own this fukkin house i dont need all this damn drama...fuck just do your job right and everyone is happy....

things r different

09.09.04 (4:29 am)   [edit]
do u ever wake up and realize nothing is the same...like wakin up next 2 someone and wondering what u saw in him years ago...or your taste for food or your style of clothes...alot of people fear different...like a color of a mans skin..or someone who is missing a leg or other body parts...i like 2 be different...makes u who u r...u r u no one else can be u..that makes u different..so why do u fear being different...why do we try 2 be like everyone else...why cant u except being different...there is nothing wrong with being different..think about it if everyone was the same how boring life would be...i mean ok the dude walkin down the street with his nose pierced and his hair stickin up in the air might scare u...but he is being himself "DIFFERENT"...people want normal...WTF is normal...god someone explain 2 me what normal is...i do not see anyone normal...normal 2 me is boring..its like u wake up and u do the same shit everyday nothing new..WAKE THE FUCK UP...we do not live forever...so go out and be different and enjoy life in this fucked up world...

all good

09.09.04 (2:54 am)   [edit]
ok so james reaches me and feels really bad for what his friend was sayin in the background...its sad when someone has 2 apologizes for someones elses actions..why do we feel the need 2 do that...its not us who r rude and makes an ass out of ourselves...i told him not 2 worry about it...i find him interesting wanting 2 know more about him..i laugh he talks alot and its kinda cute..i have no idea where this will lead me...he has invited me 2 a concert this saturday its 2 early i am not ready..god me dealin with men lately has been not so good...i dont want 2 ruin anything...i think he could be a person i could enjoy...ugh everytime i think that it turns out bad....it just had me thinkin when i thought john would of worked out..ugh why does john matter so much..i want 2 forget him and move on..why cant i put closure on that..i know deep down john is not the type of man for me..he is not wanting the same shit out of life..ugh why do i stress over this...when it comes 2 relationships i am lost in this world

Grrrrrrrr!!!!!

09.08.04 (6:11 pm)   [edit]
:evil:...fuck this i cant take much more of pa fukkin 4...people just dont understand or just dont care 2 understand someone else way of dealin with live..fuck u..let me deal with shit my way...let me do as i please..stop bashing my thoughts and the way i carry myself...u r not better then me u never will be..i stand tall i carry my own...u r nothing in my eyes..u r words on a screen that makes no sense..who r u...who r u pretending 2 be....u r nothing...nothing i can see...i will keep bloging until i feel i dont need 2...fuck what u think...

rude

09.08.04 (5:59 pm)   [edit]
so i sit on the phone with a guy....i think he wants 2 get 2 know me...and in the background i hear this loud mouth friend of his..god this guy sounds rude something i do not want 2 deal with..this puts tenison on me and james i just wanted off that phone...but now i think i fucked up on getting 2 know james...why do i care what does it matter...men only fuck with my head anyways..i guess my mr right is somewhere out there...yeah right....so i come 2 think i should just stay single and not worry about the dating and the relationships...2 much drama....i just cant believe how rude this guy was...but i know james is not like this at all..we talked for 2 hours on the phone just talkin about our lives and what we had gone through...it was nice....it was nice not 2 wonder if he wants in my pants...god i cant sleep i think i should take a sleepin pill tonight i need 2 sleep and relax my body...why do women fall everytime...what cant we play the game like the men... 

dammit

09.08.04 (3:44 pm)   [edit]
:( FUCK ME!!!!!!...i let him win i let that man chase me out of the room...what kind of power does he have...i cant let go...i sit in a puddle of tears wondering when this will stop..everything i say he makes it out like i am nothing...where did i go wrong...i hate this...i do not like this feeling i have...so he read my blog so what...so he did not like some of what i wrote...deal with it..its my thoughts its what i feel....its funny how some people can just move along like nothing matters 2 them...but then again this a man that does not remember yesterday so go figure...i am not tryin 2 put him down..i am just tryin 2 understand his coldness he presents 2 me...its something i am sure i will never understand or maybe i just dont care 2...i am going 2 go and rest....my body hurts i am in pain...i feel a numbness crossing over my body...i feeling of nothing crosses my mind and i now stare at this blog with nothing more 2 say

ugh!!!

09.08.04 (2:51 pm)   [edit]
god what do i do..he is online..how i want 2 pm him and tell him i missed him...why why...all he will do is hurt me...why do i fool myself in believeing this man give 2 shitz about me...i need something 2 focus on something 2 get my mind off him...certain smells i think of him..certain noise i hear reminds me of him...this man touch a part of my life i thought i lost long ago...and how i feel it slipping away from me once again..i need 2 be strong stand my ground and not let him get the best of me...easy said then done...i have gone out on dates and i always come back 2 thinkin of him..WTF is wrong with me....this man left me cause he is way into his drinkin thats more important 2 him now then anything...he has said this 2 me so many times...ugh i cant focus..i will try later

cant get enough

09.08.04 (2:11 pm)   [edit]
god this is addicting...i cant stop bloging haha....its like sex once u have it u cant stop..haha now theres a topic sex!!...its funny how people think sex is the most important part in a relationship...hmm is it...my thoughts on this is no...i would rather...haha ok ok..of course i want some sex time from time..but it does not make the relationship..or does it...haha its like ok he has a small penis..do u end the relationship??...but what if he is everything u want in a man...do u overlook the small penis haha...hmmm everything i want..yet small penis...hmmm...well i would hope he was good with the tongue if he was then i would keep him and deal with the small penis...i just wonder how many of u would just walk away from the small penis man lol

Friendship

09.08.04 (1:28 pm)   [edit]
hmm friendship..now that is a subject..or topic...whatever u like 2 call it...i recently lost a friendship..i guess 2 me friendship means u would not want 2 ever hurt this person....well maybe i should explain...i had a friend that i thought of as my own sister someone i would do anything for...we became friends through other people and sometimes u would think in ways we where the same person...we both r caring and lovin people...but also stubborn...it was hard at first she dated my boyfriend and they had a friendship still which was cool...until she showed me that it did not matter how i felt or what ment so much 2 me...it seems its her way or the highway...so i took the highway...i cant deal with people like that...let me explain more about that also...my ex and i where broken up and he came 2 return some of my stuff and we got 2 talkin and it was nice cause all we where doin for days was fighting...he was tellin me how he cared and how he still loved me and holding me and kissing me...how i did not want him 2 go...i wanted for us 2 talk more and get this all out...well this friend that i thought i had needed him 2 fix things at her place...and i guess he promised...but honest...why could she not wait...she claim she wanted us both happy..why could she not let john stay and talk with me...she threw a fit screaming and yellin at him..he looked at me confused not sure what 2 do..he knew if u left me i would be upset..he knew if he did not run 2 her she would of been upset...come 2 find out he went home...all she had 2 do was let us have that one day nothing more nothing less...so now i am 2 face her in the chat room...a room i go 2 get away...its hard i want 2 scream at her i want 2 ask why did u have 2 be that way...in ways i think she wants john back...i think she just got 2 damn comfortable with him...and no one is like john in her eyes...so its rather funny her ex is my friend he is like my brother he comes by and makes sure i am doin ok...see he had his doubts about these 2 being so close of friends...he really believes there was sex involved...i mean its cool u r friends and would do anything for anyone...but there comes a time in life where when u r dating someone they should come first...she would always put john first..but i cant say john put her first....being a part of those 2 peoples lives was adventure let me tell u that...i feel like they r a drug gone bad...addicted at first then holy fuck u at the end...but i am off this drug and it was a hell of a ride...i just hope someday they both realize maybe they should try hookin back up..or back off alittle and let others in...not everyone is bad...but stop fukkin with people heads its not cool

is it over!!!!

09.08.04 (11:28 am)   [edit]
Well i made it out of this...god the feeling of layin there hopin the cancer did not spread 2 area's where they could not reach..i did not want 2 have surgery but they did tell me from my last visit that i had more this time...now they said the cancer is gone i am clean of it...but i sit and wonder is it over will it come back..how do u go on and not think about it...well i am not over this yet..next couple days they will call me 2 tell me if this will return or i will be ok..god the pain...i am in so much pain...i laid in bed not able 2 move...they say god does not give u something unless he thinks u can handle it....god this time was scary...i did not think i was going 2 be able 2 collect myself....my mind ran and never stop running not for sec..there r couple of chat friends of mine that have cancer also...god i pray for them and hopes they r ok...one of them i am so close 2 she is like my sister she had 2 deal with this cancer god for years and now she has a new born and now they think she has the cancer back..i feel for her i wish i could do something....ever sit and wonder why all the good people get cancer or die in ways they just should not die...what is that sayin...i want 2 do something...but what...what can i do...i will just remain lost in this world...

fear sets in

09.08.04 (6:50 am)   [edit]
well i have an hour now 2 be ready for my doctors appointment...i am so dam pissed i thought i could trust in someone with what i face in life...i should of know better never 2 trust a man...i met him online and spent sometime with him...now i feel stupid...what was i thinkin..no one cares..they r out of themselves...he ignores me now...like i am nothing...i am facing something i dont want 2 today and he is not helpin...instead he gives me negative shit...i do not need this in my life...i need someone that is there no matter what...god wtf is wrong with people..r we this fukkin cold...I AM SO DAMN SCARED!!!!!!!!!.....as for this man...u could of had a friend that no matter how u acted i would of been there...u just could not stand and take the heat of me fearing for my life...so i walk this path alone in this world

chat

09.08.04 (5:40 am)   [edit]
what can i say about chat....oh that i have been on yahoo for years..maybe thats why i am fucked in the head....nah really i met some cool ass people..and actually learn from some of the best...chat 2 me is a my world i do what i like and i run this world...if i dont like it i shut it off...if i dont want 2 hear i mute it...in the real world if i shut off i dont come back..i could be silent in the real world would that matter much..i like the feeling of just escaping the real world and going into a place where u can be whatever u like...u can act how u like...in the real world 2 much is expected of me...as a mother i am 2 be a parent...as a worker i am 2 do my job...but in my world i am not a mom i dont work...i am free...flyin and enjoying all the weird people and all the shit that people type some say i am addicted...so i answer yes u r right i am...does that make me a bad person 2 want 2 get out of this world we say we love yet we make this world suck ass...its us u and me that make this world...yet we sit and bitch about how things suck....well do something about it...yeah u r right what can we do..who is going 2 listen 2 us...do u ever go into a chat room and just sit and read what people say..some of it is gross..some of it makes no damn sense..some of makes u laugh..and some of hits home...that is whats great about chat..u feel everything all at once..there is so much i want 2 talk about...so much i want 2 say...its just getting it on here i am finding hard 2 do...its like right now so many of u r reading my shit...does it bother me...no...this is me..this is who i am...oh dont let me forget the fakes on chat..who r afraid 2 show there true colors...its ashame..damn be yourself...why r u so afraid 2 show your true self...so i say i am lost in the world..yet in my world i am found

Men

09.08.04 (3:44 am)   [edit]
god this is a terrible subject for me.....it starts out me giving a man bill my life at 16 and stayin with him for 10years and in those years getting married havin kids buyin a home and havin everything...u would think that is great and why bitch....haha also dealin with hitting..screaming...and cheating...how he would make me feel not wanted not good enough and not pretty enough...so now i am stuck with mortgages and bills and not much of any emotions..now i am left 2 fight for me and my kids and do the things he was suppose 2 do forever...next guy in my life came quickly after bill i think it was a rebound thing...god what the hell was i thinkin i let him move in....that was just bad from the start..this man tony thought he was madly inlove with me and could not get enough of me...so whats so bad about that...haha so inlove with that he did not have a job and relied on me 2 support his ass for the most part of us being together and lied 2 me from the start...i think i was with him for 6months ..decided i could not take much more of his following me around like a lost puppy so that ended...months later i go and meet up with loren a man that totally ruin me what i left from bill...this man would hit me choke me...he had so much control of me...i feared this man...at times i found myself fighting for my life..screaming and cryin 2 make him stop...oh the best part was explain the marks on my body 2 family and co workers....i did not know how 2 get out of this...i tried 2 kill myself but the bastard caught me and beat me of course...i felt me slip away from myself into a body that did not care i was cold and did not feel anything...he forced me 2 have sex and told me i was 2 get prego and that was that...how i would pray each night for this not 2 happen...haha yeah right god listen 2 me plz...i got prego but at the same time i found somewhere inside of myself 2 get this fucker out of my life and home and i did..i had him removed by the police and i went and ended my pregnancy something i will deal with for the rest of my life..something i never wanted 2 do...i mean i have 3 kids now...2 of which r twins...i love kids...but this child would be a reminder that i let a man control me and make what happens in my life and i could not live with that...some might think i deserve that some might just understand...there was a guy named john would before i met loren would talk with me about everything he would call me and say ok bitch..scream..cry..whatever u have my attention...wow about time i have someones attention...i thought it was just a friend someone i could just talk with about anything...but as i was with loren i would find myself wondering what john was doin and hopin he was ok...when i fell after loren..john was there 2 pick me up and dust me off...it was great i had my friend back someone i loved so much...things with john and i changed...we where just not friends anymore we where lovers...how i felt comfortable layin in his arms and listening 2 his heart beat i would always fall asleep in his arms thats how comfortable i felt...the first time john told me he loved me was a night we where out drinkin and havin a good time..i just ignored it i thought he cant love me this cant be happen...he told me he could never love someone or be with anyone cause of past relationships goin bad...but come 2 find out he really did...it was the best thing that has happen 2 me...someone finally loved me for me and nothing more or nothing less...we dated for months bad thing was he lived 2 hours from me which i did not mind but think he did...then he got back on the whiskey and drugs and he left his minded there was no talkin with him he was lost...so i guess u can guess what happens next...yeah he breaks it off...i was lost confused and misguided...not sure where i went wrong..what did i do...days go on and he does not want 2 talk...finally he does and tells me its not me that he thinks i am a wonderful person i he still loves me its just him and he is a drunk and basically i can do better then him...maybe he is right maybe i can...but i love this man...remember when i told u i could not carry that baby...well when i made the choice 2 end it he was there for me...tellin me its ok and no matter what he was here...trust me it was not easy takin that step in ending that and i am not some cold person that does not feel....i almost died from makin that choice in my life john had 2 rush 2 me 2 the hospital weeks after i had that done...i was bleeding 2 death yeah some of u say good u should of died yourself...trust me everyday i think i should of also...but for some damn reason i didnt...thats when i saw the love of this man standing by side me not judging me just being there for me...so its hard 2 walk away of john 2 just say u mean nothing 2 me...he means the world 2 me...but its over i ended that chapter in my life..i will always wonder about john...ugh just typin this the tears flow...i never felt love the way i do when i think of this man...this is where i am lost in the world

Cancer

09.07.04 (9:29 pm)   [edit]
so i cant sleep...who could sleep knowing soon they will have 2 deal with the fact they really do have cancer and its time 2 remove it...yeah its uterus cancer...now right now there is someone sayin well that aint all bad she can have that removed with no problems why is she so worried...its CANCER dude...something my family fights and never wins...huh maybe i will always a first right...haha why am i foolin myself...nothing ever goes my way...maybe this is a way out of this world...maybe this is my ticket out...so i sit and listen 2 people tellin me its ok and u will be fine do they realize i have one of the number illness that kills people...my favorite is someone sayin good luck...wtf..good luck..how can u tell someone that..its funny how some cant look at u or talk with u about this shhhhhhh word..cancer....fukkin say it CANCER...if u whisper it scream it..its all the damn same...i just wish i did not have so much anger...wish i knew how 2 release some of it...maybe writting about it will...therefore i wont get good luck..its just me and my thoughts and how i feel...why r so many people stupid...i just want someone 2 have the ballz and say yes u have cancer yes u could die yes it could spread..instead of sayin its ok and u will be ok...ugh i am so stressed out..i am takin sleepin pills 2 sleep at nights..decided not 2 take one tonight....so its going 2 be a long night..

Lost

09.07.04 (8:55 pm)   [edit]

So this is where life leads me...2 a empty box...i feel lost..why u ask in 11hours i am 2 face something that i never thought i would have 2 face..so u sit and wonder what am i facing...CANCER!!..i am facing cancer...11 hours i will be layin on a bed waiting for me 2 go off in some place in my mind...so i sit now...should i cry...should i scream...should i be mad...why nothing ever goes right in my life...so why not CANCER!! it fits...i am so lost in the world...will i ever find myself or ever understand what the hell i am doin on this earth...i have so much anger not sure on how 2 release it...a normal person would be in bed at this hour and not havin anything on there mind...i am so not normal