stopping by
03.01.08 (6:37 am) [edit]have not been on here for awhile just stopping by 2 let some of u know i am still alive and doin great...work has been really busy working alot of hours each day...working some 7 day straight shit also..jim and i r still going strong and the kids r doin just wonderful also...really nothing has been a problem...so kinda stress less for once...hope 2 find some time 2 stop by again and really do some blogging...
No time....
10.20.07 (10:16 am) [edit]hmmm wonder what would happen if i could just stop time....If the Earth's rotation INSTANTLY stopped, everything not fixed to the Earth would continue to rotate around at the same velocity that they were before due to conservation of momentum. To us it would feel like a giant earthquake where the Earth would suddenly start "moving" in the opposite direction of the rotation. Buildings would collapse, the oceans would wash up onto land in large tidal waves, and there would be a large atmospheric wind shear at the surface. (The atmosphere is not attached to the planet either and would keep rotating too). Since we are traveling at about 460 m/s at the equator (about 1000 miles per hour) we would be tossed pretty far. (We wouldn't fly off the earth, though. Escape velocity is much higher.) As my officemate said when I told him about this question "We would be thrown into the wall at 1.5 times the speed of sound as the building was tipped off its foundation." ....
ok maybe i need to just take a few minutes to myself...not sure i want to deal with all that...i just feel like there is not enough time anymore...everything around me is movin so fast and i am not able to keep up with it all...i think its pretty damn sad with jim and i r talkin how our relationship use to be and how we miss those moments...and for the live of me i am not sure why we can not keep up what we miss so much...the world today is a mess...either both parents work to make a life or u end up a average person tryin to keep afloat or poor and not able to do shit...it would be so nice to jump back into time on a tv show lol...think about the tv show u would want to live in...i like leave it to beaver just cause the mother actually got 2 spend some time with the kids...or happy days lol...i guess i am sayin i miss spending that free time with the kids and i can not believe i am going to say this but actually i miss cleaning the house the right way not the hurry up and clean up way but the clean in every corner and pull out everything and all that...i totally miss doin that...now its rush and rush...my weekends r spent tryin to catch up on everything run around and pay this and do this...so come monday i am totally tired lol...ughhhhhhh what happen to relaxing on sunday's....what has come of this world....
clearing the head
09.29.07 (10:49 am) [edit]hooray for weekends
....i so needed a day off from work...work is getting pretty damn crazy...we r so busy and not enough people workin in the pharmacy so everyone is in a mood...i try to leave home problems at home and work problems at work but lately my mind has been crazy...jim workin now and never know when he will be home is a huge down fall...do not get me wrong i am glad he is out and workin and i see he enjoys it alot...its just managing everything myself is getting me down...not sure how i use to do it when i worked 2 jobs raised my children and how no help at all...i told jim it will take sometime but i will get it together...its just i feel like i have not enough time in a day...rush home get dinner on look over the kids homework study with ones that need extra help then straight up the home all that pretty jaz and then try to stay alert and awake to talk with jim when he gets home...by that time i am beat..i am on my feet for 8hours to come home and still be on them...i wake early so i can see my kids before school see jim off to work so i am pretty much done when i get home...
this weekend my kids dad came and got them...i decided to talk with him about the kids...for once i think he actually listen...see i am not sure why his girlfriend totally hates me...i never ask anything from him nor do i call him...he lives his life and i live mine...i raise our kids and he knows this...i handle everything and do everything...my kids r lucky if he gets them once or twice a weekend in one month...my kids miss there dad and i told him that...and his girlfriend treating me bad does not help matters and treating my oldest like shit is not workin either...what does she want me to call bill and ask for money and bother them...i am totally confused about the hold deal...i would think she would be happy that i am out of the picture and i do not bother them...god..if jim's ex was out of our lives like i am out of bill's how much life would be so much better...i swear this lady never sleeps and plans things out to keep making jim's life hell...his daughter lives with us and wants me to be a mother to her..do i do it???...i love marisa like a daughter and would love to be able to call her my daughter but i feel like i am stepping on her mothers toes...but then again her mother has told her many times to find a mother....how could u be so cold to your own child...
also during all this fine mess of things i was told my uncle has cancer...he lives in NC and my mom and aunt r flyin down to be with him...i am not sure how i feel about all this...something happen to me...i lost the tears...i know that totally sounds weird...but ever since my grandmother passed i have became empty in that department...like i totally get it now...i understand things happen for a reason and not everything we r going to like...i know everyone has a time and all we can do is cherish the moments we have with them...thats another thing i told the kids dad today cherish the moments u have with them let them know u love them and they mean something to you...u never know when it will happen to you...i stopped havin those dreams of my grandmother as if she never passed..that was totally freakin me out..but i can not make myself go and sit at her grave and talk with her...i am content talkin with her wherever i feel the need...maybe i am wrong i have no clue...thats why this blog is called lost in this world...and i am misguided..............
day to myself...
09.20.07 (6:52 am) [edit]kids r in school jim is at work....hmmm that leaves me to myself....haha i am totally lost...i am so use to getting up doin the hair get dress for work and out the door...hmmm its 9:41am i am in my pj's slippers hair a mess and it actually feels pretty damn good lol...had to cups of coffee so i got a little coffee buz going...started some laundry...figure soon here i will get a shower even though i took one with jim last night...but i get all the hot water i want lol...its hard when u have 6 people in a house all takin showers at night...to actually have a nice shower lol...so i figure take a nice long shower get dress get my check go shoppin by that time i will need to pick up kids doin a few things come home and start dinner...i actually like being super mom lol...i feel so relaxed listining to music...my son's b-day is tomorrow he will be 11...we will have a party this sunday for him...he is feelin a bit low...he misses his great grandmother this will be his first b-day without her...he was cryin the other night tellin me how much he misses her...i know the feeling to well as i miss her also...everything i do in life is because of her...i have stated many times in my blog what a wonderful person she was and how she was my world...a complete stranger would fall inlove with her personality...but i told him even though she is not right here she is still in our hearts and no one can take that from us...i really hope he enjoy's his day...but i do uderstand how he feels....but everything else is doin well...some chances since jim is back to work....but we r handling...well i am going to go and enjoy my time lol....wooooohoooooooo
had a few hours
09.06.07 (8:15 am) [edit]decided to come on and blog...had a few hours to myself today before work...kids r back in school and jim is on his first day of work...i am so proud of him...its so tough going from not workin for years cause of an injury to dusting himself off and heading out each day searching for a job...well he landed a job with fed-x...it was weird sayin goodbye to him...its me walkin out the door sayin i will see you later...
its so weird but i have butterflies all over again for him...we have been focusing on our relationship....how things go out of touch when u have children...we realized that most or actually all of our time is devoted to them...which do not get me wrong it should be....but i miss him...and i found out that he was feelin the same way...he is such amazing man...i am so happy we decided to go out on our first date...its weird we knew each other for so long and never pushed to take it any further...until we both where needing a friend to talk with....and he is my bestfriend
this summer i decided to focus on the family....everyday that i had off we went fishing or hiking spend time outside and enjoy life...i was not worried in keeping up my blog or what was on tv or watch the kids play video games...it was time for us to enjoy each other...sad part of it all is my kids dad made no attempts in seeing them...i think he enjoyed the fact that i was spending my time with them so he did not have to...as for marisa's mother she was just a pain in the ass like always...making sure jim did not see his son was one of the problems...jim would make plans with his son and she would turn around and say she had plans for them already so he could not come over and kept doin that the whole summer...but she can keep playin this game all she is doin is hurting herself....she thinks she is winning this game but i am not sure if she realized yet that we r not playin this game with her....we know in time his son will see what his daughter saw and things will be different...marisa does not want anything 2 do with her mother which we force her to talk with her on the phone...she is never happy about that but at least we r tryin 2 get her back intouch with her mother and not keepin her from her mother like what she is doin with the son...but enough about that women....
but i only have an hour before work and i need to get ready so maybe i will be intouch soon...i just am so into my family....hope everyone is doin well...
catching up on what's up this summer....
08.11.07 (7:24 am) [edit]Its been awhile since i have blogged but i have been spending my weekends fishing....i can not get enough of it...its nice to sit and spend time with the family and of course catch those big fish....it makes my stress level bottom out...but this week its vacation time...can not wait until we r away from all that is here...other then that work is going really well got a raise....go me lol...kids r getting ready for back to school that it self is stress!!!....but like i said its vacation time and no need to think about all that is going on here....of course we r takin our fishing poles with us... i can not go without that...Jim makes fun says i should have my own fishing show...funny thing about it i actually watch fishing on tv now to....ugh i crave to fish lol....i am not afraid to bait my pole or take the fish off...i really enjoy it....kids finished up there camp's its been a really nice summer...hiking...fishing...camp's...now the fun comes this week...can not wait to sit on the beach and enjoy the sun...most excited for the boat and really catch those big fish lol...well time to cut this short...for we leave in a few hours....thats it folks...enjoy the rest of your summer!!!!
How sad....
06.02.07 (3:45 pm) [edit]so went to this wedding....yep it started at 1...i had to be there 2 lite this candle so i had to go early...which means i arrive just on the minute...anyways i was no lookin forward to it at all....my dad's family had us sit with them which was rather nice...but anyways my dad comes to me and says u have to meet scott...you both will be lighting the candle...so i walk beside my dad all these people i have no idea who they r....and they scare at me like who in the heck is that...but so i get told the seventh song we will walk up and light these candles...never did i ever see a big issue with candles....yes i know its about bringing the families together and for them to come to as one....
But i got rather sick to my stomach when the wedding started...it was not nerves i was not scared i could careless what these wierd people thought of me...but it had me thinkin damn this is his 4th wedding...i hope he gets it this time around...then i am listening as the wedding is going on and them sayin there vows and stuff like promises and all....BOY he has a problem with that one...promises and my dad do not mix well...well at least with me and father i guess...so i am sitting there and i here how Judy should be the center of his attention....NICE...i am back on the back burner again with my father..not sure if i ever made it out of the back...but as the wedding was over and we where there havin the party lol...of course it was picture time.....
totally pissed me off.....look i am helping jim raise his daughter as he is helping me raise my children...i think marisa is my own child...no question asked...she lives with us and we r a family...well my dad's bride was sayin i want elaine and me and her father and just elaine's kids her kids in this picture...WHAT THE HELL....Marisa felt really bad....i explained that was not right and how i will talk with my father about all that bullshit...so i sat beside my dad's family and we where talkin...and my one aunt told me she talked with my dad and feels my dad and i need to talk....i said funny thing u said that i feel the same...seems my dad is not the big hit in the family...seems he has to work his way back into the family...pretty damn sad...maybe he should of thought about all that shit before walkin out on all of us and makin our lives hell.....
The day is almost here....
06.01.07 (5:41 pm) [edit]Tomorrow is a day i rather just miss....its my dad's wedding and i am so not lookin foward in it at all...when my dad called me for the first time after 16yrs i thought that we would be able to have this daughter and father moment...but i realized that i have major issues with him about all that has gone with us...i think i am rather selfish...i except my father to be there for me and on holidays spend it with me and not his family....dont get me wrong he should see them...but what about all those holiday's i never spent with him and all...would it hurt to come to my place first and spend some time with us then go 2 his family's house...i know selfish....i was cool with is fiance until she lied to me...see when u lie to me you lose alot of me....my father made the statement that no one is to break us apart and he would not have it....but u know what pisses me off....for 16yrs i would wonder everyday if my father was alive and well....16yrs of hell....and when i do not get back to him right away he is questioning if everything is alright...he has no idea how that feels...
so this wedding...which i was no part of....they decided to call me and ask if i would lite some candles for the wedding...awww how sweet lets have his daughter be nothing in this wedding...my aunt must of said something about my your daughter is no part of this....i just feel like i will never fit in with him...so i decided to have a talk with him after his wedding...i would not do it at his wedding or before i am not rude....but i am rather tired of how things r going...either be in my life or just go away...i never could understand how parents could just forget about there child....
nice spent time with the family....
05.31.07 (5:20 am) [edit]well i had sat-mon off which was totally wonderful....sat we went hiking again it was great...we where enjoyin all the amazing rocks and trees and such i have some wonderful pictures i will put them on if this girl can figure out how to lol...anyways this time i was able to keep on my feet and not on my ass...but there where others that just was havin a rough time lol...lets see my son oh he weighs about 95lbs decide to use me as a steppin stone...he used my knee and my chest lol...lets just say i have nice bruises on my knee and my sisters lol..but i felt for jim's daughter see we have to climb some of these rocks on these trails and well she had a tiny hole in her pants...lets just say when we reached the truck her ass was hangin out and a nice hole in the front....oh how i am thankful she had shorts on underneath lol....but the look was something lol...
so sunday i decided we should all go fishing...i only have been fishing once in my life but i want my kids to try different things in there life so i try to share things with them...so lets see jim had two poles which left us to buy ohhhhh 4 poles for the kids bait and of course our licenses...so we go to the damn sitting there enjoying watch the kids do there thing and my daughter is like i got one...the look and smile on here face was totally awesome and i was the next one to catch one...as the hours went by the storm started heading in which made our fishing trip short which totally sucked....but it was cool cause we just went the next day....but someone came home fried...lets just say i am so fried that i can not see where my knee cap is....its so swelled its gross...and i had to go back to work tuesday...pain pain....but all in all i had a great time with the family....and of course we cooked out on monday..who doesn't...
how to make it stop..........
05.18.07 (5:19 am) [edit]question does anyone have a normal life???...I thought i had a pretty normal life until all the drama came about...
i thought family stick together....Jim's family is totally out there his sister is major drama queen...Jim decided to talk to about all the shit that is going on with his ex and him...yeah it continues she called Jim the other day and asked him if he still thinks about them....lets see its been 5yrs or 6yrs and he has never made her believe there would be anything ever again...now let me remind you that she is married again...this woman is totally out there...she told jim that there son needs to speak with someone cause he wants his parents back together...hmmmm it could not be that she wants the same thing and is putting this in his head or anything....but back to the drama queen...she just can not keep her big mouth shout she ran and told his ex everything...what the hell....then of course that lead to her calling him...blah blah shit...is it ever going to stop???
so i decided to tell him to just stop tellin his sister anything since she feeds off drama...so he decided to stop talkin to her for awhile...now this is a girl that if you make her mad she will not talk with u for a couple of weeks...she called his cell and he did not answer it...she left a message sayin oh we r playin do not answer the phone game....i feel like we r back in grade school...
all i want in life is my children...jim and his kids...and my family..and enjoy life what i have left in it...i do not want to play these stupid games...but not sure how to stop all this bullshit...
sometimes i think it would be best if we just up and moved...but i know my mother could not handle that since my grandmother passing...but i am tired of wondering what is next...
if anyone knows how to stop all this bullshit...please tell me...cause i am so wanting it to end....
the battle.....
05.14.07 (5:30 am) [edit]well finally i got a day off...worked 7 days straight need time off...but we have a battle here in the house...jim's daughter and my oldest son...not sure why it is starting but they seem not able to get along...my son say's she think she is the boss...i understand she is 15 and thinks she knows all...he is 10 and he thinks he knows all 2...but i am tired of the talks with each of them over and over...not sure how to handle it...
i treat them all equal...even though she is not my blood i think of her as my daughter and i told my son no matter what happens he will always been my son and that i love him very much....he asked me if i wanted him to move out because they keep fighting...that crushed my heart i told him that would hurt me more then anything....being a single parent for years...i grew very close to my children...and i would do anything for them...and no one would separate us...i promised them when i decided to kick there dad out that i would be there for them and that we would be ok...and so far i have done that...and there is nothing in the future sayin i will not be there to help them....
i love jim with all my heart...when we got together i found myself again...i was mother mode and knew nothing more then that...he brought out other parts that i have totally missed...and i still want to marry him someday...but how do we handle this battle between our kids....i am not sure why this is even happening...i could see if we treated them different...but like i said its equal in this house...
may 7th came and gone....
05.08.07 (5:27 pm) [edit]well may 7th came and gone...31 great lol...i had a nice weekend though i was off the whole weekend so the kids and i and jim we did some planting and yard work it was a very nice weekend...i am not the type that will go out and see what i want for my b-day i am rather a simple kind of person...i rather have a homemade card then a store bought one...jim bought me a weepin cherry tree to put infront of the house and we added the rose bushes we bought and decided to honor my grandmother...its not the same without her...but how i dream of her almost every night as if she is still alive...what is wrong with me i can not feel as if she is gone...i really have not mourn over her....but yet i can not get myself to visit the grave site...as for her house i can not go there either....i just not sure if i am ready to let go....its been since january...everyone seems to be handling this pretty well...but as for me and my aunt we feel as if she is still alive...
my father is driving me nutz....he is getting married on june 2nd...which i totally think that is a joke but whatever....but he feels as if i should jump for him...i feel totally different in the matter i look at it as this he walked out on me when i was 5...he decided not to contact me he would enter and leave my life with no problems but then he left for 16yrs...appears again and thinks he can just pick up where he left...the only person i had in my life that totally got me was my grandmother....and along came jim and he totally gets me...as for my parents they r soooooo lost its not even funny....i am a simple kind of girl..do not expect much in life....rather just keep to myself and my family here at home...i know i should be more into my parents and i know i will not have them forever...but how can i over come all the pain my parents put on me....i just wish i had one more time to talk with my grandmother....
yesterday..........
04.13.07 (5:27 am) [edit]yesterday....it seems everyone around me was dealing with alot of shit...it seems the one pharmacisit i work with might just be in a pickle...really can not comment on what he did but he just might not be around...so working with him yesterday was HELL...its alot on my shoulders this job but in the same sense its rather fun...i love learning and tryin new things in life...growing up it always seemed like i got the short end of the stick or people would rather not give me the chance to show them i could actually do it....but man oh man the name of some of the medication is rather funny....haha it reminds me of the phone call i was on the other day...see when they do not pick up there meds after a period of time we must call them and remind them that there meds r here....and we r to say hi this is such and such and i am callin to let you know that u have a order here well i called and asked for howard haha and it was his wife...it seems as if howard is rather a bad boy and she was getting rather pissed to hear i was a female and i was askin for howard...but when i explained who i was she was now very nice and told me he was not in lol....so now at work i am known as the mistress lol....yep few weeks into this job and i am the mistress nice lol...
we have to deal with the old alot...and it can be very challenging with them...i have alot of time and i totally understand where they r coming from i watched my grandparents and i know what an illness can do to a person and the moods they get in....but mrs.scott was not havin it yesterday...she was not satified with our help in ordering her meds...we where very nice to her and took our time with her we spent 30minutes on the phone with her...when normally it takes no more then 5 minutes to order the meds....but this poor lady thought we where makin fun of her....for one i would never make another person feel that way i am not like that...but the other girls in the pharmacy said do not worry we know u took your time with her she must be havin a bad day....but i do not think anyone understands all the hard work we do there...its alot of work....but that is what this world has come down to...rush rush...hurry hurry....sad we should slow down and make difference in this world...
Pain.....
04.12.07 (5:09 am) [edit]Pain....i am in suck pain...2 days ago my man picked me up from work which was totally nice since i get tried of driving to work everyday it was nice to be picked up lol...anyways we where driving home and we where sitting at the light and it had turned the van infront of us went and we where turning...when jim started turning this lady on the otherside decided to go....now she was parked on the side of the street so that is why jim started turning she came flyin out of the parking stop so jim had to slam on the brakes...YEP...i flew foward and back so hard it made me see stars....i was so light headed...then the pain started kickin in when we where at home a few hours later...from the back of my neck down my spine...i took advil and used the heating pad thinkin it would work and i would be fine....omg was i wrong...i need something stronger....i soaked in the tub last night and was in bed at 6pm...i did not wake until this morning at 7:30...the other night i was up half the night not able 2 sleep....but it sucks tryin to type it hurts and at work it is screaming pain....but i just have to deal i guess...
Jim is feelin bad...i keep tellin him i am fine and that it is not his fault...shit if he would of not stopped she would of took my door off and i would of been really hurt....he says he is not takin me to work anymore....ugh...i hope he will get over it....
Mood........
04.05.07 (5:13 am) [edit]it just might seem as if nothing will make me happy...i thought getting this job in the pharmacy would change alot of my mood...nope...now i never get alone time with jim today is the first day i get alittle alone time with him...right now he is takin his daughter to school so i thought i would just let things out here a bit...so now i spend little time with him and more time with the kids lol...i just can not win...i could just work at home...but i like getting out and talkin with different people...so i have 2 days off here and easter sunday which is totally nice...one good thing about workin in the pharmacy i get the holidays off...do not get me wrong i like workin in the pharmacy its just i miss something...or i am totally lackin something...
so this lovely morning i get to spend a few hours with mom...her easter present to the children r saving's accounts which is nice...but i think she lives in the stone age she can not do it herself i must go lol...not a big deal i need to get my pay check anyways..but like i said i am in this mood....
friday my other day off i get to spend it with my dad and his girlfriend joy...remember mood thing here lol..anyways he is bringing over my children's easter presents friday cause he must attend his sister's house on sunday...god for bid he spend it with his daughter....thats one thing that totally pisses me off..my father has been out of my life for 16yrs and i would think he would want to spend a holiday with his daughter he says oh you r invited to attend your aunts house also...but we have havin a dinner here sunday...oh i give up on pleasing everyone there is no way i could ever win that one...
bill the totally jackass...yep he got the papers for me to finally sign...he called and demanded me last week to come and sign the papers with him...i laughed...look i would love to get divorce from this idiot and be done with him for good...well almost done...we do share children...which i could scream lol...but i was in the middle of doin something and i told him that we would have to pick another day for that cause i could not do it...he totally started giving me attitude...which sets me off each time...look when he left the only thing i asked from him was help raise the children that's it...i took over the house payments and the other loans we had at the time...i totally made it where he was off and he could start all over fresh....shit they wanted him to pay me...and i turn that down...but yep i am a bitch and i suck and all that pretty jazz....so he started tellin me how i do nothing with my children....i can not believe he went there with me...i take my children places i raise my children i do everything for my children...and i have my children 24/7....oh lets give bill some credit...3 weekends he has been pickin the kids up on saturday and keepin them over night and bringing them home sunday at 7pm....yep that makes him man of the year....totally jackass...anyways he stated how he does everything with the kids lol...yep he gets the kids one week in the summer they go up to the dam where his girlfriends parents camp and spend a week up there...so lets think about this...the cost for them is zero...lets see when i take my children places it cost me money...which i do take them to places...but yep he is still the man of the year...i just brought them a playstation 2 and went out and got them new clothes and stuff...and lets not forget who gets them presents for there b-day and christmas...shit he buys them one or 2 things for christmas that breaks that same day....but once again he is man of the year...and have the time he has to bring the kids home early cause he has no food in the house to feed them dinner lol...but i do nothing for these children lol...
i should of never got on that subject now i am totally in a mood.........
what am i doin
03.29.07 (5:11 am) [edit]well let's see i received the pharmacy job...go me lol...well i am totally excited about this means that i will be home early and i will be able to spend time with the family which was a big issue with me and my children...i do not blame them for feeling that way i mean yes they should feel comfortable with jim being here but its not the same without there mother i mean i was the one that was always home for them when they needed something...i just have a mood problem right now i feel like something is being kept from me and i hate this feeling with the passion...well i have learned if u want to know something just come out and ask...i just hate computer life....and i am not sure if jim is on the same page with me...i sit and wonder...i mean i am not sayin its cool...cause its not if he is doin shit on the computer like chating with chic's thats a totally no no situation....but i feel for him cause i work then when i get home it seems like i have to sit and talk with everyone at the same time and there is not much time for jim and i....i have been so damn tired at 9 each night i want 2 sleep...i know i have to change things around here for us...i just hope its not to late for all that...there is alot of feelings that will be totally hurt if things fall apart...the thing is there just might not be a problem lol...i could just be feelin down cause i work to much and i am not home to see them....i just remember also he asked me out to breakfast and i said no cause i work a long shift today....i am a total bitch...what am i thinkin...
stress
03.23.07 (5:27 am) [edit]stress....boy do i have alot of that lately...alot of it is my own fault actually...did u ever just get tired of doin the same routine each day...like wake up get dress do the normal morning things u do and live that day, day in and day out....so i guess u can say i got sick of it and went a different route...boy did that mess things up alot lol...so i decided to stop takin my meds for my fibro and thyroid just cause i am stubborn and hate meds to begin with...and i discovered that my meds for my fibro was hidding alot of emotions i had builded up....like my grandmother passing it was hard but i am worst now then ever....i think about her all the time and alot of mixed feelings come about when i do....and here at home i can not stand the normal life....my children r well takin care of...i support them in everything they do...i encourage them to step out in this weird world we live in to get use to different ways of life out there...but my children r the clinging time the ones where u have to push them lol...anyways its easter coming up and i decided they could have a playstation 2 but to keep that playstation chores and attitudes and the non stop fighting was going to come 2 a end...well jim's daughter marisa has the teenager attitude you know the one i am never wrong so dont go there.....well that does not fly with me so yeah we did a chore chart and what happens if they do not follow the rules and stuff well lets just say i should of just made them work for the money and let them buy the damn thing cause i feel like i am in hell each day there is something going on about the chore list the playstation and its drivin me nutz....work....well that is another stress issue i have worked in the pharmacy couple of days and everything is lookin good and they want me over there fulltime...well work is being stubborn and takin there good old time sending me there...i love it there its so much more pleasant there...i mean yeah u deal with attitudes from customers but i learn to block that out...usually they r just pissed at there insurance company for not pick up more then they thought or they just do not understand so i am a target 2 get screamed at lol...i am so behind in my studies i really need to get that done also....oh and this is the best news yet my ex just called me yesterday and said he got the divorce papers for me to sign this weekend....but that also sucks major ass cause now i have to find some insurance for myself cause of my fibro and thyroid i need pills each month and blood work..ugh...i can not wait until this weather breaks i am do for a break....
March
03.01.07 (5:29 pm) [edit]March....hmm another wonderful year with my guy....yep feb 19 was another year...cant believe it...i just received my gift tonight i was cleaning up after dinner and he walked into the kitchen and told me 2 close my eyes and so i did and there it was this beautiful ring yep...its my birth stone with diamonds along the side of the stone its really beautiful..so thats number 4 lol...i love him so much....Not sure if i spoke of whats been going on here but his daughter is living with us its been over a month since she moved in and its going pretty well...just along drive each day to take her to school....her b-day is coming up we plan on having a party for her...Jim and I have been busting our ass with her on her school work...while living with her mom she was not doin her homework nor was her mother helping her so she was flunging alot of shit well with our help we hope she will bring those up and can move on to the next grade....well i guess i will go and snuggle up with my hunny and watch something on tv...american idol lol or something..
The days that feel like hell...
01.25.07 (5:11 am) [edit]My mind is running so fast i am not sure how to think anymore...my grandmother passed away on the 6th of this month and already its total fuck up excuse my language but like i said my mind is totally a mess...Even though i had a mother and lived with her most of my time i was always at my grandmothers house spending the summer with her or the weekends...i cherish the moments i had with her and that is something no one can take from me....but like i said she only passed on the 6th of this month and already they r cleaning out her house...Her stuff is getting passed down to me and i am so not ready for all this yet...Yesterday was something i could not handle it was clean out grams closet and go through her clothes...almost ever outfit i have a memory of her doin something 2 make me smile...How do u get pass that how do u just get over something like that...And how do i get pass havin a dream about myself and my mom and aunt cleaning her house out and my gram comin down and tellin me she is alright and that everything will be ok...yep had a dream about my gram's passing a week before she left us...sitting in her room was hard on me and my aunt right now we all r not showin much feelin and i am not sure why....i broke down at my home last weekend when we where moving furniture around i totally lost it and i broke down last night at home and took it out on Marisa Jim's daughter...see she is living with us now and her mother would not let her take clothes with her so she has few clothes and i brought some shirts home for her and my daughter which was very hard for me but i knew they could use them...and i got rudness...look be happy someone is tryin 2 take care of u.....so i left last night and not sure where i thought i was going but i knew i had 2 escape this madness...as i drove i wanted no part of my home or anything else...i wanted to run as far as i could...but i had 2 pull off the road and just sit...when i called home i told Jim this was very hard for me and he told me to stop talkin for he wanted to say something 2 me he said he explain to the children that i was going through alot of shit right and that i did not mean all that i might of said or did and how they should of been more nice about the stuff i brought home....
Look i am not sorry for me being a concer parent and tryin to do the best for the children in this home...
But back to gram's house people r takin stuff that totally does not belong to them and is not returning the items which is so damn ignorant...my aunt donna is tryin 2 take almost everything...there is 5 of them and she is not thinkin about there feelings at all....ugh its so much shit there anymore....its rather sick how everyone gets a times like this....And i hate the fact people r talkin shit about us as if we r nothing....Yes we know its rather early to start cleaning the house but understand u have 3 of us that have not broke yet and the 3 that has not broke r the strong ones to get shit done...And its best for us to keep moving...I am not happy about moving things out or cleaning out the house i never want to stop comin to that house....but the day will come where i can not open that door and enter and have holidays there or just a day to sit and bullshit with gram at her kitchen table....so i have that table to sit at..at my home....God i miss you so much...understand u missed grandpa and i understand u r happy and all the pain u had is gone and u r at peace now...but i will miss the talks about how i should improve my life and how u backed me up on all the decisions i made in my life....U stood by me when it was time to move on and get my life straight when i decided to kick bill out...I will always remember how u would do anything for us....And to u i promise to do for my children as u did for me....I am so sorry i am a mess and i am tryin to get back...
What the New Year as brought me so far.....
01.18.07 (5:07 am) [edit]This Year so far has been a rocky one....gram passing away on the 6th and now this Marisa deal...Jim's daughter moved in our house last night...Her mother plans on getting back with the husband she left down in Ketucky...The one who beat her and treated her kids poorly...Well Marisa said No i am not going back down there i am moving to dad's....Of course there was screaming and yelling and all that happy Jazz...Jim and i will not push her away of course our doors are open to her at anytime....But i am not sure how to go about all this...Jeannie(ex) is the type that will make Marisa's life hell...Make Marisa feel like shit...Jim has talked with a few lawyer's they all said he has a good chance of winning custody because Marisa is the age where she can decide where to go...The only bad thing about all of this is the school she attends is about 1/2hour away...This is going to be something when i work early mornings we have to get 4 children to school on time...Jeannie let Marisa leave her last night but she did not allow her to bring clothes for school or any of her things...See we got the kids(Marisa and Dakota)every other weekend...So Yes we have clothes but not much....So last night i had to go out and shop for the girl i was not going to let her wear rags to school....Pretty sad how this year is coming about....
Then i had a interview and that went very well now i have to take a test and i can start working at home....Still have this schooling to finish up also...That to will let me work at home...I am starting to wear more and more each day....This year has already but alot of stress on me....
I have been talkin with mom each day to keep her going...She would call gram's and talk with her probably 5 times a day and stop in and see her almost everyday maybe skip a day or not...So not havin my grams around is really hard on her....My mom had me come to gram's house the other day to get a few things...Like her kitchen table which is now turned into my dinning room table...This table is rather old like 50yrs or more....And my mom gave it to me....Alot of memories around that table...My Gram would wake and sit at the table and have her coffee and cigs and watch the tv....And now i have a part of her in my dinning room...My family also let me have a picture of my grams getting ready for her wedding day its a beautiful picture so i have all of her pictures around the house...Makes me feel she is close by...
So this year so far is a very busy one...death,moving,new job,new department at my job now...It is rather crazy....Hope for the rest of ya its going pretty well for you...
how do u say goodbye 2 the most amazing person
01.10.07 (5:38 am) [edit]saturday night around 9:30pm my phone rang and it was my mother screaming and i could hear jim sayin slow down i can not understand u......then i heard hunnnnnnn come fast as i rushed i hear its gram....i get on the phone my mother said elaine they r at grams house she is not breathing so i ran out the door not sure if it was true but 2 be honest i really do not know how i got there...as i pull up i see cop cars and ambulances i ran fast as i could into the house as i enter the house i hear my aunt on the phone and she is screaming she is dead.....i drop i could not believe she was gone...i saw her lying on the floor and i did not want 2 believe it i really believe it was a horrible dream...i grabbed a picture of my grandparents they where smiling at each other and dance the most beautiful picture of them and all i could do was hold this picture and not let go...the women raised me she made sure i knew all about life the bad and the good...how does one say goodbye...i am 2 speak at my grandma's wake i have a poem never alone...right now i am locked in this room having a moment 2 myself just lookin at pictures and listening 2 music...today is the wake and it hit me when i woke the few hours i think we all get and realized i will not have any more time with her....i am so tryin 2 gather myself 2 be strong for my children but its so hard...i am so thankful for jim i am so happy he is here for me he wrote a poem about the first time he met my grandmother and the tears just started 2 fall and have not stopped...this women had no enemies everyone that met her had a friend for life..the only thing i can come up with is finish how she was....step into those shoes and try 2 keep my family together cause its a mess....i am so happy for thanksgiving my house was set up for christmas and she was able 2 see all the christmas stuff she loved my house and she was so happy 2 see that....i am happy that is what i saw last was a smile on her face at christmas time....this morning as i am sitting at the table havin coffee with jim and i am tearing up and i can not stop my youngest boy enters the room and i try 2 stop for his feelings and i said i am sorry for this and this noise comes down the stairs but there was nothing there nor was there anybody i am not sure if it was her tellin me 2 wipe my tears...but i can not do that i miss her so much and her sound of her voice sayin i love u...i did not get 2 tell her i love u...i really hope she knows i love her and i will never forget.....
Never Alone
I feel you in the morning
when at first i wake
your thought is with me
with each decision i make
you'd been around forever
since the first breath i took
now i have to go on alone
but for love, I need not look
cause by what you bestowed
in our short time together.
will last in my heart forever and ever
altough you left and now walk above
I'm never alone
I'm wrapped in your love
Enjoy now your long awaited reward
feel peace that your love continues on
what was taught to me,will be taught to mine
cause you live on in me,even ater youv'e gone
I LOVE YOU GRANDMA AND I SURE WILL MISS YOU!!!!!! &nbs p; ; & nbsp; &n bsp; &nb sp; &nbs p; ; & nbsp; &n bsp; &nb sp;
hope the new year is alot more understanding lol
01.01.07 (5:14 pm) [edit]i can not believe i was in bed before midnight...i have never missed the new year coming in...but that would be cause i had 2 wake early in the morning for work...i am in a haze...things just seem not real today...my children came home and told me they went skating last night and was home at 1am...hmmmmm last time i checked my oldest is 10 and they where with bill's girlfriends daughter which is only 12 i am freakin here...i did not want 2 make the kids feel bad for what they did but i am sorry today is so different then it was for us growing up...i am not sure my children could handle the pressure of today's ways...am i wrong???...i explained 2 them that i did not blame them for i think there dad needs 2 rethink things...i know there is a time for us 2 let our children roam abit and become respondable but what if i feel they r not even close for that...i mean i wake each day 2 see them and i know how they act...look my daughter believes anything u tell her...and my boys pretty much do not use there heads...so i should think its cool 2 let them go 2 a skating party until 1am...sorry i could not approve of that...look i let my daughter attend a girl scout overnight thing at the skating rink...its not like i keep my children bottled up...i just use my head and get all the facts...and how do i trust a little girl who's mother is not so trusting...this lady spends very little of her daughters life with her...so i am 2 say yes its ok i believe this 12yr old has a head on her shoulders...nope...sorry can't...then jim tells me something that totally knocked me 2 the floor...he dropped my children off at there dad's yesterday while i was working...see bill has gotten himself a new place...as u would say bill and wendy have gotten them a new home...well jim tells me it is a couple of houses down from a dance club...oh u know the ones where clothing comes off...great..before my children where playin in drain pipes now they have free peek shows of women takin there clothes off...the stress this man still gives me is 2 much..i have not yet said anything 2 him about the location...but i am so not comfortable with where he lives...i do not know i thought when u purchase a home u think of many things like i do not know ummmmmm is the neighborhood a good place for CHILDREN...ummmm can we see ourselves living here forever is it big enough...look my children well my boy's have never had a bed at his houses and now they still dont...how can u stand knowing your children sleep on the floor...i have my 3 and we get jim's 2 every other weekend and we get them on holiday vacation's and summertime and they have there own bed's from the beginning and they have clothes here and toys and all that jazz...i am not made of money shit bill makes 17hr and u r tellin me he can not afford 2 bed's or at least a pull out couch...he makes me ill...i can not believe its 8pm and i am so ready for bed...welp i am going 2 go and snuggle with jim and watch some tv...sorry for all the complaints but when it comes 2 bill there is plenty.
4:10 am
12.30.06 (1:26 am) [edit]Boy i am wondering how i use 2 do this sit up all night...ugh cant sleep can not stand this...figure i would come in here and blog abit being i do not want 2 keep jim awake cause i can not sleep...my body is killing me i can not stand this...then this damn cough that just will not go away...just when i think its gone bang its back...the doc said i could have it for 6weeks...well shit i am tired of it...and i can not stand the fact that it brothers me when i am laying down...blah...well enough about that... Christmas: lets see it was rather weird if u asked me...first christmas with my father since he came back into my life...we had all the kids and we went 2 his place for christmas eve...not sure what was going on but i was just not feeling it...it was suppose 2 be a great night something i have been waiting for...i think it was the gifts that where giving...my kids and myself seem 2 get more or better gifts then jim and his kids...and i am not for that...i know its not about what u get...but when it comes 2 children its a different story...but from there we went 2 my fathers sister house where we where going 2 sit down and have dinner...jim and i brought cookies that we baked for 2 days all kinds...then jim's son came down with something so we had 2 cut our night short...its weird i was ready this year for christmas any other christmas i would rush it by for i just did not want 2 deal with that day without my father...but it felt like something else was missing...Christmas at mom's: so bigger christmas gathering here all my aunts and uncles and cousin's and grandmother and parents...jim's kid where not able 2 attend this one they had 2 go home and spend it with there mother....my children left the party 2 go with there dad...i think that is the hardest 2 watch them leave...but i would never keep bill from them on this holiday i know the feeling of a hated christmas...but i was not all for my mom's party i was ready 2 leave when my children left...so jim and i went 2 his father's place and his 2 sister's where there and there husbands and i actually loved watching them talk about there christmas's together how they would do certain things with each other...maybe that is it...maybe i missed out being the only child there was not many things i can remember about christmas...jim's younger sister got pictures made up for there mother beings this is the first christmas without her and the tears started 2 fall not sure why i took it hard...maybe cause i felt for Jim...or maybe i just need 2 get that out beings i wanted 2 cry all night...so jim's dad brought out a picture back in the 60's and there stood my grandfather the one who had passed this is our third christmas without him....and then it hit me that is what is missing...a smile on my grandmothers face that would lighten up a room as she walked in...ever since he has passed our lives have not been touched with her lovings glo...how i miss that the most.... funny how i sit and i barely cough but soon as i lay my head down bam... well maybe i will catch up later..my mind just keeps going blank...
update
12.06.06 (8:06 am) [edit]Jim and i had a battle about a month ago...2 where i thought it was over...my life totally came 2 a end...but jim and i talked about what had happened and we both agreed that we love each other and something like this would not tear us apart...we have alot in stake here our kids r so close 2 jim and i that i could not let them down again...jim and i do not fight it was a mistake on his part nothing major where i should leave him it was something stupid...and i believe i can look past this...because i love him more then life its self...we had thanksgiving here and it was my family and his family over and we had all the kids it was wonderful...our families get along so perfect...lately i keep getting asked when jim and i r going 2 get married...i still want that but still in no hurry...we live like we r married already...our pups r getting so big....as for my health both doctors want me 2 go on disability sayin i will never get better if i keep all this stress on my body...how does one just stop...i am a mother,girlfriend,i have a home and other things i need 2 take care of...so how does one just up and stop..i am not ready should it not be up 2 me when i say its done...working 2 jobs for a long time put a long of pressure on my body that i did not see at that time...but at that time i need 2 get on track with my life and take care of my children...anyways i am done rambling i have other things 2 do...maybe call and cancel my internet being's i am never on it as much or go back 2 dial up its not much lol...
rain,pups and the ex...what a combo
10.11.06 (7:39 pm) [edit]its almost bedtime and its raining pretty good...the pups seem 2 be ok so far with the storm...hope all goes well...today was a good day...alittle pain but for the most part it was good...went shopping with jim and his dad and sister and his brother in-law..then we had lunch nice day...today bill had gotten the kids after school...i have a schedule i keep the kids on during school....showers at 7 and in bed by 8...by 9 they r sleeping...tonight was all messed up they did not get home until 8...bill just gave me attitude like i have no say in how i have things here...my oldest told me that his dad yelled at him during homework time...my son scott has a learning disablity he is very smart but something goes wrong...its like he just forgets everything...well of course bill would not know how 2 study with him beings he never gets his kids nor does he attend meetings at the school...something i do not keep him from he just choices not 2 be there....then he has the nerve 2 call and ask if we study with him....god this man has no idea what we do here for the kids...i am sorry but my kids get A's and B's i think we do very well for them...as for scott i am so involved in finding ways 2 help him...like jim and scott's teacher...his teacher is wonderful i could not ask for anymore...but its just funny how he can call me and tell me all the wrongs but never says hey u r doin great for our kids...i talked with bill's sister-law tonight cause i was tryin 2 reach them for i wanted them home 2 get settled for the night...she had told me that bill is engaged and they r planning a summer wedding....well this is wonderful news these means i get my wish....finally.....mary which is bill's sister-law can not stand the fact he is getting married and is rather pissed at bill for how he treats his kids...and she told me tonight that i am doing an amazing job with the kids and keep doin what i am doin...god i hope so...i really hope i am doin a good job....tomorrow is open house and the kids asked there dad if he is going of course he can not....says its the school's fault for having it on a thursday....yep always someone else's fault...never bill's fault....oh well of course i am going and jim and my mother...the people who stand behind them always...i always say maybe someday bill will learn...but i waited 11yrs and it never happened...i just hope my kids do not let 11yrs go by and let it happen 2 them.....well i need 2 get rest work in the am...
